damn it!

haha wow thought I did so well yday! its 2.35 am here in Ireland and Ive to be ready to go to da airport in like 2 hrs and still cant sleep! seriosuly my mind is so freakin over active its ridiculous! I actually just cannot switch off! plus I cant stop thinking about food! grr! Ive ended up coming down stairs and eatin some melon! I am so annoyed haha! I keep thinking about what eating out in prague and berlin is gonna be like! I obv cant overly binge on fruit adn veg even though Ive majorly cut down on my fruit intake :) like Im sure wer gna have to eat out and shit and its freakin me out and then I keep thinkin about if I start goin out with mark! do I have to explain shit to him or just try hide it! see how carried away my mind gets?
so I think for the holiday Im gna eat really small portions! Im gna try not to ever finish a meal. Im gna order salads and im sure I can get fruit at breakfast and hopefully dey will have deiet 7 up bc that fills me up and is lik 6 calories a bottle!
man I totally hate that I cant sleep! do u think its bc I dont eat properly?Ive bn in bed since 11 o clock like! mmm... I dont no! maybe Ill look it up!
its not bc Im hungry well actually I do feel empty I guess!
o shit I tink my moms up

too busy to eat o yeh!

omg I ave the b usiest day ever today! got up ate bc I woke up starving! oats and yoghurt! some seeds bit of protein! then showerd shaved and tanned. straightened my hair. drank weight loss tea. went shop lifting - bags, bras, socks, b vitamins, multi vitamins, probiotics, tea tree wipes, digestive capsules, mangos, fitness magazine. came home had a bowl of ww soup and a glass of alpro soya light milk. then went to blag my way into getting given 9 trial pairs of contact lenses bc mine didnt arrive and Im going to prague 2mro for 9 days so I wont be on! Got my fotos taken for my driver lisence. now back had da mangos 2 small. now im off for a bazilian! gna walk down and back bout 15 mins there and back.maybe going for a walk this evening but the weather is brutal. mmm what else I get today. o litl trainers for interailing bc I cant wear flip flops or flat sandals with my fecking injury! got some berts bees lip balm 2. u ever try that stuff it mazin!!
right mite update laters xx

ok Im back got a brazilian ouch! well thats the most some ones ever seen me naked! wasnt that bad I guess! ate half a melon. going for a walk with my mom now. Id say the pain and scaryness f the brazilian definetly sped up my metabolism haha! I rock! gna have other half melon and herbal tea when I get back!
I hate eating infront of ppl now so I tink the next 9 days mite be more of a diet haha! kulness :)
mmm neting esle.....
nope :)

last nite!

so went out last night, kept myself busy all day so wasnt snacking constantly on fruit fruit fruit! I had my usual breakfast and then I had a veggie stir fry and then I went to a jog later so afterwards I got 2 mangos and I ate another yoghurt b4 I went outbc I was so hungry I thought Id get sick if I didnt! I still think I would have less calories then if Id been eating fruit tbh! anyway mark didnt show last nite knew he wouldnt bc he was working till 1.30 am and the gig was over so why would he I suppose! no surprises there eh haha!
right also walked all da way home from town last nite with my friend an hour and a half walk! so didnt feel too bad bout the extra yoghurt! also we wore these new high waisted skirts and she was lik jesus lexy ur waist is tiny I could put one ma hands around it! haha o yeh! I did luk pretty gud yeh! so this morning Ive had my yoghurt protein and toasted oats! 2 tablespoons and a spoon of seeds! gonna pre occupy myself with lots of tasks today! g2 sort ma cv and mi application form for being a personal trainer! then g2 find a pad lock for interailing. get some certificates photo copied....o no my dad just said my moms gone food shopping! I want fruit so bad! no lexy stop!
xx

k my mom back she bought 1 mango and 2 melons! very small melons! gna have a veggie stir fry sn! wer going for a walk then and 2nite Ill have some baby melon!
my shoulder is so sore 2day!
going to the airport on tuesday! Im gna totally go shopping if you know what I mean! Im gna get fake tan, make up, a perfume and jewlerry from accessorize! also 2mro Im gna go get some shades and shoes and maybe a dress! yeh exciting! also mite be getting a brazilian wax? eh eh? xx

OMG!

