Wednesday, 30 September 2009

wna die!

had a job interview so had to get up a 10 which is early for me! didnt sleep till round 4! was ridick! my morning no2 routine was ruined I tell u. I havent gone to the toilet properly so I will be takin laxatives 2nite bc if I dont go proper I no it will build up in2 an attack! grrr!
didnt eat very well today. 1 slice of toast, 1/2 a banana, cinamon. mangos, celery, vegetables, sum bolgenese light sauce a few kidney beans. h8 mi life. bloating central. suicidal. wna die. tried to go walking it was such a struggle. felt like the longest walk ever ever ever!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009


2 slices of toast, tomato, reduced fata hummous, kidney beans, mushrooms, brocolli, 2 mangos, 1 apple. job interview 2mro frankly couldnt give a flying fuck! 1 walk, no yoga.

Monday, 28 September 2009


UGH MY MIND IS SO FUCKIN ANNOYING! Ive given it wat it wants! I went to yoga! felt starving after ate some fruit, still hungry ate toast, still hungry yoghurt! ugh! shut up!!!
I give up! I want to die


ugh brutal brutal nite last nite! was basically up all nite! must of fell in and out of sleep afterwards but heard my dad getting up for work round 6 then my brother at 7 and then my mom and other brother round 8! was awful! got up was going to have muesili with milk but then I just had a few tablespoons of muesili by itself then had my yoghurt flaxseed and toast banana and cinamon and half a fokin melon! that seems like so much Im ashamed to be typing this! grrr anyway it was all very healthy and with skinny bitch rules! den I walked to tesco got mango and strawberries so had a bowl of that there was lovely! going to yoga at 6.30 so g2 eat my dinner at 4! wat to have....wholgrain rice with kindey beans? or I duno! I cant do this its so hard! every nite wen Im lying there hungry adn tinkin tinkin bout food I say Ill eat healthily and it will be fine but I cant its so hard! I bought laughing cow light cheese spread but I dont no if I can have it! but I could eat that with sum cracker bread and tomato instead of a whole meal yah no?
pls sum1 help me Im goin demented! Im gona go skipping for a few mins and do squats and lunges! get a little circuit going in my gaf!

Sunday, 27 September 2009

day of 3 no2!

haha yes u read correctly!
what the fok! I have gone to the toilet everyday for a week! I awesome haha!
so happy! last nite was fun! we danced alot! alot of calories burned haha! only exercise I did today was a 40 min power walk that included to intervals of running up at least 30 steps! was fun! got up took my diet pills and all ate 3 tablespoons f muesili, my yoghurt, flaxseed. Had my banana toast and cinamon :) then I had my dinner which was butternut squash mushrooms and brocollie. Then I had mango and melon.
gna walk and do yoga 2mro! x
omg ew! its 3.40 am! I cannot sleep! I have been ignoring hunger pains for 2 hrs now and have gotton up and eaten sum sugar snaps and Im havin some hot soya milk! light of course! wtf I better be able to fall asleep now!
ugh I need to start eating properly. Im feeling brutal all da time! its not what I signed up for when I wanted to be this thin! x

