I am writing to say good bye! I am currently in rehab! My family have called me on my behaviour I am being monitored and guess what I want help! I have no periods and no boobs. I am unhappy. I am under 7 stone. Im depressed. I dont see how making my life revolve around my daily calorie intake was going to be helpful but it did seem like it would be at the time and now I have to sort out one hell of a fucked up mind!
Im going to eat like a normal person. not binge and not restrict. Im gonna look and feel healthy. Im going to exude confidence and make myself be fun around! Im going to not stress out my family about having meals out and all that malark! Im still gonna be healthy and workout so dont think Im going off to become a huge heffer or netin! Anyway Ive got to stop blogging and sort myself out! blogging did help to some extent but reading all your blogs made me feel like I was never restricting or dieting enough. My mom spoke to me and reminded me off the pain my nanny was in when she got osteoporosis and all that and about the risks of infertility. I dont want that in my life. Why am I abusing my body?! Its going to be hard but I want to actually be a healthy person and Im going to be!
Please just ask yourselves why are you doing this? I realised looking back at photos that I was never fat and back then I was eating doughnuts and meat!!! I didnt binge or restrict! I didnt overly think about it I just ate what I ate when I wanted and when I was hungry! I want to go back to that! but never c myself eating a doughnut again haha but you never no! what are you looking to accomplish? this is not the way! I hope this makes some one rethink their actions but I think youl have to realise it yourselves and hopefully it wont be too late. I always used to say like a lot of ppl when I reach this weight and when I can fit in this and that......it doesnt mean shit! its about you! how you feel in your own skin! fucking stop counting calories ditch the focking scales live your life! love your life! and love yourself! bc you deserve happiness and you control your happiness and this is not the way to happiness so pls pls pls pls pls get out before your in too deep!
best of luck to everyone! and especially to my dear blogger friend Flushed who always looked out for my happiness!! IPlease still feel free to email me!
xxx
Tuesday 27 October 2009
Wednesday 14 October 2009
eating in moderation!
Its da key I know it is but can I do it!
eek! wel c! well not the best today got up ate 3 mangos and blueberries!
but then I did an intense 30 min circuit - squats/lunges/dumb bells/skipping/step and more!
followed by 25 min of bikram yoga poses in my house and stretching!
den I had my diet pills with one slice of weight watchers toast, some carrots/peppers/onion and garlic with some reduced fat hummous!
was amazing! and Im not all bloated now or anything!
usually I eat too much veg and have to spend the next 2 hrs deflating!
but now Im all good in the hood! gonna study in a bit and this evening embark on a beginnners running programme! :)
woop woop positivity!
gonna make myself be happy!
also Im entitled to the dole so Ill be getting money money money for doing nutin nutin nutin!
xxxxxx
also Im not gonna eat fruit in the evening anymore.
fruit in the morning
low cal carbs for lunch
and protein and veg for dinner
herbal tea and water in between
:)
eek! wel c! well not the best today got up ate 3 mangos and blueberries!
but then I did an intense 30 min circuit - squats/lunges/dumb bells/skipping/step and more!
followed by 25 min of bikram yoga poses in my house and stretching!
den I had my diet pills with one slice of weight watchers toast, some carrots/peppers/onion and garlic with some reduced fat hummous!
was amazing! and Im not all bloated now or anything!
usually I eat too much veg and have to spend the next 2 hrs deflating!
but now Im all good in the hood! gonna study in a bit and this evening embark on a beginnners running programme! :)
woop woop positivity!
gonna make myself be happy!
also Im entitled to the dole so Ill be getting money money money for doing nutin nutin nutin!
xxxxxx
also Im not gonna eat fruit in the evening anymore.
fruit in the morning
low cal carbs for lunch
and protein and veg for dinner
herbal tea and water in between
:)
Monday 12 October 2009
hello
well it is 2.30 am in ireland and I am tres drunk haha! danced alot and seriosuly just kissed a zac efron luk alike! the guy I am in love with thinks Im sound and hot but doesnt want a long distance relationship even tho we do not live that far away! excuses excuses! anyway I am very confused about my body weight. I dont wna weigh myself. fb says I shud be 115 lbs for my height and last time I was weighed I was 111 lbs adn that was before I got the life ruining fucking surgery on my foot! ewww!
anyways I have not been eating any carbs adn have been living on mangos, blueberries then a dinner of butternut squash sum kidney beans and mushrooms :)
Ive been doing pretty well but my mom is keeping a close eye since my uncle made those fucking comments! a
amadan
which is idiot in irish haha
anyways I like the way I look right now! yes I feel my thighs are touching a bit but Im doing my walk and my 100 tricep dips and 100 abs and inner thigh exercises a bit of skipping! trying my best to have fun bc I have decided to enjoy my time as much as piossible untill december bc Im gonna just chill the fuck out if possible adn dedicate my time to my pt course and then after xmas maybe go work abroad for a bit and then college in september!!
eep!
no tears 2nite despite my vodka intake. def no carbs for the rest of the week :)
the only carbs I did have today tho was 3 rivita crackers which equals 60 calories so not the worst bc thats the equivalant of a piece of fruit and I easily danced that off! x
anyways I have not been eating any carbs adn have been living on mangos, blueberries then a dinner of butternut squash sum kidney beans and mushrooms :)
Ive been doing pretty well but my mom is keeping a close eye since my uncle made those fucking comments! a
amadan
which is idiot in irish haha
anyways I like the way I look right now! yes I feel my thighs are touching a bit but Im doing my walk and my 100 tricep dips and 100 abs and inner thigh exercises a bit of skipping! trying my best to have fun bc I have decided to enjoy my time as much as piossible untill december bc Im gonna just chill the fuck out if possible adn dedicate my time to my pt course and then after xmas maybe go work abroad for a bit and then college in september!!
eep!
no tears 2nite despite my vodka intake. def no carbs for the rest of the week :)
the only carbs I did have today tho was 3 rivita crackers which equals 60 calories so not the worst bc thats the equivalant of a piece of fruit and I easily danced that off! x
Saturday 10 October 2009
vodka tears
ok well last nite my guy didnt show up! bastard! I hate my life so much rite now that he was the only thing I seemed to be looking forward to! and then what happens hes a feckin no show! dam him accepting the invite on facebook! anyways dont no how it happened but last nite I broke down in tears! which I never fockin do form drinking like and told every1 I was suicidal and da only reason I havent killed myself yet is bc I would never do that to my family! omg dramatic much haha!
