Thursday, 5 November 2009

uh oh!

eep! well today I woke up really late which Im usually happy about bc den theres less temptation to eat all day! So I had my mango and blueberries for breakfast and my fat free blueberry yoghurt mmm! then I planned the session I had today with my personal trainer client and studied a bit. The I had the session1 2 cups of weight loss tea and then I had my dinner there. 3/4 tin of beans and spinach mushrooms and sweetcorn! mmm no quorn today! I ran out of quorn pieces and dont wanna try any of the quorn products covered in sauces or breadcrumbs so I cudnt eat them! Im only planning on having 2 slices of ww bread and a soup later and maybe another mango hunger depending of course. Havent had time to exercise yet today. cept I did a bit with the trainer client so I was a bit active but waiting to see if my friends up for a walk now! well power it out haha! g2 take my calium for today and my iron supplement still. I think Ive gained weight ugh! well obv bc Im eating more! Im gonna have to go back over this blog to monitor what I was actully eating! anyway I started reading the secret! its really good! I feel like what Im reading is amazing but find it hard to implement what its suggesting! therapy 2mro Im scured! xx

Wednesday, 4 November 2009


Guess whos starting therapy on friday! woop woop! I got an appointment and its going to be either low cost or free because Im on social welfare! lets get me sorted! also today I woke up and went shoplifting and got myself the self help book the secret except its one for teenagers but thats fine cz Im 22 and still act like a lost little confused teenager haha! also got my daily dose of mangos! I am eating more and a bit more healthy but calorie intake is still quiete low, but Im eating 2 low fat yoghurts a day actually not low fat fat free and there 50 calories each! omg w8 I dont wna get into calories! fock! but I am taking an iron sachet every day and 3 calcium tablets a day now! I hope I get my period back soon!
Flushed!! the reason your not getting your period is probably because your diet is so unbalanced! bc even when I wasnt underweight I wasnt getting it but that was because I was only eating fruit and veg! so please look after yourself! your gonna get to your goal weight I know it but please make it realistic and healthy because I LOVE YOU 2!
Anyway Ive been eating the exact same foods for the last week and I did an hour and 20 min fit ball workout and 2 power walks! I tried to tell my mom Im going for therapy on friday but I actually just couldnt! I hate upsetting ppl by letting them no Im upset! altho I got in a bit of trouble today bc I bought this rice thats low in calories but I havent been able to bring myself to eat it but its still in the kitchen and its mine! for me! and my little brother fecking ate it all and I was gettin pissed off bout it and then he told my mom that hed eaten it all and then she realised that Id been lying about eating it! fock!
anyway Ill go talk to this therapist on friday and see if wel be able to work together and den tell my mom bc I also have a number for another one! I have to figure out what I want out of life and how I can achieve it safely and healthily!
Hopefully I will benefit from therapy!! woop Im excited! I can come on this and be like well my therapist says teehee!
anyway Ill let you no how I get on! I really really really wna get out of this dinner on friday but I feel so bad bc my uncles over from america and my aunt from england and it will mean alot to my dad if I go yah no?! and he looks after me so well I dont want to be a bitch! but if I go Im bailing this healthy plan not eating 2mro or friday! and sat and sunday I wont be able to work out bc I have my course 9-5 and unless I do an evening walk exercise is out!!!
anyway great recovery teehee!
k I just realised what I typed I feel like a skitzo! must get period back and be healthy!!!

Tuesday, 3 November 2009


so basically I nonly feel like eating is justified if I do at least one workout and a power walk a day! I did not do my power walk today! I feel like Im eating way too much now! I just want my period back so I can be thin but at a weight where I dont risk osteporosis or infertility! Also I would like to stop being such a freak about food! I dont wna be calculating calories in my head all day and at nite tinking about what Ill eat da next day! I dont even wna type da list of what Im eating right now! Theres this family dinner on friday and as soon as I heard about it its like I either make an excuse to get out of it or I starve all week in order to go but still not want to eat any of the food available but clearly now after my moms and uncles comments Im going to be monitored yah no?!
I need to tell my mom I wna tlk to sum1 and get myself sorted! I dont wana get further into this viscious cycle but I feel like thats whats gonna happen bc of the fact that I dont really have much to focus on right now! xxx

Monday, 2 November 2009

harder than I thought!