Saturday, 26 September 2009

day 6 no 2

man I love typing no2 after all my posts teehee! hell yeh!
ok so Im not entirely impressed with todays start but Ill try stay positive and make things go my way teehee. So I set my alarm for 10 o clock so I could go to yoga at 11! thank god I had a good sleep last nite. anyway woke up and was rli tired but I gt up gt dressed contacts in make up but felt like shit. and was definelty in need of a shit! I knew it wasnt a good idea going to yoga bc I was in pain and dun dun dun felt like shit. and Im trying not to force my body to do things it doesnt want to do. Im trying to listen to it. So I had to bail on yoga :(. I got up and went downstairs and got my banana and toast and cinamon mmmm and peppermint tea and went back up to my bed and watched some kourtney and kloe take miami and 30 mins later shit done and I feel gr8! seriously this is day 6 of this little ritual and it works a charm so I cant be getting up early and rushing off ( yes 10 is early for me right now haha).
so now Im gonna go for a walk with my mom is a bit and possibly go to 4 o clock yoga bc I no Ill prolly miss yoga 2mro! I have gone for 7 days straight.
anyway Im not eating dat ww soup anymore its too hard on my system. Im liking da toast and I mite look into low fat hummous or sumtin.
carbs help me! there not so hard on my system dammit!
I want mango!
still is bed watchin greys anatomy! o the gud life haha!
just read an article in cosmo about uni-rexia! bout ppl turnin ana wen they go to uni! weird eh!
I dont wna put on weight. I want ppl to go omg wen did u get so thin! jesus uv lost loadsa weight! and sum1 whos not my mom!
k went walking with my mom. I didnt feel great tbh! I was struggling and all I could think about was how hungry I was! afterwards we went to lidl where I ran in and had to demolish an apple. When I got home I was going to make butternut squash soup instead I just cooked them and sprinkled them with soya sauce adn ate like chips! dey were amazing! then my mom insisted on a slice of toast! 42 cals ate it dry! now Im off to burn it all off in yoga!!
she is preparing rice for me wen I get back dammit! I will not be eating it! when I come back I will be having a yoghurt and some pineapple and mango and done for the evening!
den partying it up woop woop!
went to yoga! shudnt of gone. 2 much food in my system b4 a class not a good idea at all. anyway! its time to cop the fuck on bc I feel like shit so I got a soya yoghurt and added 3 teaspoons of muesili! I didnt eat any yday so da 3 tablespoons I ate da other nite shud be balanced out by now! Im gonna have some flaxseed now and hopefully Ill no2!
Im not going to yoga 2mro! Im taking a fokin break. I was supposed to listening to my body but Im ignoring it all over again! and being in a 90 min class and wanting to leave b4 it even started was not an enjoyable experience! x

Friday, 25 September 2009

still day 5

k its still day 5. dinner was a joke! I feel like shit I look like shit! my mom said Im just hair and a head on top of a tiny body! I look like a mess. shes askin me do I wna get highlights! anything to make me look less shit right now haha! as good as the yoga is for me I cant tan or wear lotsa make up bc I just sweat it all off so I no Im lookin a mess right now but only for another few weeks till my yoga offer expires and then I cant afford it anymore! then Im gonna join the badminton club tuesdays and thursday and take up a weekly yoga class me thinks! anyway right back to me I look like shit I feel like shit. yes I did a shit. hahaha. but I feel weak and not right tbh!
anyway at dinner my mom was like I wnt to see u eating a carb so I had too. well prepare one anyway. she wanted me to have brown wholegrain rice which is kul with the skinny bitch rules right but its 255 calories a serving! wtf! so em no thank you. so I decided it wouldnt be the worst thing in the world to have a baked potato. didnt eat it! added light bolegnase sauce to my veggie kidney bean stir fry and wrapped the potato in kitchen role and disposed of it later. My mom was like Im really getting worried about u so I had to pretend to eat a carb.
neway Im goin out on the sesh 2mro nite. there are no soya yoghurts left whihc is good bc I was looking for sumtin to eat earlier and considored havin one! so Ill pick up more 2mro after yoga which Im gonna wake up early for bc after 2mro nite I dont think Ill be able to go on sunday!
I dont no where my life is goin xx

day 5....

