Tuesday, 30 June 2009

eep not a gud day!

Well well! still depressed and have a cold getting out of bed showeing and getting dressed is such an effort! I still havent done my exercises 4 2day! but am gna go for a walk later and will def make sure I do my abs b4 bed! I got a job for the nxt 3 days so at least dat will get me some money and up and about! yeh! da bbq is cancelled 2nite so dnt have to start tinkin about excuses! I ate a tin of kidney beans salad and half a tin of baked beans 2day some seeds and a soya yoghurt! all b4 5.30 grrrrrr! Im not plsed with myself to say da least but dats been my 1st yoghurt in 4ever! same with da seeds! Ill be good for the nxt few days! its my bday on sunday and Im gin out friday and sat so wna be rly skinny so myabe 2 days of fluids?! mmmmmm
I did my foot exercises tho so I guess some exercise is better then none.
Im drinking pur eh tea? ne of u guys tried it! its meant to aid weight loss? plus Im still on da slim tea. man Im so fat rite now.maybe bc Ive 4 days of shit in my system! lovely! took dulcolax last nite! man dat stuff fucks up my stomach so I didnt sleep at all and still didnt relieve my constipation! grrr
Michael jackson dying of prescripton drug abuse freaks me out! Im on like 8 dif meds and have like painkillers everyday! plus all da natural shit I take. Im tryna kul it down! eek!
mmm what else?
Iv more poems to type up pls comment on them.
Thanks to dieting dancer for commenting! you are right tho I will try and write a positive poem haha! the nexts ones are still gna be all depresso tho bc wrote them all together in one night!
fluid diet nxt 2 days! let it work x

Monday, 29 June 2009



Is it wise to have one passion
and give it your all?
When it makes you so disciplined,
strong and helps you stand tall.

But what happens the day it is taken away?
Now you dont feel so sure of yourself.
You are from from okay.

All your eggs were in that basket,
which has been broken, battered and destroyed.
Too ruined to pick up the pieces
Your life now has a void.

Can you really move on without feeling bitter?
You need some one to blame,
lashing out at anyone and everybody,
God I feel lame.

What had your discpline thought you,
that you can reapply,
Is this really happening,
surprise you start to cry.

Fuck it! whats the point,
You lost yourself in your passion,
after years of commitment and training
were you ever content?

Stage Face,

Stage Face

She ties her pointe shoes
and blinks her eyes,
3 of her toes are broken,
its no surprise.

Gruelling rehersals, no understudy and underpaid,
was this what she worked so hard for,
everything for which she had prayed?

Warming up sends shooting pains through her body,
she pops a few extra pills,
will they stop the spasms please!

She gets the 5 minute call and takes her place,
Thank God for stage make up,
Its plastered over her sad face.

If only she could cover her eyes,
the windows to her soul,
that is filled with such saddness,
its taking its toll.

Her parents are in the audience,
front seats and waving.
They look at their daughter, so proud.
"Isnt she amazing".

So she puts on her stage face with the help of valium, excedrin and benedrol.
She will never tell them that what she wanted and what she got was not the same thing,
not at all.


K Im back. went to a physio he had positive things to say which is good but I am in soooo much pain and so dwn. I managed to exercise tho which is gud and I practised so much theory and piano and Im gna do more later as well as abs with my brother! we made a pact to do them everynite! so Im gna be doing 2 sets! I love doing stuff with ppl. I ate my tins of beans and den some veg. Im so constipated tho. seriously Ive only run out of my stool softeners 2 days and Im totally bunged up! also my mom got me laxatives bc I am actually constipated! Ive taken some but nothing! Im on like day 4 of the slimming tea. Im pretty sure Im just getting fatter and fatter...... :(
I want another tin of beans.........
NOOOOOO! haha dnt wri Im s not breakin! no fruit today to make up for yesterdays melon! pls dont judge! I wnted it!
anyway last nite I was majorly depressed adn wrote sum poetry! seriously! The words were just flowing! Ive never written a poem before! Im gonna type up some so actually let me no what u think! if its shit its shit! and Ill totally take it down haha! xx

ok I ate an apple! drinkin my slim tea now x

Sunday, 28 June 2009


oh great Im fuckin depressed again. didnt meet up with da boy yday! I have a fear of getting close to ppl and letting them in hence da whole virgin ting. I dnt wnt any1 to no me! or dey wud fuckin run! I am doing this guy a favour by not meetin up with him. was so bloated last nite. I ran out of my stool softeners and havent gone to the toilet since yday! ugh! so didnt wake up to my flat tummy today. also finished my fat metaboliser tablets today but I started drinking my 2 week slimming tea programme last nite. My body is sick and disgusting. I hate it I hate my life. I think I am officially depressed. I always no wen Im getting proper depressed bc I just wna go to bed and cnt control wen Im cryring. Today Ive eatin a tin f baked bins one portion of veg and half a baby melon. Im gona eat da other half and do abs and drink my slimtee and then either go to bed or practice my keyboard o shit I have to shower too. ugh do I rly give a fuck! wats a shower anyway. Im just goin to have to c my fuckin ugly naked body! skip it I say! I need laxatives!