ok so do u no da way I always sjust eat fruit and veg constantly apart from my soya yoghurt with protein! well yesterday I had been out da nite b4 o ps totally got with mark was amazing and he was sober so totally knew what was going on ahaha! neways had an ibs attack was brutal didnt eat too much drank da next day had da usual and my friend called down and I was of course snacking on lots of fruit and den she kept offering me some of these rainbow drop sweets and I was lik no tnx and she was lik u no ders probly more sugar in that apple then in these! and then she told me this story about this girl who went to ww and all she did was jog and wat fruit and she wasnt losing weight and dey said it was bc of the amount of sugar in da fruit!!
so now I hate fruit I dont wnt to eat it! so I decided to add some oats to my morning yoghurt to stop me snacking on fruit! but I had like a tablespoon and it didnt make much of a difference! grrr Im so upset y does fruit have to have sugar! grrr! so my new rule! less fruit obviously! soon I will eat 3 healthy meals a day with no snacking! and I cana only eat 3 types of fruit! to stop me snacking on every type! so melon watermelon and mango are my 3 choices 4 now!
xx

so far no fruit yah!
going for a walk/jog in a bit!
my mom is sick and Im not going shopping so none of my selected fruits will be in da gaf 2day! wikka wikka!
packed for berlin and prague and organising a load of stuff but Ill still try to do my abs and abs! xx

picking up the pieces

well Im tryna srt out my life and come to terms with the fact that Im not going back to dance college. A very hard reality! In terms of eating I think this is bad as I was considoring adapting a healthy diet when I was dancing but now I feel that all I have going for me is that people think Im thin. also had a really gud talk with my best friend about eating. When I first met her I was relativevly normal about food but she told me that during the summer b4 we started that she had to train herself to sit down and eat with ppl. We are both fattists and share similiar views on food but shes less strict with her eating. She knows Im weird and respects that which is good.
well anyway today I tried to sort out what to do with the year ahead of me. Im doing my course in personal training and alongside it I wanted to do a course in sports massage but to do that I had to do a course in holistic massage which in total costs liike 4 grand!! but for the same price I can do a full time sports therapy course where I get all these qualifications which are pretty gud on top of my fitness instructor qualification!

• Diploma in Sports Therapies
• Certificate in Sports Taping & Strapping
• ITEC Diploma in Diet and Nutrition
• ITEC Diploma in Sports Massage
• ITEC Diploma in Gym Instruction
• ITEC Diploma in Holistic Massage

So this course is full time for one year 3 days a week and hopefully I will meet some hotties! haha! Plus it will help me get into proper proper college next yr where I can do sports science or nutrition and dietetics! woop I can actually make a living out of being obsessed with diet and exercise!
I wonder what its gonna be like eating with a different group of people!Like before I could always say the well Im a dancer thing! Im gonna miss that status! tear! Anyway the course in right in Dublin city which is kul! can go on dates after haha cinema or shopping or town watever I want!
So I have till Oct 15th b4 it starts and I might be getting laser eye surgery b4 then!
so I dont no what to do with my time b4 then!
Im going to Berlin and Prague nxt tuesday! yah! 9 days of sex is my plan!
Then Ill come back a sexually confident skinny girl!
Going out 2mro night Mark will be there! well hopefully and we better totally score!!
Going out Saturday aswell where he also better be haha!
Dnt no what else to do with my life. As sn as I start college it will be hard to wrk out as much which I am scared about but at the moment I have too much free time and Im too tired to ill it with working out. I think I defo need carbs soon Im practically hungry all the time snack snack snacking on fruit! 2mro Im havin a major veggie stir fry round lunch time b4 heading off to my friends then Ill just snack till I drink!
drank loadsa weight loss tea today
xx

fuck my life

today 30 mins body conditioning
50 min walk
1 hour power walk/jog
I had to ring my old ballet teacher and tell her what was happening with me. I told my mom she wanted to talk to me and my mom said is it bc ur so skinny?!
haha I wish no mom its bc Im fuckin crippled and cant go back to dance college and she wants to c if Im ok!
had veggie soup and fruit today plus my ususal cereal.
I am sad.
y do I have to tlk about wats happenin it makes everything harder.
I wanna live in denial.
I wanted to beliv if I could control my weight I could control everything but I cant.
I am weak. I am a failure.
Bc of the recession der was a ting in the newspaper about accpeting late applicants into colleges so I looked up courses but all dat is available is all maths geek courses and crazy random shit!
there is a music course which is good I could get into bc I play da flute but where would my future be going?
I am signing up for a personal training course and Im bout to look up some pilates courses bc it will help my body recover I guess.
where am I going.
I wna be thin.
I wna a bf to worship me.
I wnt life not to revolve around food.
maybe not a great ting my mom is now vegetarian she wanted to cook veggie burgers!
grr I just wnt fruit and veg!
I keep tryna tink wen I re introduce carbs into the diet but screw dat! g2 be hot for interailing!
xxx

holiday count down!