ok so its day 5! I didnt sleep well again last nite and no no2 as of yet. Im only up like 20 mins tho. I kept feeling so hungry last night so ended up coming downa dn eating 3 tablespoons of muesili! I swear to god I give myself an inch and I have to take a mile dont I! well now Im banned from muesili till monday! thats how dis is gonna have to work teehee. Ive just had the toast banana and cinoman for breakfast adn my yoghurt sans muesili and Im off to burn it all of with 90 mins of yoga! for the rest of the day I will have fruit and veg. 2mro. I did a bit of research and you no those ryvita crackers? well there like 20 cals a slice and Im having two slices of toast dat equal 84 calories so I could actually have 4 ryvita and save four calories eh eh?! so I think I might branch out a bit but wel c. I do like the toast as of now. After yoga Im gonna pick up mango and melon and my mom has made a big pot of ww soup. pray for a no2!
laters xxx
back from yoga. great class. had 2 amazingly perfectly ripe mangos! I think Im shoplifting to much stuff from the same store. Ive been going to the same store for fresh fruit everyday this week and getting loadsa magazines aswell teehee!
still no no2 so Im drinking lots of water!
also Im taking a new supplement. cant think of the name intestine aid or sumtin. anyway day 1 of it today. Ill keep u posted x

Thursday, 24 September 2009

day 4 no2!

omg what a great week Im having haha! slept very badly last night tho! lotsof nitemares so I feel all ibs stomach crampy. Im identifying the patterns by keeping this blog. so lack of sleep! not good for ibs haha! but at least I number 2! woop woop! ditched the cornflakes today! woop I dont need it. Im gonna stcik with the organic muesili and alpro soya yoghurt adn flaxseed.
got nice mangos adn a nectarine for lunch.
went power walk on my own.
my mom wants to go for one aswell but I wna go yoga and dont no bout doing another 2 workouts. she told me shes on my case now about eating and that she wants to see me eat my toast and banana. which I will do before yoga!
having a fight with one ma friends! ughhhhhhh! ppl can fok off and stop stressin me out! its not good for the ibs! I go with da flow now. no pressure!
update later x
toast banana and cinamon, bowl of ww o points soup, 90 min yoga, veg stir fry with baked beans! weight loss tea, green tea diet supplements! x

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

day 3 of no2!

another day another no2 hell yeh frickin yeh! went out last nite and danced da nite away so burned a gud few cals Id say! wasnt a great nite tho! only went bc I got a free ticket to this social and bc I wanted to score a hottie which I didnt and nrly scored this guy I know whos fat but theres just sumtin about him and Im glad nutin hpnd bc it wuda bn so embarressing!
neway wasnt a great nite woke up drank so much water weight loss tea. had my museili handful of cornflakes and alpro soya yoghurt. Then I had a kidney stir fry-so gud! cooked in light soya sauce! anyway Im on the green tea diet supplement at the moment!
going for a walk in a bit which will be 40-45 minutes! gna go get my mangos then and then go to yoga at either 4.30 or 6.30!! Its gonna be hard bc Il have alcohol in da system!
duno if Ill have toast today but dont wna have dat peanut butter again it has to be reduced fat or sugar or salt or sumtin! the holland and barrett one is gross tho! mmm...wat to do!
just another day in da life of da exact same routine haha!
my friends annoyin me today! Im not havin ppl puttin pressure on me! dats all Im saying! fok dem Im doing my own thing!x
power walk and yoga.
no toast!
never gna eat peanut butter again! wtf I tried to buy organic ones! there is no such thing as low fat peanut butter! my mom suggested I try toast with banana and cinamon which I mite try! bc I dnt mind da toast bc its 84 cals for 2 slices! and cinamon speeds up ur matbolism! I 4got to take flaxseed today so took sum there and Im done for the day!
hope all u lovelys are doing well.
my mom said pls have some toast your looking so skeletal!
luv it!
I wna bf!
or a friend with benefits..........sum1 shud be worshipping this body yah no!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009


