Monday, 2 November 2009

harder than I thought!

So much for my big goodbye stage eh! Ive still been reading your blogs but didnt wna post! I actually think Ive been eating less than usual! I no longer want to fill my body and gorge on fruit and veg! Im eating really small quantities! but Im having weight watchers bread 44 calories per slice and spoons of beans bit of quorn and a fat free 50 calorie yoghurt! I really dont want to put on weight at all I just want to be a bit more normal and not feel like a freak when people suggest going for lunch! I havent been able to work out in 3 days! but yday I went for a power walk and today I did an hour of fitball and a power walk aswell and thenI had to set up my clients personal trainer programme so I was doing exercises then too! mmmm....
I dont no if you remember but I went to a summer party and one of my friends was anorexic and looked so so so bad! I wnearly burst into tears! well I went to a party on saturday and she was there and shes in recovery and thank fuck she lukd less like death and she speaks so openly about her disorder I find it easy to confide in her! she told me I do look extremely thin and I told her that means nothing to me! I asked my brother last night did I look sickly thin I was kinda hoping hed say yes so Id be like right cop te fuck on and get your life back on track but he said no but u wudnt want to get any thinner.
But then my uncle who I saw last christmas was over from America and he seriously never comments on people and I said bye to him and he said out loud infront of everyone youd want to put on a bit of weight your looking extremely thin! haha!
Im tryna start going to therapy or something bc there is just too much going on for me to deal with! Im feeling healthier now that Im not stuffing my face with what I considored safe foods but I just want my freakin periods back! my mom said so much stuff that just sacred the shit about me! I still dont considor myself thin enough to have an eating disorder or to be put in that bracket but I did an online questionaire andn it really hit home!
Im still trying to recover a bit but I think Im gonna stay on this bc I need you guys! x

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