uh oh!

eep! well today I woke up really late which Im usually happy about bc den theres less temptation to eat all day! So I had my mango and blueberries for breakfast and my fat free blueberry yoghurt mmm! then I planned the session I had today with my personal trainer client and studied a bit. The I had the session1 2 cups of weight loss tea and then I had my dinner there. 3/4 tin of beans and spinach mushrooms and sweetcorn! mmm no quorn today! I ran out of quorn pieces and dont wanna try any of the quorn products covered in sauces or breadcrumbs so I cudnt eat them! Im only planning on having 2 slices of ww bread and a soup later and maybe another mango hunger depending of course. Havent had time to exercise yet today. cept I did a bit with the trainer client so I was a bit active but waiting to see if my friends up for a walk now! well power it out haha! g2 take my calium for today and my iron supplement still. I think Ive gained weight ugh! well obv bc Im eating more! Im gonna have to go back over this blog to monitor what I was actully eating! anyway I started reading the secret! its really good! I feel like what Im reading is amazing but find it hard to implement what its suggesting! therapy 2mro Im scured! xx

THERAPY!

Guess whos starting therapy on friday! woop woop! I got an appointment and its going to be either low cost or free because Im on social welfare! lets get me sorted! also today I woke up and went shoplifting and got myself the self help book the secret except its one for teenagers but thats fine cz Im 22 and still act like a lost little confused teenager haha! also got my daily dose of mangos! I am eating more and a bit more healthy but calorie intake is still quiete low, but Im eating 2 low fat yoghurts a day actually not low fat fat free and there 50 calories each! omg w8 I dont wna get into calories! fock! but I am taking an iron sachet every day and 3 calcium tablets a day now! I hope I get my period back soon!
Flushed!! the reason your not getting your period is probably because your diet is so unbalanced! bc even when I wasnt underweight I wasnt getting it but that was because I was only eating fruit and veg! so please look after yourself! your gonna get to your goal weight I know it but please make it realistic and healthy because I LOVE YOU 2!
Anyway Ive been eating the exact same foods for the last week and I did an hour and 20 min fit ball workout and 2 power walks! I tried to tell my mom Im going for therapy on friday but I actually just couldnt! I hate upsetting ppl by letting them no Im upset! altho I got in a bit of trouble today bc I bought this rice thats low in calories but I havent been able to bring myself to eat it but its still in the kitchen and its mine! for me! and my little brother fecking ate it all and I was gettin pissed off bout it and then he told my mom that hed eaten it all and then she realised that Id been lying about eating it! fock!
anyway Ill go talk to this therapist on friday and see if wel be able to work together and den tell my mom bc I also have a number for another one! I have to figure out what I want out of life and how I can achieve it safely and healthily!
Hopefully I will benefit from therapy!! woop Im excited! I can come on this and be like well my therapist says teehee!
anyway Ill let you no how I get on! I really really really wna get out of this dinner on friday but I feel so bad bc my uncles over from america and my aunt from england and it will mean alot to my dad if I go yah no?! and he looks after me so well I dont want to be a bitch! but if I go Im bailing this healthy plan not eating 2mro or friday! and sat and sunday I wont be able to work out bc I have my course 9-5 and unless I do an evening walk exercise is out!!!
anyway great recovery teehee!
xx
k I just realised what I typed I feel like a skitzo! must get period back and be healthy!!!

ugh!

so basically I nonly feel like eating is justified if I do at least one workout and a power walk a day! I did not do my power walk today! I feel like Im eating way too much now! I just want my period back so I can be thin but at a weight where I dont risk osteporosis or infertility! Also I would like to stop being such a freak about food! I dont wna be calculating calories in my head all day and at nite tinking about what Ill eat da next day! I dont even wna type da list of what Im eating right now! Theres this family dinner on friday and as soon as I heard about it its like I either make an excuse to get out of it or I starve all week in order to go but still not want to eat any of the food available but clearly now after my moms and uncles comments Im going to be monitored yah no?!
I need to tell my mom I wna tlk to sum1 and get myself sorted! I dont wana get further into this viscious cycle but I feel like thats whats gonna happen bc of the fact that I dont really have much to focus on right now! xxx

harder than I thought!

So much for my big goodbye stage eh! Ive still been reading your blogs but didnt wna post! I actually think Ive been eating less than usual! I no longer want to fill my body and gorge on fruit and veg! Im eating really small quantities! but Im having weight watchers bread 44 calories per slice and spoons of beans bit of quorn and a fat free 50 calorie yoghurt! I really dont want to put on weight at all I just want to be a bit more normal and not feel like a freak when people suggest going for lunch! I havent been able to work out in 3 days! but yday I went for a power walk and today I did an hour of fitball and a power walk aswell and thenI had to set up my clients personal trainer programme so I was doing exercises then too! mmmm....
I dont no if you remember but I went to a summer party and one of my friends was anorexic and looked so so so bad! I wnearly burst into tears! well I went to a party on saturday and she was there and shes in recovery and thank fuck she lukd less like death and she speaks so openly about her disorder I find it easy to confide in her! she told me I do look extremely thin and I told her that means nothing to me! I asked my brother last night did I look sickly thin I was kinda hoping hed say yes so Id be like right cop te fuck on and get your life back on track but he said no but u wudnt want to get any thinner.
But then my uncle who I saw last christmas was over from America and he seriously never comments on people and I said bye to him and he said out loud infront of everyone youd want to put on a bit of weight your looking extremely thin! haha!
Im tryna start going to therapy or something bc there is just too much going on for me to deal with! Im feeling healthier now that Im not stuffing my face with what I considored safe foods but I just want my freakin periods back! my mom said so much stuff that just sacred the shit about me! I still dont considor myself thin enough to have an eating disorder or to be put in that bracket but I did an online questionaire andn it really hit home!
Im still trying to recover a bit but I think Im gonna stay on this bc I need you guys! x