day 2 with a no2! woop woop! sry but untill u have been extremely constipated u will not understand how amazing it is to go no2 woop woop!
so I got up and had da most relaxing morning! I woke up and set up gossip girl season 3 ep 2 to watch on my lap top! I went downstairs ook my fat metaboliser pill and probiotic pill and had 3 tablespoons of muesili with 1 handful of cornflakes and an alpro soya yoghurt with some flaxseed and a herbel weight loss tea! bliss. then I got up around 1 had half an apple and a power walk with my friend in the park! was lovely! then went to the shops to shoplift my mangos! and there were none of the readily ripe mangos so I just had to buy regular ones which were crap andn so unripe so I just through it out was devastated! Im so set in my ways with my manogs! haha I had a feeling they would be crap so I bought a small honey dew melon which I have just eaten! Im gonna go to yoga at 6.15 or 8 I tink I wna go at 6.15 just worried about parking! but man Im getting addicted to bikram! google it!
I feel like Im getting fatter tho! damn me trying to incorporate carbs healthily into my diet. but the thing is now is the right time to be eating them bc Im doing up to 2 and a half hours of exercise a day and I wont be able to keep this up all the time u no!
hope ur all doing well!
k Im back went to yoga at 6.15 came home at 8 ate 2 sliices of ww bread 84 calories mashed on a tiny banana and had a spread of peanut on each slice! 2mro Im possibly gonna buy reduced fat and sugar peanut butter or maybe try a bit of nutella although I prefer peanut butter! everything in moderation guys! come on if Im working out this much I should be entitled to that! right! plus my mom said to me today I remind her of an anorexic and dat I look gaunt and ill! I told her I feel great which isnt really true but I wanna maintain the weight Im at and hopefully I can by eating a little more normally!
hope I havent digusted any of u!
4got to say after I ate it I did loads of jumpin jacks and lunges and skipping to kick start da metabolism! even though Im just back from a 90 minute yoga class! x

Monday, 21 September 2009

hey hey!

so last nite was up with cramps but today I got up and went no2! yeh! at long fokin last so I feel like a new person! still a bit tired tho from being up all nite but I slept till 11.45! I didnt beat myself up about not getting up and working out right away bc I decided either way I would do a power walk and my 90 minute yoga class!
I got up and decided to have 2 tablespoons of muesili with my alpro soya yoghurt!
I then typed up a college assignent for my brother! It only took me an hour but he gave me 10 euros for it!
I had 2 cups of peruh weight loss tea.
I then had 2 mangos- which I researched last nite! and they have no carbs! woop, no fat and their good for constipation!!!
I then had a bowl of cabbage soup 0 points on ww!
then I went for my power walk with my mom. followed by grocery shopping where we were served by a pretty hot guy! mom asked me did I notice him checkin me out?!? mmm not sure!
anywhoodle on the way home me and my mom snacked on sum sugar snaps!
then I had my kidney bean stir fry! kidneys beans - high fibre! no fat! good for constipation!!
I made extra for my mom and she didnt want it all and asked me if I wanted more but I said NO! even tho I totally did teehee! anyway took my fat metabolism pills and b vitamins and pro biotics. I must say I am missing my alpro soya light milk :(
anyway Im going to yoga at 8.30! I may or may not have another mango or an apple before then!
Im looking into yoga teacher training courses!
how perfect would that be! every yogi is nearly vegan or at least they eat healthily! they dont stress and they get to do yoga retreats!!!