Right Im off to Prague and Berlin in 8 days! I dont think Ill get away with eating no carbs on hols so have tried to come to terms with the idea of eating maybe some rice and pasta but I will be majorly reducing my fruit and veg intake so hopefully asll will balance out! I will avoid eating rice and pasta where possible and run to the store and binge on fruit to fill me up! Thank god Im going with other students who are on a budget and I can play da o I cnt afford dat game haha! yes!
last night once again no sleep! Id say 4 un solid hours max! so now Im up so early and what to do with a whole day! plus der is like no fruit or veg in my gaf! so Ive had my usual breakfast and my diet pills! then the plan is to go for a walk/jog in the next hour and another one this evening! also plan on doing a bit of toning but ugh the effort!
I love mangos! totally my favourite fruit right now!
I wanna be thin!
really thin!
I want my thighs not to touch and I want this certain boy to want me!
hopefully hel be out sumtimes this week and I can make him my future bf haha!
anyway writin this blog makes me think my life is so boring and lacking ne direction at all! everyday its a struggle with myself not to eat too much fruit or veg! how sad is dat?! Im very confused! mmm......
had to stop da arm toning exercises aswell bc of my injury so I dont like da feel of dem either!
wait Im meant to be in a fairly gud mood! going out wed thur and sat dis wk woop!
and Im gna go get mango melon and mushrooms from da store!!
lts of weight loss tea too!
k dats it!
mission make Mark my bf! aha
now ders sum life direction ha!
x

k did da walk jog and loadsa conditioning! still didnt feel like enuf! but 2mro is a week till hols so gna be strict! Im tinkin no eats after 8! Ill do mi best I do lik snacking on fruit!
In orders words shop lifted lots of healthy food earlier. 2 melons, 2 mangos and a box of strawberries! I rock!
Also my mom came back from her trip away! she finished skinny bitch! she totally gets me now! she said she cudnt read da part about animal slaughter but she wnt drink milk anymore! woop! I didnt even force her to read it I just said she should!
its like she was seriously just like lexy! I understant y ur a food freak! yah! den she cut us up a bowl of strawberries! wer so goin walking 2mro and after for a big healthy shop in lidl! yes watermelon!

xx

Hey!

apolagies for the downer-ness lately! Im am up and down lik a frickin yoyo! ok so I went out to my friends house on sat! was meant to go out early but left after 6 to avoid eating dinner out there then left b4 6 da next day and made up a complete lie about having dinner with my parents! I brought my yoghurt protein mix for breakfast and just ahd fruit for lunch! made a lovely veggie mix for my dinner! I was meant to be starting a 5 day job 2mro but that is now not happening woop more time for working out and self starvation haha! I am going to berlin and prague in a week on tuesday so starvation central till then especially bc I plan on losing my virginity yah no! about feckin time is right haha! also I dont have a great sex drive from da lack of nutrients! btw guys b vitamins or multi vitamins b4 and after alcohol is so totally mazin! I dont have to dirnk as much vodka to get me drunk now since I stop eating earlier teehee! which means less calories and no bloat! win win! dance college is so not happenin its awful! I need a new direction in my life! I can go to college next yr as a mature student eww! haha but my mom thinks I should do sumtin like nutrition and dietetics since Im so obsessed! This yr I think Im gna take loads of fitness workshops bc Im already a fitness instructor so am considoring doing personal training and working out with sum fatty for money haha! lots of travel and work ahead of me for the next yr to stop me becumin completely depressed! my wlaking/jogging is going very well! Ive started timing my walks and jogging intervals so hopefully Ill start noticing a difference!
love to all!
I cant read ur blogs right now but Ill catch up 2mro!
stay thin but dont let it destroy ur mind!
xxx

tired!

very tired not sleepin and just figured out y! ur not meant to take those diet pills after 4 and I take dem at like 7 ha! o well my fault again!
today had a pretty gud day my standards I feel like shit but managed to do 2 walks and jogs!
fruit veg yoghurt
x

blah!

rite the last 2 days were amazin! didnt eat alot or watever! but today I ate alot of soup and nealry 2 melons! I cnt read ur guys blogs right nw bc even tho Im eating my diet and safe foods u guys are doin so well! and its makin me feel like shit. My life is being torn apart! Im so not gna be able to go back to dance college nad that was the only thing I had going for me and that was gna maybe force me to eat sesnibly again which at this point I cant even imagine! I spend the last 2 days with my friend she nos Im a health nut so its kul wen she stays with me bc I just make her a pizza and I eat my own thing but its differnt in her gaf bc her family sit down to eat dinner together and I cant make a seperate meal in her house yah no! Im going to her gaf saturday and sunday! Im tryfna figure out how I can avoid eating dinner both days! when Im with ppl and busy its gud bc I eat feck all but today as soon as she left which was at 5 I ate a massive bowl of 0 points ww soup and den I had lik almost 2 melons! wtf am I like! I hate myself. I did da fotoshoot yday and da pics luk gud! I honestly no myselfl dat I am not fat but I feel dat! I feel my inner thights touching and food in my stomach and it makes me feel sick! I dont look how I feel yah no!! what should I do?! Im only eating fruit and veg and my alpro soya yoghurt and protein mix! yet to the rest of u that seems way too much! Im a failure!
failure at dancing! failure at life! failure at trying to have an eating disorder! idiot for messin up my mind! and idiot for thinking that being thin would make me a better dancer! an idiot for thinkin that if I was think Id be confident and guys would be fallin all over me! I h8 where I have ended up! alone in a room craving fruit and eating it as if its a guilty thing! Im an idiot!
blah blah blah
fat fat fat!
I need to workout!
hate myself
x

my new diet!