Then my mom was all like today I got you this type of bread blah blah I want to see you eat 2 slices of that now! and then she wanted me to eat sweet potatos! but I only did one walk today so no carbs allowed!
I i i........
where is my life going! basically thru myself at one mi guy friends and he was so drunk he didnt even notice! I need sex NOW!!!
Then my mom was all like today I got you this type of bread blah blah I want to see you eat 2 slices of that now! and then she wanted me to eat sweet potatos! but I only did one walk today so no carbs allowed!
I i i........
where is my life going! basically thru myself at one mi guy friends and he was so drunk he didnt even notice! I need sex NOW!!!
Thursday 8 October 2009
omg!
omg listen to this! sorry I havent been posting but I have been extremely up and down on da mood front!! Ive been debating wheter or not to keep posting! Its important for me to have somewhere to vent all my life fustrations but I just dont feel like it has been getting me anywhere! Ive started my personal trainer course which is alot of work but I want to take it on and do it properly! like really properly and then maybe after christmas move abroad and work as a pt! and then come back for college in september! woop woop! life plan! which means that I have to just chill the fuck out and have fun untill then! and study for my course of course haha!
Ive been walkaing super loads! doing 100 tricep dips a day! seriously my ass is so tight from all the walking! I also went to badminton! Ive bailed on the yoga! I cant do it anymore! but if I dont like something Im not gonna do it!
anyway I wasnt gonna post at all untill my mom came into me just there and was like Lexy please tell me you had some sort of carb today! I said I did! She said your lying. She said you look awful and gaunt! I dont know if any of you have that show emmerdale but theres a girl on it debbie I tink and shes anorexic in real life. I didnt no this and I dont watch da show but my mom does. I saw her on da show da other day and was like omg wat happened her she used to be pretty! is she playing a homeless person now!? and my mom was like no shes anorexic now! I was like o shit! anyways my mom was like u look like debbie from da show! I was like its bc Ive stopped wearing make up and fake tanning bc I havent been going out that much! she said no stop making stupid excuses. My uncle Lorcan even said it to her and she said she had to make excuses for it and tell him Ive been under alot of stress but I eat normally haha yeh rite! anyway Im very confused! I feel like Ive been getting fatter and fatter! I feel like my thighs and touching eachother all da time! I dont no who to believe! I always feel fat and bloated! I want to get with the boy that I like 2mro nite so bad so I cant be bloated! So Im gonna get up walk in the morning have mangos and blueberries for breakfast and lunch! then dunno what else Im gonna eat but before I go out drinking Im gonna have banana toast and cinamon :) dend drinky drink drink! make my guy love me and get my feckin number for once and for all! xxxx
k I txt my friend and asked her was I sickly thin! I wanted her to say yes! but she said no but I was very thin and definetly should not be trying to get any thinner! so not the answer I wanted! so now I feel like my mom and uncle are just being weird and Im not puttin on weight! altho I would like to get out of this food rut! Where I binge and gorge on ridiculous amounts of fruit instead of eating regular meals and then get bloated form the amount of fruit whereas I might not if I just ate a regular meal you know?
mmm!
Ive been walkaing super loads! doing 100 tricep dips a day! seriously my ass is so tight from all the walking! I also went to badminton! Ive bailed on the yoga! I cant do it anymore! but if I dont like something Im not gonna do it!
anyway I wasnt gonna post at all untill my mom came into me just there and was like Lexy please tell me you had some sort of carb today! I said I did! She said your lying. She said you look awful and gaunt! I dont know if any of you have that show emmerdale but theres a girl on it debbie I tink and shes anorexic in real life. I didnt no this and I dont watch da show but my mom does. I saw her on da show da other day and was like omg wat happened her she used to be pretty! is she playing a homeless person now!? and my mom was like no shes anorexic now! I was like o shit! anyways my mom was like u look like debbie from da show! I was like its bc Ive stopped wearing make up and fake tanning bc I havent been going out that much! she said no stop making stupid excuses. My uncle Lorcan even said it to her and she said she had to make excuses for it and tell him Ive been under alot of stress but I eat normally haha yeh rite! anyway Im very confused! I feel like Ive been getting fatter and fatter! I feel like my thighs and touching eachother all da time! I dont no who to believe! I always feel fat and bloated! I want to get with the boy that I like 2mro nite so bad so I cant be bloated! So Im gonna get up walk in the morning have mangos and blueberries for breakfast and lunch! then dunno what else Im gonna eat but before I go out drinking Im gonna have banana toast and cinamon :) dend drinky drink drink! make my guy love me and get my feckin number for once and for all! xxxx
k I txt my friend and asked her was I sickly thin! I wanted her to say yes! but she said no but I was very thin and definetly should not be trying to get any thinner! so not the answer I wanted! so now I feel like my mom and uncle are just being weird and Im not puttin on weight! altho I would like to get out of this food rut! Where I binge and gorge on ridiculous amounts of fruit instead of eating regular meals and then get bloated form the amount of fruit whereas I might not if I just ate a regular meal you know?
mmm!
Tuesday 6 October 2009
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