Sunday, 20 September 2009


Im still very confused as to why I want everyday of my feckin life to revolve around working out and eating the exact same foods?! haha I am crazy! me and my friends baked a cake last nite for my brothers 19th! it was so much fun but I wouldnt touch any of it and I just felt like some sort of freak! I was never even a cake person! altho I do like carrot cake or I did anyway! Im not down about why Im thinking like this because the soon is out and bikram yoga is having me in such a good positive mood! Im so glad the classes are on 7 days a week bc I get to go today and its sunday! plus its sunny today so my mom just asked me if I was up for a walk! so for this reason I had 2 table spoons of oats in my yoghurt! I know I know they are carbs but they are organic oats which skinny bitch luvs! and Im about to walk them off anywho! I still feel like my legs are untones and the backs of my arms and Im still doing my tricep dips hopefully it will all come together for me! I tried to get a job yday and what a joke! recession indeed! nowhere would even take my cv haha! o well! my dad said I might be intitled to some money on the dole so Im gonna go check that out 2mro!
anywhoodle Im off to enjoy this beautiful day!
I need a job and a boyfriend soon tho! ever since I can remember Ive always been tryna get the perfect body so when I meet an absolute hotty I can feel confident! yet Ive never had a serious or long term boyfriend and Ive felt like this for years! waste of time perhaps? haha never! Im happy persuing the perfect body altho I would like to be a little less intense about it! I think when or if I get a job it will reduce the amount of hours in the day where working out is possible and my mind wont be so out of control1
epp mom cumin g2g!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

still disgusting

well I still feel absolutly digusting after my carb day! ewww! and its so annoying bc I cant fill up on fruit and veggies anymore bc their too strong and toxic and gassy on my tummy so all I want to eat is cereal and toast! but I will not! today I got up yoghurt banana flaxseed, 1 hr power walk, half a tin of soya beans, fruit box, 140 calorie lunch box -cauliflower and pototo salad I no potatoes yes! as my mom fokin pointed out! r u eating potato! yeh shut up! anyway then 90 mins of bikram yoga! ne one else do dat? and then 2 mangos and herbal tea! mite be going for a walk again but I rli dont feel dat great still! this is the first wkd I havent drank or gone out all summer!!! I no its not summer now but since I have no college or work it still feels that way to me!
Im gna go yoga gain 2mro! I luv it! seriously last time I tried bikram yoga I felt like I was constantly on the verge of dying! now Im dying to go!!!! I used to look at the clock every 10 mins now I look twice thats it! proud of myself!!! woop woop! still feel fat even tho Im not! well my upper body isnt! I was on this website yesterday real model diets or sumtin like that! it was gud! check it out!
o I got apple cider tablets!!

Friday, 18 September 2009

the day after!

well the day after my total agony I feel gud gud! well not brilliant but I said if I woke up at 11 Id get up and go to yoga at 12! which I did! and hopefully sweated away all da disgusting carbs I ate yday! ewww! I feel disgusted at my actions! I will not be eating cereal, digestive biscuits or peanut butter for the fore seeable future!
anyway I did a good bit of walking today too. went into town for my laser eye consoltation after yoga and after walked all across town to go shoplifting teehee! got me new boots, 2 new jeans, 2 new tops, a dress, 2 mascara and then I went to marks and spencers got a mini mango box and fruit box. I had a few kidney beans aswell and a bit of veg! nutin like b4 the thought makes me sick but I had too eat them or else I was worried Id binge on something else!
hopefeully Ill be able to get up for yoga 2mro its at 11! then going to get dressed not eat and hand out cvs! Ive got to make up for yday!

Thursday, 17 September 2009

worst pain ever!