Saturday, 27 June 2009

da past 2 days!

1 tin of baked beans a day with 2 bowls of veg. limited supplies of fruit except for today! damn dat watermelon! fruit definelty bloats me! Im going out again 2nite 3rd nite in a row have made myself a lite weight again! shit my friend is here g2g! x

Thursday, 25 June 2009


So yday I think could have possibly been my most successful day ever! I got up studied my music theory for ages in da glorious sunshine! I drank lots of water. traded the kidney beans for baked beans which actually have less calories dan da kidney beans. I didnt cook vegetables I used frozen ones so that way I didnt cook too much! It went so well! flat stomach all day! Did my exercises too! and I got exercises to do for my foot aswell so hopefully Ill be on da mend!
Today Im drinking so Ill stop eating early! so not too much vodka will be needed! also Im still tlkin to that boy and Im prolly gna c him again on saturday! he better be impressed by my flat stomach haha! no he wont c it dat soon but hel no its der! haha!
boys boys boys! haha der gna replace my food!

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


Omg today had to get up early go see a consultant! and yes my body is totally fucked dance wise! ugh anyway ate an apple! fruit I no I apolagise but I didnt have any yday! and den didnt eat again till 3! had a kidney bean salad. was nice u shud of seen me I was about to eat it and den I realised I hadnt taken my diet pills! nearly dropped da plate ran upstairs and got them! haha I lol at myself. Cnt wlk today foot so swollen Ill condition tho maybe haha enjoyin da sunny weather! x

Monday, 22 June 2009


went spreeing with my gud friend we didnt eat all day den I ate sum lettuce but by 7 was so hungry ate a good sized veg stir fry with kidney beans! still successful I tink no fruit! well impressed! walked a gud bit too certainly wasnt sitting around all day doin nutin. I got loads of clothes still have da fear tho and got green tea diet supplements and also slimming tea! It was way too hot today tho to drink tea so just water and lemon. my stomach was quiete flat this morning! yeh!
I met up with my other friends 2 are girls and r naturally sooo skinny! it wrecks my head all thru skul da pair ate like heffers while I was on diet after diet! anyway my male friend said we were all as thin as eachother? he sounded genuine but watever I no Im da heffer of da group!
stay thin xx

k I no its very early but Ive been tlkin lots to this boy and Im prolly gna c him again on sat! My parents r going away sn so free house? mmm lose my virginity maybe? what do we think? I wna be in love but Im thinkin dat mite never happen for me. I wnt to be so skeletal and fragile like hel be afriad to break me! y does dat sound so gud?! x

Sunday, 21 June 2009

sat and sunday!

Update! asked my mom did she wna go for a walk! went for a full on hour and I did my abs ass and arms wen I came back! x

Omg wat a wkd guys! Im in love haha! not really but I scored (kissed) this guy I!
really like and I think he could like me too. Hvaent eaten too much this wkd. Just da usual fruit and veg a spoon of kidney beans here and there. My mom bought a watermelon which I could not resisting but I havent eaten grapes in ages or carbs so I feel great.
Im gonna start going swimming on tuesday I think I gt an extra large girls one piece its pink and way cute. Its a bit tight but Im gna slim into it. So Im thinking a 2 day lettuce diet perhaps or actually my mom bought these oriental stiry fry things which are only 26 cals per 100 gram so I think Ill stick to them and lettuce!
ok I no this is ridickulous but I am a virgin. I am very unlucky with guys and never rly have time for them bc of my dancing but I think I used to use that as an excuse alot. Im always like I feel like I want my body to be perfect so when a guy gets with me and possibly rejects me after every1 wud be like wtf she has an amazing body?! does that make sense to neone?!
anyway so this is totally stupid Ive kissed this guy once and Im already thinking about how to avoid eating food infront of him and if it did get serious not with him but with any guy Id hav to tell them I have ibs which is o so attractive and I have to take 4 pills every time I eat!
My friend and I are going shopping 2mro so it will be easy not to eat with her bc she supports whatever I do and she wants to diet too. Wer gonna go to holland and barrett to get diet pills! and laxee tea. Im still taking my fat metaboliser tablets which I tink are affecting my sleep pattern. I dont no if der working tho bc I dnt tink Im actually having any fat in my diet. It actually does just consist of fruit veg kidney beans and vodka! haha! I wont be drinking again till thursday which is gud. I went for a walk yday with my mom and I worked out in my room. didnt do anything today but walked home from town last nite which takes like 40 mins and walked to and from the bus stop today another 40 mins den around town and stuff. Ill def go 4 walk and condition 2mro!
I wna be perfect! I wanna be thin! I wna feel so confident! and I wanna lose my virginity!
I feel like Ive gone past the stage of it being ok for it to be a virgin! like I actually tink if ppl knew deyd tink I was a freak! y didnt I just lose it on holidays like everybody else and get it out of da way! y y y?!
neway wel c wat happens with this guy......
anyone recommend any diet pills?? xx

