Sunday, 14 June 2009

My mind is lethal!

So last nite was fun didnt eat too much yday so I got durnk quiete easily so didnt need alot of vodka which is very very good! and danced (not too hard or in any way dat wud effect my injury) alot! was sooo much fun! also did alot of walking! plus I did my yoga vid and abs b4 I went out. I didnt do ne 2day! to be honest I didnt fuckin wnt to! today was fruit dominated! mainly by watermelon! yum yum! 2mro will be da same.
walked alot aswell today but no powerwalking but hey its better then sitting in bed all day! I actually bought a dress today from river island it is beautiful and very flattering on. It has a band round the stomach which makes me luk nice. plus my tummy was flattish den bc I hadnt eaten anything yet and it was like 3 in da day time.
I do feel better now dat Im not ramming food down my throat regardless of how I feel. Yesterday I got so much stuff lifting was brilliant. I needed dat buzz so bad!
retail therapy rly does wrk.
so spent time with my friends everything was perfect then every1 started getting ready for college for 2mro and Im by myself with my stupid over active mind tinkin tinkin tinkin!
I swear Im borderline suicidal. I have so many different drugs in my room for my ibs. I dont wna die but I feel like I wna do sumtin stupid so ppl and my parents cop on about how much Im hurting right now. I was depressed when I was younger like 12, 13. there was no reason for it. I went to a therapist and everything. she made it worse. My depression was treated as something shameful. no one was to tlk bout it. It was a secret dat I wnt to da therapist. My mom didnt wnt me on anti depressants but I resent her for that now they would have helped bc I blivd my problem was not emotional. everyday I had to see my therapist I associated with a day of sadness and trying to dig up uneccessary crap memories. I was basically forced to snap out of my depression bc I could see how much it was affecting my mom and dad. I hated what I was doing to them so I just started pretending to be happy and then for some reason I was. but I never feel like I got to sort it out myself it was all pretend.
I dont no when or how da eating thing started. I remember my mom doing weight watchers when I was younger and her looking at food packages and tlkin points. Then I always remember being chubbier thanmy friends. Then my cousin became anorexic. I was talking about it to my brother and we were saying why would some one starve themselves food is amazing. I said it must take some amazing will power to be anorexic and Id never have that. Not that Im anorexic but my disordered eating did take some will power. You have no idea how much I used to love food. Curries with rice. Chinese take aways. pizzas. anything covered in cheese to be honest. now I only eat fruit and veg. soya sauce. kidney beans. not at the moment but nuts seeds hemp protein and soya yoghurts.
My best friend and I made up da one that I told u about b4. she introduced me to shoplifting and dieting. I loved it. we prided ourselves and tried to make ourselves fucked up! It was ridickulous. She has an amazing body neway and cud eat way more then me and it wudnt show. but I went over board totally restricted and got way skinny! It felt amazing! I was honeslty never happier.
Then I got feckin IBS and it ruined everything bc even tho I was think I was so bloated it ruined everything. so then I tried to become healthy again and dat made me fat! I hate my arms and my legs so much! dey actually sicken me! grrrrr
When I go home on wednesday Im gna try do da 6 small meals a day. I plan to have sex soon. I cant bliv Im still a virgin! Itss bc of my body Im too ashamed to let a guy c it. when a boy sees my body I wnt it to be so perfect dat if he ditches me afterwards I will no hes just an idiot bc my body luked amazing!
Im still taking my fat metabolizer tablets even tho theres not alot of fat in my diet rite now with fresh fruit and veg. and Im still ttaking my probiotics advanced formula and also Im on day 2 on my 2 week course of slimming tea.
Oh yeh so my bf and I made up so wer gna do diets again together dis summer and lifting! were back! wer so bad for eachother but I luv it!

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