Last nite was possibly one of the worst of mi life! I went to bed at 1 am in agony well not agony but alot of discomfort! I just could not get comfortable in bed at all! I was just lying there waiting for sleep to happen but Ive had attacks before and I knew what was coming! eventually at 5 am I gave into the attack and started screaming crying. I had to wake up my mom and dad! I am so constipated! I had 2 take soposatrys which I despise! despise! seriously Im so uptight that there so painful! I took a bucket load of pills and at 10 o clock this morning I had to wake my little brother up and get him to go to the chemist and get me pain killers and duphalac! ugh stress of mi life! I know its a combination of stress and my diet. Anyway I promised myself last night Id change my diet! When your in so much pain ul promise anything! but I actually want to change my diet up a bit! Right now I dont no how thats gonna happen bc the thought of puttin on weight makes me feel so sick! but not as sick as I did last nite and kinda still feel. I still havent gone to the toilet! so no yoga for me 2nite! Im not happy bout that but Im gna chill today and def try go 2mro! I dont think Im gonna go out 2mro nite so that means Ill be able to go saturday and sunday aswell and my weekend wnt be disrupted by drinking which I cant imagine doing right now!!! thats a first I no!!
anyway no fruit or veg today!!! first in Id say 2 yrs!! no joke! Ive had 2 bowls of cornflakes a bit of meusili flaxseed and a soya yoghurt! all before 6 o clock but in fairness Ive been up since 1 am! anyway Im sticking to skinny bitches rules bc I ate when I was hungry and everything was vegan and organic! no more eating today just herbal tea! no working out! maybe an evening walk! but tbh I dont c that happening! I feel like crap! I promised myself last nite if I felt pain free Id let my body relax! its needs a fokin break! Its my body! why am I doing this to it!?
I think Im gonna stop writing this blog. I dont think its healthy for me but Im not sure yet! I wanna change my diet without putting on weight and I think it might be possible! bc right I eat ricickulous amounts of fruit and veg and that does add up! now I think Im gonna have 3 meals a day with a yoghurt as a snack. stop eating after 7. morning yoghurt and oats, lunch rice/ noodles? dunno about that yet actually. and dinner beans/tofu? Im not sure! Id appreciate advice? Im gonna try to stay vegan but I think my mom will be pushing the quorn products and if I eat them it means I can eat with my family again which means I wont over eat! this gud be gud. I havent been happy and yet Im at my thinnest. It doesnt make sense! x

k Im disgusting! ate too much! Im such a compulsive eater! Im gna try muster the strenght to go to yoga in the morning then its a diet of herbal tea for the rest of the day! I am disgusting! Lets just say carbs wont be eaten for the forseen future! they are too nice and therefore evil!
not going out 2mro nite even if I feel able so hopoefully Il be up for yoga fri sat and sunday! xx

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

random day

so today I tried to change up my diet a bit! got up had my usual yoghurt and flaxseed. then I had half a glass of alpro soya milk. I walked to the shops and back- 30-40 mins and got 4 mangos. had 2 when I came home. Then I had a salad no dressing with 1/4 can of kidney beans. Then I had some dinner I got tofu and had a 1/3 of the pack but then didnt eat any ma veggies. My stomach just doesnt want them anymore. So I had dun dun dun! a bowl of bran flaked with a few oats!!! first proper carb in ages! had another mango b4 yoga. 90 min class back now having herbal tea! I dont no what to do! shud I have one carb a day? and reduce my veg intake!? Im so confused! I dont wna put on weight but man these cramps have got to go!! x

Tuesday, 15 September 2009


why is no one leaving me comments? I need them. Im so sad! I hated myself after yday so I got myself up and about today. Didnt hand out cvs bc I felt too fugly altho I no myself I am looking very thin. I had a yoghurt 3 and a half table spoons of oats flaxseed, 2 mangos, and half a glass of soya milk. My mom is gonna be pushing me to eat more this week I know it but Ill c what I can do. My stomach is majorly messed up right now. Going for a walk now in a bit then got yoga this evening which is 90 mins!!! andn Im still gonna try do my tricep dips everyday as well as my abs and ass but that is a gud bit. excited bout starting 2nite tho! went shoplifting today. got me 2 new skirts a shirt and shorts for yoga, also loads of confetti and stickers for my scrap book and mangos haha! I could do with some comments to keep me motivated. Everyones saying I need to put on some weight right now but I know thats not the truth so I need you reminding me! xx