Friday, 19 June 2009


Ok yday I did soooooooooo gud! yeh!!!!!!!!!
I got up and wanted to reclaim my family home bedroom. So I decided to throw away all my old clothes but then I decided I wud ebay them and all my old toys and beanie babies stuff like that! so I was up and about all day taking fotos and folding and setting up an ebay account. very productive. den I went to the doctor and got referred to specialists in Ireland to treat my injuries!
so I drank hot eater and lemon den at 3 o clock I had some pineapple! ( not 5 boxes 1) den at 6 I had a veggie stir fry. all dese tings were like 26 cals per 100 gram and den I had a wee salad later. lettuce tomato and beetroot!
Im sorry if ppl tink dats 2 much but dats an accomplishment for me. Ive decided def no snacking in fruit. dats my downfall.plus Im not asking my mom to or buying myself food anymore! its watevers safe food in da house already or nutin. but if shes going I can say pick up mushrooms or watever which have very few calories. plus I had my diet pills probiotics juice of 1 lemon. 2day its juice of 2 and I did my abs and ass and inner thigh exercises!
I havent talked to my best friend so dont no if she stuck to the plan but unlike me she has done this diet before.
anywho dats it me tinks! Im drinking alcohol 2nite tho so I dont have to drink too much Im gna stop eating early so I get drunk faster and dont need as much!
come on make me thin!


Ok yday I did soooooooooo gud! yeh!!!!!!!!!
I got up and wanted to reclaim my family home bedroom. So I decided to throw away all my old clothes but then I decided I wud ebay them and all my old toys and beanie babies stuff like that! so I was up and about all day taking fotos and folding and setting up an ebay account. very productive. den I went to the doctor and got referred to specialists in Ireland to treat my injuries!
so I drank hot eater and lemon den at 3 o clock I had some pineapple! ( not 5 boxes 1) den at 6 I had a veggie stir fry. all dese tings were like 26 cals per 100 gram and den I had a wee salad later. lettuce tomato and beetroot!
Im sorry if ppl tink dats 2 much but dats an accomplishment for me. Ive decided def no snacking in fruit. dats my downfall.plus Im not asking my mom to or buying myself food anymore! its watevers safe food in da house already or nutin. but if shes going I can say pick up mushrooms or watever which have very few calories.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

The fear!

Oh fuck! so Ive talked about the fear before! so today was going to the airport and was tempted to get food again but the store where dey were onto me yesterday is da closest to me and I debated going in but then I was like no way! I wasnt even hungry! sumtimes I just want stuff for the sake of it! I think I have two disorders going on now! neway I was gna start da 2 4 6 8 diet but didnt. I ate a fruit cup (80 cals) den I didnt eat again for ages! got a headache felt so shit ended up going asleep as soon as I arrived home! ate some pineapple 3 rings to be exact. den I ate 2 mini salads with kidney beans! so 4 little meals. none left me full so I just eased my hunger pains which is gud for me! also drank a glass of hot water with lemon and pureh tea!
My friend text me der saying we shud start da 2 4 6 8 diet 2gether 2mro! ahhhhhh! so I guess Im doing dat! Im going out on friday sat and sun tho and Im so drinking! I will never give up my vodka! Its da only ting dat makes me feel happy right now. Im going to go shopping with my mom 2mro and getting supportive trainers for my foot so I can start walking and using the lateral hight trainer. and Im gna get a swim suit to start going swimming! Im also gna start back playing the flute. I havent played in a few months but Ive been playing since I was 9 so Im sure it will come back to me. I wna use my time productively. dnt wna be just waiting around all day untill I allow myself sumtin to eat like.
I no I wnt be but Id luv to be thin by da wkd. I got some rly nice clothes and it feels a waste for me to wear and ruin them. Ive turned down a shopping lifting spree with my best friend bc of the fear. I dnt feel ready yet!!
altho I got underwear, dvds, a cd fake tan and jewlerry today! but it didnt feel as gud as it usually does!
while Im on da 2 4 6 8 diet or watever turns into 2mro Im gna do da lemon juice diet! xx

Tuesday, 16 June 2009


Ok was practically caught shop lifting there! food of course! fruit is just too expensive! I had stuff in my bag and den I noticed this guy come out of the back where da camera footage is and follow me around. I saw him and picked up stuff and bought it and walked out but it wasnt untill I left that he turned around. I guess they have this policy I read about where they just let u no they no and u get the shit scared out of u and never go back! which is whats gonna happen! I need that seriously! and I think it will help with my eating habbits! Id luv to be able to just do a weekly shop but I eat so much fruit and veg I end up going in2 places almost everyday! and fruit is not cheap! ahhhhhhhh! scary stuff! well thats put me in my place now! I am never going in there again! you no I was thinkin of not moving house next yr coz its so close to that shop and its easy to lift from there! well not anymore! get me away from there haha!

