uh oh!

eep! well today I woke up really late which Im usually happy about bc den theres less temptation to eat all day! So I had my mango and blueberries for breakfast and my fat free blueberry yoghurt mmm! then I planned the session I had today with my personal trainer client and studied a bit. The I had the session1 2 cups of weight loss tea and then I had my dinner there. 3/4 tin of beans and spinach mushrooms and sweetcorn! mmm no quorn today! I ran out of quorn pieces and dont wanna try any of the quorn products covered in sauces or breadcrumbs so I cudnt eat them! Im only planning on having 2 slices of ww bread and a soup later and maybe another mango hunger depending of course. Havent had time to exercise yet today. cept I did a bit with the trainer client so I was a bit active but waiting to see if my friends up for a walk now! well power it out haha! g2 take my calium for today and my iron supplement still. I think Ive gained weight ugh! well obv bc Im eating more! Im gonna have to go back over this blog to monitor what I was actully eating! anyway I started reading the secret! its really good! I feel like what Im reading is amazing but find it hard to implement what its suggesting! therapy 2mro Im scured! xx

THERAPY!

Guess whos starting therapy on friday! woop woop! I got an appointment and its going to be either low cost or free because Im on social welfare! lets get me sorted! also today I woke up and went shoplifting and got myself the self help book the secret except its one for teenagers but thats fine cz Im 22 and still act like a lost little confused teenager haha! also got my daily dose of mangos! I am eating more and a bit more healthy but calorie intake is still quiete low, but Im eating 2 low fat yoghurts a day actually not low fat fat free and there 50 calories each! omg w8 I dont wna get into calories! fock! but I am taking an iron sachet every day and 3 calcium tablets a day now! I hope I get my period back soon!
Flushed!! the reason your not getting your period is probably because your diet is so unbalanced! bc even when I wasnt underweight I wasnt getting it but that was because I was only eating fruit and veg! so please look after yourself! your gonna get to your goal weight I know it but please make it realistic and healthy because I LOVE YOU 2!
Anyway Ive been eating the exact same foods for the last week and I did an hour and 20 min fit ball workout and 2 power walks! I tried to tell my mom Im going for therapy on friday but I actually just couldnt! I hate upsetting ppl by letting them no Im upset! altho I got in a bit of trouble today bc I bought this rice thats low in calories but I havent been able to bring myself to eat it but its still in the kitchen and its mine! for me! and my little brother fecking ate it all and I was gettin pissed off bout it and then he told my mom that hed eaten it all and then she realised that Id been lying about eating it! fock!
anyway Ill go talk to this therapist on friday and see if wel be able to work together and den tell my mom bc I also have a number for another one! I have to figure out what I want out of life and how I can achieve it safely and healthily!
Hopefully I will benefit from therapy!! woop Im excited! I can come on this and be like well my therapist says teehee!
anyway Ill let you no how I get on! I really really really wna get out of this dinner on friday but I feel so bad bc my uncles over from america and my aunt from england and it will mean alot to my dad if I go yah no?! and he looks after me so well I dont want to be a bitch! but if I go Im bailing this healthy plan not eating 2mro or friday! and sat and sunday I wont be able to work out bc I have my course 9-5 and unless I do an evening walk exercise is out!!!
anyway great recovery teehee!
xx
k I just realised what I typed I feel like a skitzo! must get period back and be healthy!!!

ugh!

so basically I nonly feel like eating is justified if I do at least one workout and a power walk a day! I did not do my power walk today! I feel like Im eating way too much now! I just want my period back so I can be thin but at a weight where I dont risk osteporosis or infertility! Also I would like to stop being such a freak about food! I dont wna be calculating calories in my head all day and at nite tinking about what Ill eat da next day! I dont even wna type da list of what Im eating right now! Theres this family dinner on friday and as soon as I heard about it its like I either make an excuse to get out of it or I starve all week in order to go but still not want to eat any of the food available but clearly now after my moms and uncles comments Im going to be monitored yah no?!
I need to tell my mom I wna tlk to sum1 and get myself sorted! I dont wana get further into this viscious cycle but I feel like thats whats gonna happen bc of the fact that I dont really have much to focus on right now! xxx

harder than I thought!

So much for my big goodbye stage eh! Ive still been reading your blogs but didnt wna post! I actually think Ive been eating less than usual! I no longer want to fill my body and gorge on fruit and veg! Im eating really small quantities! but Im having weight watchers bread 44 calories per slice and spoons of beans bit of quorn and a fat free 50 calorie yoghurt! I really dont want to put on weight at all I just want to be a bit more normal and not feel like a freak when people suggest going for lunch! I havent been able to work out in 3 days! but yday I went for a power walk and today I did an hour of fitball and a power walk aswell and thenI had to set up my clients personal trainer programme so I was doing exercises then too! mmmm....
I dont no if you remember but I went to a summer party and one of my friends was anorexic and looked so so so bad! I wnearly burst into tears! well I went to a party on saturday and she was there and shes in recovery and thank fuck she lukd less like death and she speaks so openly about her disorder I find it easy to confide in her! she told me I do look extremely thin and I told her that means nothing to me! I asked my brother last night did I look sickly thin I was kinda hoping hed say yes so Id be like right cop te fuck on and get your life back on track but he said no but u wudnt want to get any thinner.
But then my uncle who I saw last christmas was over from America and he seriously never comments on people and I said bye to him and he said out loud infront of everyone youd want to put on a bit of weight your looking extremely thin! haha!
Im tryna start going to therapy or something bc there is just too much going on for me to deal with! Im feeling healthier now that Im not stuffing my face with what I considored safe foods but I just want my freakin periods back! my mom said so much stuff that just sacred the shit about me! I still dont considor myself thin enough to have an eating disorder or to be put in that bracket but I did an online questionaire andn it really hit home!
Im still trying to recover a bit but I think Im gonna stay on this bc I need you guys! x