haha basically Im still on weight loss tea pro biotics fat metaboliser pills and flax seed. I dont eat to fill myself up anymore which is defo a plus. I even had a tiny stir fry earlier! drinkin vodka is the best diet ever! it makes me not wna eat da next day and wen Im drinkin I stop eating early so I get drunk faster and feel not bloated and heavy! woop!
on the down side! dance college is not looking great for september! my injuries are still with me! but I have a month to go! Ill do my physio exercises later and also I got a fitness ball today! Im too tired to tone but Ive been on one walk already and my friends callin over for another one now woop! laters xx
wheres my comments I need support! my mom asked me was I anorexic da other day?! I so dont look anorexic! I look at old fotos and feel I look da exact same?! mmm......Anyway Im not anorexic and I told her I knew what I was doing and she just said I hope u do! still no kidney beans woop woop! x
k I must be gettin smaller bc last nite at the party fearghal told me all his friends said I was so skinny and tiny! haha yes! I rule!
also omg so annoyin I was in the kitchen adn I take this protein powder thats 25 grams of pure protein per 28 gram portion so pure soya prtein basically and its low fat low carb specifically for vegans so they get da right amt of protein in their diet and my bro was all like how many carbs are in how much fat is in andn I was like stop I dnt wna no bc its important I take this and if u tell me I mite stop takin it and him and my dad just laughed and kept tryna read it and then they gave out to me for gettin annoyd! eh they were provokin me!!!
also today da usual breakfast baby stir fry soup and weight loss tea! x

tear!

no comments on my last 2 posts! Im quiete devastated if I must say so! haha! how are guys anyways? Right so yesterday was amazing! I got up didnt plan on doing much conditioning but I made a class music mix adn just kept working out! I did loads of high intensity stuff too and was sweating and everything! it was brilliant! Then I went for a walk with my mom and got ready to drive down to my friends house! I went there at like 5 and I was so annoyed bc I tried to eat enough b4 I went there so I wouldnt be hungry! but how wrong I was! I was feckin starvin and had to eat loads of her fruit and I was worried I was gna get way too drunk then but I filled myself up on carrots so was actually fine but I did get major drunk and was major hungover today! Im also so annoyed right! This guy lets call him Frankie ha well neway I want to hook up with him and he brought this random french girl to the party! anywho I really wanna score this other guy Mark way way more but hes never out anymore but he showed up to the party at 2.30! at this stage I was absolutly hammered! and was dancing on a counter! I then jumped off the counter into his arms!? wtf yes dats how drunk I was! then I spent the rest of the night talking to him but I wasnt feelin it! He was being rly nice but he was driving so was completely sober and didnt make a move! so pissed off! y does no1 want me dammit! Before he was always scoring me and I was like Im too good for him but I guess not! ugh boys!
anyway today me my friend got up round 1 and I brought my breakfast mix! she doesnt judge how I eat but I found it really hard being with her this wkd! bc her mom came back and was making a roast dinner and wanted out of there quick! but she was meant to be cumin back to mine but in the end she didnt and I made up a bullshit excuse to get out of there asap b4 dinner! it was so obvious like! her mom was like are u not gna eat anything then and gave me this totally concerned look! fock! newhoodle I came home and ate a nice portion of a veggie stir fry!
and I had my flax seed so toilet central hell yeh!
newho rly didnt like feeling that uncomfortable! usually I have ppl stay at mine and I totallt cater for them while I do my own weird shit but its totally different in other ppls houses!
also we were makin new skirts and the mom tried to make them both the same size and then my friends was way too big for her and she was all like ugh just cz Im not perfect like Lexy!
I was like fock!
and also at the party I was soooo sooo cold and this guy was like its bc ur so skinny! and then other ppl were picking me up and being like jesus u weigh nutin?! I dont get it!
anyway Im out again tonight so gna shower and maybe try do my abs and ass but my physio exercises are more important! major workout planned for 2mro bc got this foto shoot on wednesday! xxx

struggle of a nobody!