Monday, 15 June 2009


I tink this is gna be da first diet me and my best friend will try! followed by the lemon juice diet. My friend said on da lemon juice diet u drink a litre of water with one squeezed lemon in it and den day 2 u use da juice of 2 lemons and so on untill you have done it for a week and then you reverse it! I tried to do it before ugh it was disgusting but you do it with a normal healthy diet which I prefer to over restricting like! so I actually think Ill start this one on wednesday! or act Ill start it 2mro! xxx

shit buzz!

got up too early! made da day longer and me eat more! grrr! I stuck to fruit and veg of course but I stuffed myself and I feel like a sloth now! Im rly tired too. When I go home home on wednesday wnt be able to eat as much fruit bc I wnt be doin da shoppin so I can only eat stuff in da quantities my mom buys. whereas here I go and lift food and then demolish! 2mro will be my last day of getting loads of fruit and veg so I plan to enjoy it! but hopefully without getting da full bloated feeling! I wnt watermelon and grapes and mango and cherries! mmmmm! damn my obsessive behaviour tho! cnt wait for me and my bf to diet 2gther!

Sunday, 14 June 2009

My mind is lethal!

So last nite was fun didnt eat too much yday so I got durnk quiete easily so didnt need alot of vodka which is very very good! and danced (not too hard or in any way dat wud effect my injury) alot! was sooo much fun! also did alot of walking! plus I did my yoga vid and abs b4 I went out. I didnt do ne 2day! to be honest I didnt fuckin wnt to! today was fruit dominated! mainly by watermelon! yum yum! 2mro will be da same.
walked alot aswell today but no powerwalking but hey its better then sitting in bed all day! I actually bought a dress today from river island it is beautiful and very flattering on. It has a band round the stomach which makes me luk nice. plus my tummy was flattish den bc I hadnt eaten anything yet and it was like 3 in da day time.
I do feel better now dat Im not ramming food down my throat regardless of how I feel. Yesterday I got so much stuff lifting was brilliant. I needed dat buzz so bad!
retail therapy rly does wrk.
so spent time with my friends everything was perfect then every1 started getting ready for college for 2mro and Im by myself with my stupid over active mind tinkin tinkin tinkin!
I swear Im borderline suicidal. I have so many different drugs in my room for my ibs. I dont wna die but I feel like I wna do sumtin stupid so ppl and my parents cop on about how much Im hurting right now. I was depressed when I was younger like 12, 13. there was no reason for it. I went to a therapist and everything. she made it worse. My depression was treated as something shameful. no one was to tlk bout it. It was a secret dat I wnt to da therapist. My mom didnt wnt me on anti depressants but I resent her for that now they would have helped bc I blivd my problem was not emotional. everyday I had to see my therapist I associated with a day of sadness and trying to dig up uneccessary crap memories. I was basically forced to snap out of my depression bc I could see how much it was affecting my mom and dad. I hated what I was doing to them so I just started pretending to be happy and then for some reason I was. but I never feel like I got to sort it out myself it was all pretend.
I dont no when or how da eating thing started. I remember my mom doing weight watchers when I was younger and her looking at food packages and tlkin points. Then I always remember being chubbier thanmy friends. Then my cousin became anorexic. I was talking about it to my brother and we were saying why would some one starve themselves food is amazing. I said it must take some amazing will power to be anorexic and Id never have that. Not that Im anorexic but my disordered eating did take some will power. You have no idea how much I used to love food. Curries with rice. Chinese take aways. pizzas. anything covered in cheese to be honest. now I only eat fruit and veg. soya sauce. kidney beans. not at the moment but nuts seeds hemp protein and soya yoghurts.
My best friend and I made up da one that I told u about b4. she introduced me to shoplifting and dieting. I loved it. we prided ourselves and tried to make ourselves fucked up! It was ridickulous. She has an amazing body neway and cud eat way more then me and it wudnt show. but I went over board totally restricted and got way skinny! It felt amazing! I was honeslty never happier.
Then I got feckin IBS and it ruined everything bc even tho I was think I was so bloated it ruined everything. so then I tried to become healthy again and dat made me fat! I hate my arms and my legs so much! dey actually sicken me! grrrrr
When I go home on wednesday Im gna try do da 6 small meals a day. I plan to have sex soon. I cant bliv Im still a virgin! Itss bc of my body Im too ashamed to let a guy c it. when a boy sees my body I wnt it to be so perfect dat if he ditches me afterwards I will no hes just an idiot bc my body luked amazing!
Im still taking my fat metabolizer tablets even tho theres not alot of fat in my diet rite now with fresh fruit and veg. and Im still ttaking my probiotics advanced formula and also Im on day 2 on my 2 week course of slimming tea.
Oh yeh so my bf and I made up so wer gna do diets again together dis summer and lifting! were back! wer so bad for eachother but I luv it!