goodbye!

I am writing to say good bye! I am currently in rehab! My family have called me on my behaviour I am being monitored and guess what I want help! I have no periods and no boobs. I am unhappy. I am under 7 stone. Im depressed. I dont see how making my life revolve around my daily calorie intake was going to be helpful but it did seem like it would be at the time and now I have to sort out one hell of a fucked up mind!
Im going to eat like a normal person. not binge and not restrict. Im gonna look and feel healthy. Im going to exude confidence and make myself be fun around! Im going to not stress out my family about having meals out and all that malark! Im still gonna be healthy and workout so dont think Im going off to become a huge heffer or netin! Anyway Ive got to stop blogging and sort myself out! blogging did help to some extent but reading all your blogs made me feel like I was never restricting or dieting enough. My mom spoke to me and reminded me off the pain my nanny was in when she got osteoporosis and all that and about the risks of infertility. I dont want that in my life. Why am I abusing my body?! Its going to be hard but I want to actually be a healthy person and Im going to be!
Please just ask yourselves why are you doing this? I realised looking back at photos that I was never fat and back then I was eating doughnuts and meat!!! I didnt binge or restrict! I didnt overly think about it I just ate what I ate when I wanted and when I was hungry! I want to go back to that! but never c myself eating a doughnut again haha but you never no! what are you looking to accomplish? this is not the way! I hope this makes some one rethink their actions but I think youl have to realise it yourselves and hopefully it wont be too late. I always used to say like a lot of ppl when I reach this weight and when I can fit in this and that......it doesnt mean shit! its about you! how you feel in your own skin! fucking stop counting calories ditch the focking scales live your life! love your life! and love yourself! bc you deserve happiness and you control your happiness and this is not the way to happiness so pls pls pls pls pls get out before your in too deep!
best of luck to everyone! and especially to my dear blogger friend Flushed who always looked out for my happiness!! IPlease still feel free to email me!
xxx

eating in moderation!

Its da key I know it is but can I do it!
eek! wel c! well not the best today got up ate 3 mangos and blueberries!
but then I did an intense 30 min circuit - squats/lunges/dumb bells/skipping/step and more!
followed by 25 min of bikram yoga poses in my house and stretching!
den I had my diet pills with one slice of weight watchers toast, some carrots/peppers/onion and garlic with some reduced fat hummous!
was amazing! and Im not all bloated now or anything!
usually I eat too much veg and have to spend the next 2 hrs deflating!
but now Im all good in the hood! gonna study in a bit and this evening embark on a beginnners running programme! :)
woop woop positivity!
gonna make myself be happy!
also Im entitled to the dole so Ill be getting money money money for doing nutin nutin nutin!
xxxxxx
also Im not gonna eat fruit in the evening anymore.
fruit in the morning
low cal carbs for lunch
and protein and veg for dinner
herbal tea and water in between
:)

hello

well it is 2.30 am in ireland and I am tres drunk haha! danced alot and seriosuly just kissed a zac efron luk alike! the guy I am in love with thinks Im sound and hot but doesnt want a long distance relationship even tho we do not live that far away! excuses excuses! anyway I am very confused about my body weight. I dont wna weigh myself. fb says I shud be 115 lbs for my height and last time I was weighed I was 111 lbs adn that was before I got the life ruining fucking surgery on my foot! ewww!
anyways I have not been eating any carbs adn have been living on mangos, blueberries then a dinner of butternut squash sum kidney beans and mushrooms :)
Ive been doing pretty well but my mom is keeping a close eye since my uncle made those fucking comments! a
amadan
which is idiot in irish haha
anyways I like the way I look right now! yes I feel my thighs are touching a bit but Im doing my walk and my 100 tricep dips and 100 abs and inner thigh exercises a bit of skipping! trying my best to have fun bc I have decided to enjoy my time as much as piossible untill december bc Im gonna just chill the fuck out if possible adn dedicate my time to my pt course and then after xmas maybe go work abroad for a bit and then college in september!!
eep!
no tears 2nite despite my vodka intake. def no carbs for the rest of the week :)
the only carbs I did have today tho was 3 rivita crackers which equals 60 calories so not the worst bc thats the equivalant of a piece of fruit and I easily danced that off! x