Haha do you like my title! isnt is very optimistic?! I decided that would be the title of my autobiography if I ever had one! Today was a good day! yeh! I got up and had a shower washed my hair epilated my legs and tanned! then I went down stairs had my o so delicious cereal dat I live for and some watermelon! then I went on the computor and did my physio exercises for 40 mins and then I decided to do some body consditioning while watchin The sectre life of the american teenager! haha I no chessiest show ever but hey I love dat shit! newho I ended up doing conditioning for over an hour adn then had to totally race to physio! Then this part is pretty embarressing! I was like omg there is somthing wrong with my car! which is just new so my mom went down to the garage rly annoyed and they tld her I had been driving with the hand brake on! fuck! haha omg so embarressing!
anyway then after physio I came back had some mango and then went to my friends and we booked our train tickets from prague to berlin! yah! holiday sex ha! nway then I went for a walk slash mini jog with my mom! then I did my physio exercises and a mini leg conditioning series!
now Im wrapped up in bed very early bc everyone is watchin da golf!
o I had 2 bowls of weight watchers soup it is so amazin! no stir fries for me 2day haha!
neway this guy I no is a fotographer and he wants pics of me and my friend in our ballet gear in a studio so wer doing that on wednesday and I was talking to her and she was like right must get skinny by wednesday so now wer both gonna do a water diet or sumtin! Im thinking I will die so I might just do a soup diet and on wednesday absolutly no fruit bc it will bloat me!
I seriously love that soup!
my mom keeps saying all this shit now like what are you having for dinner?
will u use up this?
remember you used to like subway?
how come you dont eat those yoghurts anymore?
anyway 2mro night Im going to a party! gna get with this boy eoin if hes there! we always huk up wen wer together but hes a bit of a bailer lately so not relying on him like!
fock my mom cumin in here! dats all I gots to say right now anyway!
stay thin u amazing ppl! xx

i i i!

K so I dont no if Im doing good or bad anymore! Im majorly lacking alot of energy! Im finding it very hard t get back into my conditioning regime since my friend has left! but anyway today I got up and had my delicious breakfast! seriosuly favourite meal of the day! today I had a blueberry soya yoghurt with my seeds and protein! then I didnt eat again for ages! act lie I had some pineapple! then I had like 4 cups of weight less tea!! all the while doing my physio exercises! I then had some major improvent in my foot ss I was way excited about that altogether!!
Then I had some melon and went for a power walk slash jog with my mom! after we went to the shopping centre and we walked around for ages and I was dying! I was sooooo hungry and weak! and she knew it! she said what are u makin for ur dinner! theres mushrooms to use up and blah blah blah! I had to run back and grab a pearb4 I died haha! I got home demolished some weight watchers soup and den was forced into making a stir fry! my mom kept askin did I not use the kidney beans anymore haha!! eep! anyway I made da veggie stir fry and then added some tomato soup it tasted like a curry it was delicious! then had watermelon some soya milk and flaxseed!
Im still on the pro biotics and diet pills!
I wanna be thin!
this guy might I met is a photographer and hes gna take pics of me and my friend in our ballet tutus and these dresses we designed ourselves! so 2mro Im majorly reducing my food intake and hopefully upping my exercise! Ill see what I can do! sat and sunday Ill starve! :) g2g bros here epp gud luck to u all! xx

decisions decisions....

So today! I didnt do too badly! got up went for a walk with my mom! I jogged a gud bit and then I decided to walk to my friends house after! that weas another gud bit away adn then she had to drop sumtin off at her friends so we walked even more and then she had been in the house all day so wanted to take a long route back! luv it haha! I did all this on a yoghurt protein and flaxseed. didnt eat again till 5 had a bowl of ww 0 points soup oh yeh then melon kiwi and mango! Im havin a wee bowl of soup while Im typin its just so gud man I cant explain! I figured out that keeping busy makes me not hungry and being with ppl makes me not wnt to eat infront of them! so I just need to do do do and never stop haha! this flaxseed is still working total miracles with the IBS!
my decisions title refers to my life, I have alot of decisions cumin up about college and what not! where is my life going blah blah blah! watever I think Ill save dat discussion for another day ha!
anyway going out saturday night and sunday night so wont be eating alot those days! gna have fruit and soup 2mro and friday! luv it! not even having kidney beans atm cant member the last time I had them! isnt it so weird da way I go from wnting a whole tin to 2 tins one day and now Im like whatever! I am missing my alpro soya light milk tho! tear haha! anyway I stopped doing all my conditioning! and my shoulder and neck feels better for it! gna do lots of walking 2mor and get back on abs and ass!
actually I did a good bit of conditioning on my legs 2day!
hope ur all doing fab! I dont think this sex thing is gona happen I mite ring this guy 2mro! anyway its totally gna happen wen I head to berlin! Im gona turn in2 a total slut! xx

hey hey!

