Monday, 14 September 2009

lets catch up?!

ok no wonder Im getting no comments! my posts have been totally brutal lately! and for that I apolagise! basically I thought my life was taking a turn in the right direction by taking on this college course where I get a diploma in sports therapy, massage, strapping and taping. that kind of thing. It was a full time course and private which means it was like 4 adn a half grand. newho I went to the open day the day after I came back form berlin adn was really excited about it. My mom came with me. and it turned out to be just awful. There was barely anybody there and the people who were there were chavvy knackers with their parents desperatly tryna force them to go to college. I was like why did this happen to me. how did I end up being in college with people who are so driven and determined to people been forced into dooing a course they dont give a shit about yah no??! ugh!!! anyway I was lik dont start crying dont start crying. my mom was out in the car and I ust got in adn burst into tears. she was lik o jesus! I was like mom Im so upset I cant let go of my dream. I was meant to be training to be a dancer. I no I need to accept that Im injured and I cant afford to take a year out but I cant accept it. I cant mve on yet Im not ready. Its the first time Ive fully opened up about how I feel. I just cant deal with it. Im crying right now as I post this its ridick. So how do I deal with this. I get thinner. The last few days I have definely reduced my food intake. My stomach is in bits but today I look very thin! :). but a bit sickly upper bodywise. yeh! ha! my mom keeps asking me what Im eating. will I please have one piece of toast blah blah! I did have 3 spoons of porridge oats this morning. Ill only have 2 2mro. anyway me and my friend walked into town and home last night so proberly over an hour and a half of walking and we were going at a major pace. 2day so far Ive had my yoghurt flaxseed and oats. glass of soya light milk. 1 bowl of ww soup and 3 cups f herbal tea. Im going to go shoplifting and job hunting 2mro. Great combo I no ha.Ive been provisionally accepted onto my personal trainer course so its kul I guess. wel c. Ill try be positive. I want Mark dammit! x

k no fruit 2day so far. my stomachs in bits. ma mom asked me y I tink its in bits and she said she wants to see me eat two slices of toast a day! carbs ah! for dinner I could not face more vegetables so I had barely any and a portion of low fat low sugar baked beans. I cant eat just veg anymore it fuckin up my system so bad. in majr pain 2day. eating is so hard. why. I havent left da couch all day. my mom cooked quorn fillets but I couldnt eat one. I actually kinda wanted too but also not bc it has eggs in them and I wna be a vegan even tho I no its not ideal thats why I had da beans instead. Im going for a walk this evening think dats all I can just about manage. I wna eat sumtin with bulk. dont wnt any more veg! altho I am craving mango! mmm....
I think Ill start eating brown rice or sumtin I dunno Im at a loss. me and my friend are starting the bikram yoga 2mro evening so I guess I can eat a bit more. being thin is so hard. maintaining thinness i i i ! x
feel so sick....
ate another yoghurt with oats. soya milk light with low fat low cal hot chocolate. Im cuttin back on vegetables 2mro der makin me so gassy and painful! Im gonna get sum mango and b4 my yoga class Im gna have some tofu or sumtin I duno or I make make a chick pea curry or sumtin!! help me! Im going crazy.went for a wee walk with my mom in agony of course and she told me I lukd like a girl who needs to be told to put weight on!! dat my shoulders are so bony and I luk skeletal! y do I feel so sad if Im thin enough for ppl to say things like that! x

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