ok went to yoga and did the walk! I said I wouldnt eat after 8 but u have to eat two hours b4 da yoga class so I ate at 6 and then afterwards was starving so had a bowl of mango and another half a glass of soya milk! man did I feel like demolishing more food but I did not. I am getting very bad cramps and I told my mom I wnt to go back to the specialist but we both know there is no point. I just started crying and she said its bc Im not eating properly. She said its hard for her to watch me with my friends when they stay over and how they eat toasted ham and cheese sandwhiches or frozen pizzas and I always have sumting different or nutin at all!
I just left the room and said I do eat properly haha what a lie. I want help I think this has gone to far now. I think this is as thin as I can get right now even tho I still think my triceps thighs and ass are too big it just seems like my upper body has disappeard! I know now that being thin isnt making me happier or more confident and I know me saying this wont make you guys realise it bc I listened to ppl say that and was like yeh right how can you not be happy when u luk like dat!
I dnt no what to do anyway! I made my mom and I aa kidney bean stir fry! I used to have 1-2 tins a day today I had bout a 1/4 of a tin. I mite get some tofu 2mro or make a chick pea curry! I think I need to vary it up bc my body is feeling like shit! I actually think my stomach is cringing when it spasms at the thought of eating just more veg! I told my mom Id eat some brown rice 2mro! guess itsnot the end of the world when Im working out for over 2 hrs a day now! I loved seeing my ribs in the mirrors today tho! I wish I could maintain this weight and eat just healthily but I know that wont happen bc this proberly isnt a healthy weight.....
I wish it was just like skinny bitch said. be a vegan. eat what you want vegan style ul be thin. its not. anyway Im gonna not be a vegan soon and get back onto a bit of quorn maybe. I dont no. I say this now haha but wel c....
I think more shoplifting 2mro. its da only thing that made my day interesting! I want to get the top to match this mazin skirt I bought 2day! altho of course it was hanging of me! everything has to be safety pinned to me now. haha
I wonder what I weigh....
I nearly told my friend today that I had an eating disorder bc I tink Im willing to acknowledge the fact that I do. I wont eat out. I wont eat anything I dont prepare. I am strictly vegan but wont have netin processed. I use IBS as an excuse not to eat. I work out excessively even tho Im injured. I lie about eating and what I eat. I think about food constantly....what should I do? pls help x

Monday, 14 September 2009

lets catch up?!

ok no wonder Im getting no comments! my posts have been totally brutal lately! and for that I apolagise! basically I thought my life was taking a turn in the right direction by taking on this college course where I get a diploma in sports therapy, massage, strapping and taping. that kind of thing. It was a full time course and private which means it was like 4 adn a half grand. newho I went to the open day the day after I came back form berlin adn was really excited about it. My mom came with me. and it turned out to be just awful. There was barely anybody there and the people who were there were chavvy knackers with their parents desperatly tryna force them to go to college. I was like why did this happen to me. how did I end up being in college with people who are so driven and determined to people been forced into dooing a course they dont give a shit about yah no??! ugh!!! anyway I was lik dont start crying dont start crying. my mom was out in the car and I ust got in adn burst into tears. she was lik o jesus! I was like mom Im so upset I cant let go of my dream. I was meant to be training to be a dancer. I no I need to accept that Im injured and I cant afford to take a year out but I cant accept it. I cant mve on yet Im not ready. Its the first time Ive fully opened up about how I feel. I just cant deal with it. Im crying right now as I post this its ridick. So how do I deal with this. I get thinner. The last few days I have definely reduced my food intake. My stomach is in bits but today I look very thin! :). but a bit sickly upper bodywise. yeh! ha! my mom keeps asking me what Im eating. will I please have one piece of toast blah blah! I did have 3 spoons of porridge oats this morning. Ill only have 2 2mro. anyway me and my friend walked into town and home last night so proberly over an hour and a half of walking and we were going at a major pace. 2day so far Ive had my yoghurt flaxseed and oats. glass of soya light milk. 1 bowl of ww soup and 3 cups f herbal tea. Im going to go shoplifting and job hunting 2mro. Great combo I no ha.Ive been provisionally accepted onto my personal trainer course so its kul I guess. wel c. Ill try be positive. I want Mark dammit! x