Hey guys!
Im back! my friend was over for 4 days! In which I thought I would end up having to eat more but I ate less! I didnt snack n fruit as much so I pretty much had 3 meals a day! breakfast I obv stuck to my totally amazing soya yoghurt and protein and flaxseed mix! mm delicious! den Id have fruit and my veggie stir fry or da weight watchers soup! I didnt get to work out but we were honestly so busy we were on da go 24/7! on saturday we act went for a walk in da park wasnt a total power walk but still then we had my totally amazing party on sat nite! slept for 2 hrs then got up and went to dublin zoo for the day! drove home had some ww soup and then we went out again dat nite! alot of vodka was drank haha act not that much! bc I didnt eat as much got drunk so quick like! den on monday we got up and did major sight seeing so walked all over dublin! last nite we had 2 hours sleep den had to get up and go to the aiport! today I did a power walk with my mom but that was all I could manage I cant describe how tired I am! today I ate my breakfast apple nectorine a melon and a half! and 2 bowls of ww soup! dats not bad for me! I need to work out more! I didnt do my physio and Im so pissed off bc my body is in so much pain now and my physio is gn abe a total dick to me now and be like well its ur fault ur in pain now! ugh h8 him! just realised dnt tink Ive got my period in 2 months now! o well! I decided last nite if I do and fingers crossed I do get to go back to dance college I am full on eating properly! rice potatoes whatever Ill do it! Im luvin feelin thin and empty! I luv ppl tinkin dat Im pretty! I luv even tho Im not where I wna be that if I wear shorts I get stares! being thin is so powerful! omg today my mom told me shes gna be a vegetarian! a pesco vegetarian but still yeh! cept now she wants to research and then shel totally cop how defiecient my diet is haha! o fuck what ave I done to myself! I luvd being round ppl I found I ate less! when Im at home by myself I let the food take over! but when Im busy and totally on the go I dont feel the need for that much food! altho Im absolutly dying after the wkd! my bodys havin a hard time now! Im sorry body! y! Im so worried about college! I cant say this to ne1 else but my head is full of doubts! my body is not able to go back! and not cz of the eating thing bc of my injuries! my foot hasnt made much progress nad it seems like my neck is getting worse and worse each day! y! y! y! I was so happy at the wkd my mind was kept occupied by activities friends and alcohol and now its back to just me my mind and my crazy emotional mood swings!
wat do I achieve if I wake up and eatt 3 low fat meals a day?!
I want to dance! Id be fat if I could! Id do netin!
plus my mom makes comments all da time dat really piss me off! even tho I tink this stuff she says it allowed and infront of me when she nos Im so weight concious! stuff like o god did u see da size of her. and is she da chubby girl. what happened to her she used to have a lovely figure. did so and so lose any of da weight? lik wtf shut up! o well! thin is powerful! pretty ppl get ahead its just da way! Im not fugly but I wna feel it! not fugly pretty I mean haha!
rite gna go to bed so tired u cant even imagine! ps my mom is like u cant survive on just fruit and vegetables! and do u not eat that nemore? have u tried this? will I make u sum this?! grrr
she was meant to be goin away fr 3 days but now shes not! great but Im goin to my friends all day sat and sunday! no eating woop woop! thin flat stomach central! x

no appetite!

mm whats going on! got up went to the toilet again! seriously thats nearly everyday this week and its all thanks to flaxseed!!!!!! yah!!! anyway I feel so much better! did my body conditioning then went for a wlak with my mom! Im about to go for another one with my friend! I ate a bowl of soup and a mango but threw out alot of it bc it was too messy and then had a good bit of melon! I dont even want veg right now! mm but maybe I do! My moms pushing me to use up sum veg so might have a litl veg stir fry after ma walk but dont think I will. think Ill have another bowl of soup and watermelon! my roomate from england is cumin over 2nite so wont be conditioning or working out much for the next 3 days but I will def be eating alot less! woop woop! anywho I added major weights on my legs when doing my conditioning!! I read this article with kate hudsons fitness instructor and it said if u work out with heavier weights u have to do fewer repetitions! also he said when running u shud do 1 min 80% mhr den 1 min 50% mhr and den alternate for 20 mins! I cant do that bc of my injury but still thought Id pass it onto u guys! bc that means more intense but less workout time woop woop!
I bought more alpro soya light milk today I really like it! I cant bliv I haven had kidney beans in 3 or 4 days now! just over them right now tbh! hah brill! xx

2 walks! no more soup!just watermelon which has me majr bloated right now but I no that will totally go away! yeh! Ive done well today gna drink sum alpro soya light with flax seed and then peppermint tea! x

I wnt a change!