Saturday, 13 June 2009

good day!

So yday was more veg dominated and today was fruit dominated with a tiny portion of veg! feeling alot better! no longer cramming food into my system! Im now actually enjoying what Im eating and trying to eat as slowly as possible.
Got a few things today shopping! so happy happy! going out 2nite so getting ready now I fill u in more on my spree 2mro bc it was a gud one! x

Friday, 12 June 2009

Valium yum

So today is the first day in ages! that I have restricted the quantities of what I eat even tho I eat mega healthily. But today Im not eating any soya yogirhurts since I ate 3 yesterday and Im not eating any beans either. Ive eaten a stick of celery an orange and I might have a mini veg stir fry with spinach, mushrooms, pepper and courgettes cooked in soya sauce and juice of a fresh lemon and garlic to speed up the metabolism.
So now of course my mind is all like ok this means everyday you can have one fruit and a veg stir fry. Why is it so hard to listen to what it wants. I always have to go off and make up these rules that never revolve around how by body feels. I actually eat so much fruit and veg bc its a safe food and I fill myself with it even if I feel sick. Its not very good. My minds a tad crazy. I bullshitted to da doctor yday and got myself a pack of valium mmmmmmm.........
so the plan is to take loads and knock myself out and wake up thin haha!

Thursday, 11 June 2009

3 yoghurts!

Well bc my scheduele is totally fucked up now bc I had to get up at 8.20! so it meant I ate soooooooo much bc the day was so much longer. I had 3 yoghurts! alpro soya organic! eek! o well what can you do I was bound to binge sooner or later. Its awful I swear I can feel my thighs getting fatter. Well fuck it I dont give a shit. 2mro I am not having kidney beans or yoghurts. Lots of tea is my plan but I dont no fully how da eating will go yet. I don have ne food in my house. I wna just do tea till wednesday but I dont think it will work but I want it to bc then I will have dropped something b4 I go home on wednesday. Ill try to do it. If Im hungry I can eat celery x

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Spam Blog

Whats da deal? Im being reviewed for having a spam blog? what da hell is that! anyway dont think anyone is actually reading this anymore and I dont blame anyone bc my life fuckin sucks and nothing is changing no matter how hard I try! I cnt deal with all the shit in my life anymore. even tho theres not alot the injury and eating thing is enough. I dont wna eat in a resteraunt later I hate it. I couldnt sleep last night thinking about it. How weird am I gonna look eating a side salad! haha! o Im just a fucking joke. Once again my only lesson in college was cancelled! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
going to meditaion on friday!

Tuesday, 9 June 2009


So I was gonna get up go to my doctor and bullshit my way into getting some anti depressants. but in fairness I dont think I would of had to bullshit that much bc my life sucks right now. Anyway theres no way Ill get an appointment for today and plus I just did some research and they can cause weight gain?! so fuck that! Valium better not cause weight gain bc sometimes I take that but my doctor is so stingy with the prescription! In bed now. I have a class at 4.30 that I can take part in so Im probly gonna go get some fruit b4 den but stay in bed all day and then as soon as I come home. Ugh need to do my abs ass and arms!? stress of my life!

Monday, 8 June 2009

kill me now

K I think Im becoming depressed. Its not over eating its over my injury. I dont knoww how my eating went today. I got up had my yoghurt and hemp protein and seeds. then didnt eat for ages then got a good bit of fruit but only had one box of grapes which is good but I wasnt satified. Got some watermelon which I love but it was cut into tiny little pieces! whatever! had my dinner which I love and now Im about to have my laxee tee. Only one left after this one.
I feel like my life is going nowhere. Like this blog has represented what like the last 3 weeks of my life and nothing has changed. Hopefully my arms will start to tone up bc Ive been doing lots of exercises but I really need to do cardio once my foot gets sorted. Im going to get a massage on wednesday! I need one. I actually dont no whats going on with me right now. Maybe its bc Im on my period which Im n ot used to being on but I feel all over the place. My mom is really supportive but shes really pushing me to have a plan B incase I dont recover properly and cant dance next yr! Id actually rather die and start life over again then considor that. I dont want my parents to know how upset I am over here at moment but I am. Im considoring going on anti depressants 2mro altho I dont know if that will help anything. I have an addictive personality. hence why I obsess over things.
Its my friends birthday on wednesday and wer going to Frankie and Bennies. I dont know what to order. Either a side salad or fries and not eat them! mmm Im gonna push da omg my money hasnt gone into my account excuse haha! I hate spending money on food ewwww.
Im loving adding frozen spinach to my little veggie stir fries so good with garlic and lemin. I used to always add dolmio bolegnase light sauces but who needs da extra calories! Im enjoying being a vegan. And I definelty havent been as bloated. I think this summer when I go home Im going to try having 6 small meals a day. Im also gonna be doing a 30 day course of brikram yoga. You do a class a day for 90 mins. Its so intense but its so good for u. Also gonna try go swimming regularily.
No luck finding jobs today. Whatever dont even no if I care. The only place I actually would of liked to work was da pet store bc I love animals! Id really love the company of one now. Just to sit around da house with.
Is it better to eat alpro soya yoghurts as opposed to muller light yoghurts?!
Alpro soya organic- calium, live in cultures, low in saturated fat, amino acids, omega 6&3, no artificial additives
98 kcal
11.9 sugar
2.8 Fat
0.5 saturates
0.2 salt
Muller Ligthts- virutally fat free with sugar and sweeteners.
100 kcal
12.4 sugars
Theres barely any fat or saturated altho theres is carbs! mmmm..
I dont no why Im doing this! I once loved these yoghurts so much! binged on 5 one time then vowed never to eat them again! but now Im over them even though I dont think the alpro ones are as nice I feel better for eating them.