k no fruit 2day so far. my stomachs in bits. ma mom asked me y I tink its in bits and she said she wants to see me eat two slices of toast a day! carbs ah! for dinner I could not face more vegetables so I had barely any and a portion of low fat low sugar baked beans. I cant eat just veg anymore it fuckin up my system so bad. in majr pain 2day. eating is so hard. why. I havent left da couch all day. my mom cooked quorn fillets but I couldnt eat one. I actually kinda wanted too but also not bc it has eggs in them and I wna be a vegan even tho I no its not ideal thats why I had da beans instead. Im going for a walk this evening think dats all I can just about manage. I wna eat sumtin with bulk. dont wnt any more veg! altho I am craving mango! mmm....
I think Ill start eating brown rice or sumtin I dunno Im at a loss. me and my friend are starting the bikram yoga 2mro evening so I guess I can eat a bit more. being thin is so hard. maintaining thinness i i i ! x
feel so sick....
ate another yoghurt with oats. soya milk light with low fat low cal hot chocolate. Im cuttin back on vegetables 2mro der makin me so gassy and painful! Im gonna get sum mango and b4 my yoga class Im gna have some tofu or sumtin I duno or I make make a chick pea curry or sumtin!! help me! Im going crazy.went for a wee walk with my mom in agony of course and she told me I lukd like a girl who needs to be told to put weight on!! dat my shoulders are so bony and I luk skeletal! y do I feel so sad if Im thin enough for ppl to say things like that! x

Sunday, 13 September 2009


yoghurt flaxseed, carrot sticks, 3 bowls of ww 0 points soup. 3 mangos. glass of soya milk. very gassy, bit consto

Saturday, 12 September 2009


yoghurt, soya milk, flax seed, salad no dressing, necterine, 4 pieces of pineapple, veggie stir fry.


had to have sum fruit bc was goin out and needed to snack but seriously not that much. I had too mini mangos, salad no dressing, 2 necterines, yoghurt and soya milk. Right now I dont wnt to comment about my life.

Thursday, 10 September 2009


shit happened to day which Ill tell u about later or after my b usy wkd social life. I ate no fruit! that is actually a major achievment for me but Im too down to care. today I had a glass of soya milk a soya yoghurt ww soup and a sald no dressing. stopped eating 8.30.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Im back!

Right Im b ack from my adventures! good and bad! I got with this guy in prague and he kept telling me how skinny I was and that if I turned side ways he wouldnt be able to c me! man he knows how to turn a girl on haha! neway didnt end up sleeping with him bc stayin in a hostel didnt really make dat possible plus Im not gna lie I wasnt drunk enuf! after I was like right Im gna just go out and get it over and done with and what do I get my feckin period! first time in 2 or 3 months! I managed to stick to my fruit and veg diet and went without soya products for a while but got a 4 pack of soya yoghurts and 2 cartons of soya milk while I was there! I also had a handful or so of kidney beans! I cant bliv I managed to eat da way I always do with the exception of sum low cal instant soups! today Im ack absolutly knackered! I wna get some fruit in 2day bc Im planning mainly to stick to veg for the next while or so! so I want some mango and melon! mmm......
I feel fat! Im sure Ive gained even tho we did so much walking and stuff but whatever Il be back on track 2mro! why? bc Im way too tired today and besides its not like Im gna binge today just eat what I would normally and reduce 2mro! no fruit after 6 me tinks! I hate my arms they feel massive! also got my open day for my new college 2mro so g2 luk well cute! haha hotties await! xx
also ma friend had a bit of a breakdwn one nite in prague! she told me she threw up her food and how she always counts calories! I felt so bad! she knows what Im like and she told me we shud g get help 2gether! but Im not willing to get help altho I dnt no what I was yappin on about when I was drunk! she told me that Im really skinny and I just cant see it! I felt bad for her bc I hope I dnt have any influence on it! I wna be sooo skinny for next time I c Mark! I feel like shit right now so hopefully Ill have energy for 2mro!