ugh I want a change! I wna be able to do sumtin else with my body other then walk and condition! I hate getting into an exercise rut but I am very limited with what I can do right now with my injuries! mmmm! so what can I do! probly nothing else! I am getting extremely worried about wheter or not I will be able to start back dance college in september! I am doing everything I can! seeing specialist and physio and doing my exercises for at least an hour a day! its a hard life eh?! I had this nightmare last night that the physio was like right I dont no why your not responding to treatment! I want you to right out a list of what you eat everyday! and I was like o fuck! I no what Im doing isnt right and I no I keep planning to reintroduce proper carbs but I seriously cant right now! I feel like my inner thighs keep comiong closer and closer together it freaks me out! plus I keep doing conditioning with baby wights for my arms but I think it could be aggravtaing my shoulder injury but if I stop doing them my arms will get fat! Im in a vicious cycle! but anyway my fav roomate from england is coming over 2mor night and will be here till tuesday morning so Im not gona condition sat sun or mon! so Ill monitor how my shoulder feels those days and see if the problem lies with da weights!
mm what else now?! ahh nothing really my skin is shite! Im gonna drink a shit load of water 2day! Im off to have sum watermelon! xx
ok today yoghurt protein seeds fruit and soup! no kidney beans again yeh!
this flaxseed is my new best friend! I have gone to the toilet everyday since Ive taken it! I only did one walk today but Im gonna body condition now for a litl over an hour!
guys I need major sex advice! pls!!!!!!
I cant blliv Im still a virgin but I am! I wanna just give it up now! after my journey to perfection Im stopping short and letting sum1 have me in my imperfect state! I shaved off everything down there! bc I just think vag j j's luk disgusting! I no this is not on ed tlk! maybe I should join sum sex blogs or sumtin! do u tink I cud just have rly bad sex with sum1 and blame being drunk or chemistry! I dont wnt ne1 noin Im a virgin! hw embarrassin!!!
eep!
rite Im gonna go do my conditioning now!
score! haha

another day in da life!

Right so yday was gud! but I ate a lot alot alot of fruit! still did my walk and body conditining then 2day I did 2 walks and body conditioning and I ate fruit but I only ate fruit and soup no veg! plus a dirnk of alpro soya light milk with flaxseeds and then an alpro soya yoghurt with protein! and then no kidney beans woop woop! I am amazing haha! plus I passed my driving test today! yah! omg text dat guy he didnt txt back dick think I already said that but whatever! omg I wanna be so thin for saturday night! must be tiny tiny!
sorry my blogs are so boring lately bc Im doing nutin differently at all at all! g2g moms here! eep x

Man dat soup is good!

haha that butternut squash soup is amazing! I luvs it! my moms making more 2mro! plus I got this linwoods flaxseeds and Im adding a spoon to my yoghurt and protein which is actually my favourite meal of the day even though Im eating the peach flavours at the moment which arent that nice! And da flaxseed is making me go to the toilet I luvs it! haha!
anyway bc it was a bank holiday 2day der were no fresh fruit in stores but thank god we had a melon and apples in the house so I ate them! I went for a brilliant walk in the sun! I only did one jogging interval 2day bc it was so hot! den I walked up to my friends house and we walked up to my others friends house and then after I walked the long way home! Im sorry guys but I just cant get up the courage to go to that bikram yoga class on my own! its too hard! plus I said if I started Id eat slid carbs again but I could not do that either! I did an hour and 20 mins of body conditioning woop woop! think my ass is toning up now! Ive added ankle weights so its more strenuous like! mm what else! omg so annyed I text the hottie today saying hey how was your wkd?! and nothing hello!? he rang me and told me to txt him! ugh boys boys boys! hes defo a potential sex buddy bc he has no link or connection to my life at all haha! so he better text back! grrrr. I h8 all this txtin shite. anyhoodle. 2mro my friend and I mite be going swimming! oh dear jesus! a swimsuit! ahhhhhhhh!!! gud thing every1 but me thinks Im skinny! but no they will see what Im really like from the waist down haha! o fuck! I have physio 2mro too and my last pretest b4 my driving test! eek! fuck! haha!
mmm what else oh yeh last nite I told my mom about my friend being anorexic bc she asked how they all were and I wasnt gna say netin but shes gna see ehr at my party on sat so I decided too and then I just burst into tears. and my mom was like whats wrong r u anorexic!?? wtf! I am so not thin enuf to classify as sum1 with an ed! and I said no I just got such a fright wen I saw her bc I rly did I cant even describe and she said well now u no what its like to get a fright and then she asked me to eat sum bran flakes which I didnt! I was gna eat sum oats but I just cudnt oh god! I was gna re read skinny bitch but my moms reading it now! hopefully shel begin to understand my ways sum more then. well thats all stay thin but happy and healthy haha if only that was possible?! x

updates!