I hate my life.
maybe a tad dramatic but I am so bored of being injured! If there was anyway I could move on with my life I would. I wanna go home and be with my friends. Not in a different country where every1 I know is at college 24/7! I am so going to hand out my cv's! even tho Im only here for another 5 weeks I need to do something!!!!
Next week Im allowed t gradually start exericising again so Im thinking 45 mins cross trainer and weights session and a nice stretch! awwwwww sounds amazing!

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Day 7!

So its the end of another week! I have basically changed nothing! although I am a little less bloated. I suppose Im vegan again and havent been overly obsessively binging on fruit!
Today I tried to fight da fear and go shoplifting! I hope yout so u guys dont think Im an absolute chav for doing it but it gives me such a high and I get so scared about doing it that it totally has to speed up my metabolism.
Today I went to Holland and Barrett. I was going to try and get some soya protein mix but they only had one on the shelf and it was beside the counter so no can do. Altho I did get Shelled Organic Hemp. It says it is HIGH IN PROTEIN! which is what I want. I spent so long looking at the protein bars. They all looked so delicious. But I couldnt get one. Id get hooked and I couldnt live with myself it I ate one. o well. I also got pro bio 7 advanced formula. Their suitable for vegans. Then I also got Slimatee a natural herbal aid. From the same company that provided me with laxxee tee! It says to take 1 cup every night for 2 weeks. So Im not going to start untill I finish he 2 weeks of fat metaboliser tablets and my last few laxee tees.
I went to Boots 2. I have the fear there aswell bc of the alarms. I used to take so much from there like loads of ST Tropez fake tan but theyve alarmed it all now so Im using a Boots brand which is actually really nice and scent free. Im really not that big a fan of St Tropez at all. So I went to Boots again so I think I feel safe there now which is good. I havent gotten any clothes in a while. Im just not ready to go back yet. Even thought I know what works and what doesnt I cant do it!
I went back to Borders aswell but I bought a dvd just in case. Those alarm systems scare da crap out of me. I know Ive said this before but I was reading a book and it said people who have disordered eating patterns are prone to shoplifitng and abusive drinking! haha that is so me. Got a belt and some nail varnish too. I really wish I could go get some clothes. But I cant!
Back to eating Im having the same old same old today :)
I really wanna try something new but what beats fresh fruit and veg and kidney beans :)

Can you use stuff like berts bees lip balm if your a vegan? do they harm the bees? x

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Day 6

I think Im bored of kidney beans, fruit and veg........
o and last night it wasnt the laxxee tea attacking me I got my period this morning! woop woop 2 months in a row! In a way Im happy and not happy at the same time! Ive had about 4 periods in the last 2-3 years! haha but at least 2 months in a row is consecutive! hasnt been that way before! Hopefully I wont be getting osteoporosis nw :)

having sum lax tea now Im nearly done with my supply so Ill give da intestines a break from it!
Omg am so gonna get busted soon for stealing my roomates food! Its not my fault I dont plan to but I get hungry and take sumtin I think will be unoticable! but then it gets noticed! Ive eaten a whole box of sumones cereal b4! and I take tins of stuff too! When there not in I love to look through their cuboards just to see what I considor is normal stuff to eat! My cuboard is so different to theirs and my shelf in the fridge! I always have yoghurts (now alpro soya organic) fresh fruit and veg! I still have sum laughing cow light cheese but Im not gonna eat it. The my cuboard is full of baked beans and beans in vinagerette or chilli sauce! but I dont wna eat them nemore I just want beans in water so I just have a load of tins!! Im taking probiotics religiously after my meals and I actually think they are helping with the bloating! I took pictures of my stomach today! and my arms to monitor them! looking at them is different then looking at my body directly. I feel different to how I look.