Right heres da deal. I had a very gud wkd! haha I went out to a gaf prty on friday and out out on saturday so I didnt eat very much those days. I had da usual fruit yoghurt and kidney bean salad. Im back down to half a tin of kidney beans again which is good bc the yoghurt is the same amount of calories as the other half so it balances out. My friend and I are pretty broke so we decided to bring our trainers and walk home from da gaf party! It was a 50 min walk at 5 o clock in da morning! haha! but anyway something awful happened at the party! I hadnt seen these girls in ages we used to be in ballet together before I moved away for dance college. One of my friends I used to always be so jealous of her. Perfect little ballet body! I used to luk at her in envy! She looked so delicate and it added such grace to her dancing! Everything she did was just like wow! She used to say she was just naturally like that and that she really loved chocolate and all dat jazz and of course I believed her and told her all about how I wasnt thin enough yaddy yaddy yaddy! anyway I walked into the party and say Ashley sitting on a bean bag drinking a herbal tea skeletal! I got such a fright! I think she could c it in my face! I wanted to cry! she was so little. I wanted to shake her and say dont do this pls dont do this. I felt like she could drop dead at any stage! We sat down and talked and I said I didnt wna tlk about my yr bc its been ne of the hardest of my life and that I didnt wna make up shit and pretend it was all dandy like! so she told me that her yr was really hard to and she got sick and cudnt go to college. and she cant go until she puts on weight. I was glad she was open about it and I was drunk so I was just like I no its hard but just do it! I no its way easier said then done bc u say it but then as soon as da weight goes on its such a shock! put we talked abut how messed u p food can make ur mind! and if it wasnt a party we could of tlked about it all night! Then my friend Stacey and I who have become great friends. wer da ones that walked home haha she became a vegetarian after visiting me for a wkd! and her family hate me for it but omg! She told me all bout how shes become obsessed with counting calories! I didnt tell her how messed up I am but she nos some of it! and I think she nos. I think shes thinner than me like but shes always like ur clothes wont fit me their too small but I dont c it! it really scared me bc I think my perception of my body is totally messed up now! My other friend who I went out with last night was like wow lexy u luk mazing in ur dress u are so thin! I dnt c it or feel it but wen I do luk at pics Im like wow are my legs rly like that and stuff! and yday I did a massive toilet trip if u get me! I felt amazing totally amazing! then I pushed it and decided Id have a laxee tea aswell but it made me bloat like crazy! I cried and went to show my mom bc I wanted her to c wat Im tlkin bout wen I say Im bloated nadn of course she was like I dont c anything! if u think u luk bloated u have messed up body image blah blah blah! anyway today of course I wasnt going out so I ate too much fruit just there! but I stopped eating at 8.15 which is good for me! Im gna get it to 8 2mro bc Im having a massive party nxt wkd and I wna luk skeletal! anyway right my moms friend and daughter went on a detox for 5 days and they made this o points weight watchers soup! it is amazing! its da first time Ive tried sumtin different in ages!!!!!!!! it was butternut squash and pumpkin with curry powder! u no kick start da metabolism! I tink Im gna try mix up my diet a bit and add different spices keep da body having different food so my digestion doesnt get sluggish! I also walked home fromo my friends house da next day after the gaf party another 50 mins Id say andn did well over an hour of body conditioning and been doing walks and conditioning religiously every day since. Im contemplating starting yoga 2mr but I rly dont wna go alone yah no! but I wna do it! screw it Ill go haha! I have my driving test on wednesday and a pre test and physio on tuesday but Ill c wat I can do! thin thin thin! for my party for interailing! omg I did say if I do yoga Id eat carbs! so Ill eaither ave brown rice with veg at lunch or sum oats with my yoghurt! mmm g2 love those alpro soya yoghurts! cant bliv I used to eat da muller lights now! even tho they were amazing! I think the injury is healing well just need my neck and shoulder to be sorted and then I can go back to dance college at the end of september! I really hope I can go back bc without dancing I will just be a girl who will end up with ed! bc Il have nutin else to focus on yah no?!!! wow this is turning into a massive post! right so plan for 2mro! walk! possibly yoga! mmm wel c! Im doing so many inner thigh exercises and arms exercises and I can feel them working! damn wna hot body! also think Ive found a sex buddy! Im meeting up with this guy Lucas during the week! I met him at a club b4 we didnt even kiss. Hes from prague and has a deadly accent and lux hot! mmm so wel c! he said do u wna go for coffee?! coffee eh no! vodka yes please haha so wel c!
anywho dats da scandal! Ill keep u updated bout my friend ashley bc I must talk to her! its gud to be able to tlk I think! she wont judge me! I think the focus should be on being healthy tho!
Im reading loads of womans fitness mags I prefer to focus on them then celebrity magazine right now! xx
if anyone wants me to post the recipe for the soup let me no! o points eh eh?! x