Friday, 5 June 2009

Day 5

It actually kind of depressing that in the time Ive started this Im pretty sure my body has not changed one bit! o well! what to do! I went to bed really late last nite so I would wake up late today and not eat as much! clever eh! so Its now 2 o clock and Ive had my alpro soya organic yoghurt with some linseeds to help me poop and milled organice pumpkin and sunflower seeds plus my fat metabolizer tablet and a pre bio 7 tablet. Now Im having a herbal tear. I read the back of my laxx tea last night bc I was wondering why I only got like 10 tea bags! But it says your only suppose to take it 4 a week and then not continue it. Its not a long term solution to constipation but I thought it would matter like bc its herbal. But maybe its hard on te system or something?? Ill google it and see whats it says.....
We hear the word herbal and automatically associate it with something good healthy and natural. For the most part, herbals are wonderful. Unfortunately, when used improperly, they can be harmful.
Stimulant laxatives herbs work by irritating the walls of the intestine to increase peristalsis. Over time and especially with abusive use, it can damage the intestines.
Wow that was insightful! Fuck jesus u have to be careful with everything dont you! I love reading the back of food packages tho! dunno why haha!
ugh so bored of being in bed all day now! O my friend is on her way woop woop! laters xxxxxx

OMG I tink the herbal laxxtea is attacking my insides! ow! major nuerofen is needed! ok thats it! still sticking to my food combining! and diet of alpro soya yoghurt fruit and veg! o and kidney beans! ne one recommend any other types of beans I can experiment with? x

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Day 3+4

So yesterday was a good day! Im following the food combining rule! I bought a book about it when nothing else seemed to be working for my IBS! It states that you should eat fruit only in the morning and then after you eat anything else you shouldnt eat fruit again bc fruit is digested straight away in the morning but if you eat it after something digestion takes longer and the fruit gets trapped and begins to ferment in your body. mmm lovely! Then you cant eat carbs and proteins 2gether bc your body will only focus on digesting one and not the other. So you should eat carbs and veg at lunch time and then protein and veg in the evening! Im not eating carbs atm tho! So this is actually really helping me bc I can eat fruit is crazy quantities at time like no matter what I ate during the day Id want a box of grapes before going to bed! like thats ridiculous! It was more habitual more than anything else. So now once I eat anything else I cant eat fruit again! BRILLIANT!
Still loving the kidney beans atm but Im gonna have to get more protein I think! Another trip to Holland and Barreth this wkd. Im a bit annoyed tho at the moment my shoplifting habbits have stalled! I have da fear again! grrrr. How annoying I used to be fine just nipping into town getting a few things coming back and showing them to my roomates but now Im scared! I miss my best friend wer not really talking atm but we she got me into it and we used to do it together! It freaks me out now walking out passed alarms so afraid there gna go off so for now Im staying put. I started doing it when I first started being weird about food. Its all about beating the system for me. I always try find a way around everything. Not eating/ not going to school/ not paying for stuff.
Anywho really down today Im in college but cant dance for another 2 wk after getting my cast off so basically I will miss all the rehearsals for the summer show ie Im not in da summer show ie Im just here for no reason other than to be a crippled fucker who thinks about food all day! How exciting!!!!!!!!!
I just want the will power to fast for a few days. This weekend Im thinking only green veg. celery, cucumber and brocolli!
Last night I had an IBS attack dunno why but I did. I woke up and felt like my stomach was being knifed! awful awful feeling. basically I didnt have a bm yesterday despite drinking my laxee tee mmmm........Ill have to drink another soon.
Thats all for now I dont know whats happening with my life for the next 6 weeks doesnt luk like I can do much dancing. Ill start power walking jogging and cycling but not untill my foot is ready. So Ill do a bit of a crash diet week next week maybe. I need to mentally prepare. O also my friend is having a bday dinner next wk! its gud bc wer nearly all poor students so Im just gonna pretend to be poor and order a plate of chips and den not eat them!

I ate alot of fruit today! dun dun dun! too much fucking free time would be the problem! I got the fear so I didnt go shoplifting which usually gives me a bit of a high when I cant dance but anyway I went to get food and books to read! I just want it to be sunny 2mro so I can lie on the grass and read. then I dont feel as lazy as lying in bed! Did a bit of cycling and like 45 mins of what body conditioning I should! 2mro Im gonna go look for a job oh the joys of being a cripple!
loys of laxee tea 2day! woop woop no.2's!

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Still a Vegan!

Day 2 and Im still a Vegan to be honest its not that hard and Im happy to be having my alpro soya yoghurts except the nicest flavours blueberry and cherry got squashed in my back pack so I only have 4 peach ones now! O well! there 22 less calories then da muller lights although a good bit smaller but less sweeteners and flavourings! woop woop! I love being healthy even if I dont feel it! I havent been tempted to have my extra light laughing cow cheese spread yet although I have lots of packets in my fridge aswell as loads of quorn products in my freezer which I still havent used! eek! o well! I love summer its sooo sunny out Im wearing shorts and a t-shirt and yes my legs are a lilttle fat and my arms need major toning but still I love lukin summery!!!
Im gonna go do my arms ass and abs now! then Im getting my stitches out! Plus Il be cycling to and from the hospital which I also did yesterday so Im def getting more exercise now that Im back here! Plus Ive taken my two fat metaboliser tablets for the day! I dont think theres fat in my diet tho! well maybe the soya yoghurts and the flaxseed stuff mmmmm. o well got them now so Im taking them anyway!
Enjoy the sun! xx

Omg Ellie just informed me that theres egg in quorn! omg thank god I didnt eat any! but its made me realise that veganism isnt going to be long term for me but sure wel c how I go! Atm Im taking Lindewoods health food mixes! Ive just been reading about them online. I love reading the health benefits so I think Im gonna mix it up and try a new packet every week or every time I run out of one. Im gonna luk at the protein shakes aswell when I go to Holland and Barreth next! Ne brand recomendations? Im so tempted to get the bars but I know Il lose control of myself if I do.

Also today on youtube I watched The Truth About Online Anorexia! it wasnt that good an Fearne Cotton was the presenter! I think she is absolutly stunning! so of course she wouldnt be affected by anything like this. She said she was 9 stone and happy blah blah u c the ting is I dont believe ppl when they stay stuff like that and they go out and have dinner and cake with their friends?! She does run 5k 3 times a week so she does look after herself like. mmmmmmm I dunno. Anyway I secretly think other ppl go take on these documentaries so they can have a boot camp and lose weight but Fearne didnt stick to any diets she tried the rainbow diet and the 2 4 6 8 diet but didnt finish either of them. She saidt she didnt want to so I thought fair play she must be happy in herself so it made me like her a bit more. To be honest though she went to schools and talke to young kids about diets and calories just to see if they knew about them but stuff like that makes me think about them more. We had a talk about eating disorders in my dance school and it made me feel weak hearing some stories! But I have to keep telling myself I dont wanna be ill I wanna be happy healthy and beautifully underweight haha! just give me thinner legs, bony arms and protruing hips and Ill be happy! thats all I ask!!!!

Monday, 1 June 2009


I just watched the Thin documentary. It was soooo sad! I dont understand why we cant just all be a nice healthy weight if we eat a balanced diet! but its soooo not as simple as that. I just feel so upset after watching it. I know lately I havent been as extreme as I used to be but by starting this blog and reading yours I wanted to be motivated to get back into extreme dieting again. Watching documentaries on ED usually inspire me and give me tips but that just made me sad and made me grateful that I do have a good life and that I should enjoy it more and think about food less. The girl Britanys story was the saddest I thought. I hope she gets sorted. It made me really angry that the government doesnt offer more support for people with EDs. Anyway just felt like a bit of a blog after that. Has anyone else watched it? xxx

no carbs/dairy today x

New Week!

Right its a new week and I dont no where I stand at all at all! Im pretty surre nothing has changed and I totally od'd on fruit last night but that was to be expected! mmm....well Im going to go to holland and barret and get some hemp protein which has been suggested by Vegan On Stage and then to sainsburys to get my favourite kidney beans! and lots of healthy healthy veg! and a bag of carrots which is from now oon my new snack!
Im getting my cast off 2mro thank fuck! and then I will be back exercising full on! but I cant launch in2 bc I am not getting myself injured again! If I look of by saturday I might go swimming. Its sooo sunny here at the moment ppl are walking around in bikinis even tho theres no beach or anything near us! theres no way Im bikini ready!
stay thin x

Ok Ive eaten a gud bit of fruit today but never ate it when I was really full! I got little mango snack packs for the next 3 days so hopefully I wont buy much more fruit over the next few days! I got my kidney beans and some other types to experiment with! Their all organic and in water! along with the sweetcorn and beatroot I got! Omg how embarressing! my poo for the last 2 days has been red! At first I thought it was blood which has happened before and I had to have a colonoscopy! but Im almost 100% sure its from the beans and beetroot! hey at least Im actually going atm! and I went to Holland and Barrett! I got sum manuka honey to have in hot water with lemon bc my throat is sooo sore today and I cudnt find hemp protein anywhere so I got this flaxseed and pumpkin seed mix thats high in protein? is that gud enough Vegan On Stage? also! Im going back to being a Vegan! I thought giving up my MullerLights would be life ruining so I invested in some alpro soya yoghurts. but then I realised I love my laughing cow extra light cheese spread! its only 20 calories? but hey Ill try go without it for the time being! Im back taking pro biotics again and I got some natural weight loss tablets! its a 2 week plan. It includes a diet plan which Ive yet to read but Im gonna start it 2mro! exciting. I like having a plan! and it starts the day I get my cast off! The get my life back on track diet! woop woop! k I just read the 2 week diet plan its basically a 1500 calorie diet dont eat 3 hrs b4 bed. low fat dairy. it says to have vegetables but not sweetcorn or peas?! tear y is this I bought 3 tins of sweetcorn today! I love the stuff!?!! and omg I just started to drink my laxative tea it is disgusting! haha o well Ill try anything! xx