So much for my big goodbye stage eh! Ive still been reading your blogs but didnt wna post! I actually think Ive been eating less than usual! I no longer want to fill my body and gorge on fruit and veg! Im eating really small quantities! but Im having weight watchers bread 44 calories per slice and spoons of beans bit of quorn and a fat free 50 calorie yoghurt! I really dont want to put on weight at all I just want to be a bit more normal and not feel like a freak when people suggest going for lunch! I havent been able to work out in 3 days! but yday I went for a power walk and today I did an hour of fitball and a power walk aswell and thenI had to set up my clients personal trainer programme so I was doing exercises then too! mmmm....
I dont no if you remember but I went to a summer party and one of my friends was anorexic and looked so so so bad! I wnearly burst into tears! well I went to a party on saturday and she was there and shes in recovery and thank fuck she lukd less like death and she speaks so openly about her disorder I find it easy to confide in her! she told me I do look extremely thin and I told her that means nothing to me! I asked my brother last night did I look sickly thin I was kinda hoping hed say yes so Id be like right cop te fuck on and get your life back on track but he said no but u wudnt want to get any thinner.
But then my uncle who I saw last christmas was over from America and he seriously never comments on people and I said bye to him and he said out loud infront of everyone youd want to put on a bit of weight your looking extremely thin! haha!
Im tryna start going to therapy or something bc there is just too much going on for me to deal with! Im feeling healthier now that Im not stuffing my face with what I considored safe foods but I just want my freakin periods back! my mom said so much stuff that just sacred the shit about me! I still dont considor myself thin enough to have an eating disorder or to be put in that bracket but I did an online questionaire andn it really hit home!
Im still trying to recover a bit but I think Im gonna stay on this bc I need you guys! x

Tuesday, 27 October 2009


I am writing to say good bye! I am currently in rehab! My family have called me on my behaviour I am being monitored and guess what I want help! I have no periods and no boobs. I am unhappy. I am under 7 stone. Im depressed. I dont see how making my life revolve around my daily calorie intake was going to be helpful but it did seem like it would be at the time and now I have to sort out one hell of a fucked up mind!
Im going to eat like a normal person. not binge and not restrict. Im gonna look and feel healthy. Im going to exude confidence and make myself be fun around! Im going to not stress out my family about having meals out and all that malark! Im still gonna be healthy and workout so dont think Im going off to become a huge heffer or netin! Anyway Ive got to stop blogging and sort myself out! blogging did help to some extent but reading all your blogs made me feel like I was never restricting or dieting enough. My mom spoke to me and reminded me off the pain my nanny was in when she got osteoporosis and all that and about the risks of infertility. I dont want that in my life. Why am I abusing my body?! Its going to be hard but I want to actually be a healthy person and Im going to be!
Please just ask yourselves why are you doing this? I realised looking back at photos that I was never fat and back then I was eating doughnuts and meat!!! I didnt binge or restrict! I didnt overly think about it I just ate what I ate when I wanted and when I was hungry! I want to go back to that! but never c myself eating a doughnut again haha but you never no! what are you looking to accomplish? this is not the way! I hope this makes some one rethink their actions but I think youl have to realise it yourselves and hopefully it wont be too late. I always used to say like a lot of ppl when I reach this weight and when I can fit in this and doesnt mean shit! its about you! how you feel in your own skin! fucking stop counting calories ditch the focking scales live your life! love your life! and love yourself! bc you deserve happiness and you control your happiness and this is not the way to happiness so pls pls pls pls pls get out before your in too deep!
best of luck to everyone! and especially to my dear blogger friend Flushed who always looked out for my happiness!! IPlease still feel free to email me!

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

eating in moderation!

Its da key I know it is but can I do it!
eek! wel c! well not the best today got up ate 3 mangos and blueberries!
but then I did an intense 30 min circuit - squats/lunges/dumb bells/skipping/step and more!
followed by 25 min of bikram yoga poses in my house and stretching!
den I had my diet pills with one slice of weight watchers toast, some carrots/peppers/onion and garlic with some reduced fat hummous!
was amazing! and Im not all bloated now or anything!
usually I eat too much veg and have to spend the next 2 hrs deflating!
but now Im all good in the hood! gonna study in a bit and this evening embark on a beginnners running programme! :)
woop woop positivity!
gonna make myself be happy!
also Im entitled to the dole so Ill be getting money money money for doing nutin nutin nutin!
also Im not gonna eat fruit in the evening anymore.
fruit in the morning
low cal carbs for lunch
and protein and veg for dinner
herbal tea and water in between

Monday, 12 October 2009


well it is 2.30 am in ireland and I am tres drunk haha! danced alot and seriosuly just kissed a zac efron luk alike! the guy I am in love with thinks Im sound and hot but doesnt want a long distance relationship even tho we do not live that far away! excuses excuses! anyway I am very confused about my body weight. I dont wna weigh myself. fb says I shud be 115 lbs for my height and last time I was weighed I was 111 lbs adn that was before I got the life ruining fucking surgery on my foot! ewww!
anyways I have not been eating any carbs adn have been living on mangos, blueberries then a dinner of butternut squash sum kidney beans and mushrooms :)
Ive been doing pretty well but my mom is keeping a close eye since my uncle made those fucking comments! a
which is idiot in irish haha
anyways I like the way I look right now! yes I feel my thighs are touching a bit but Im doing my walk and my 100 tricep dips and 100 abs and inner thigh exercises a bit of skipping! trying my best to have fun bc I have decided to enjoy my time as much as piossible untill december bc Im gonna just chill the fuck out if possible adn dedicate my time to my pt course and then after xmas maybe go work abroad for a bit and then college in september!!
no tears 2nite despite my vodka intake. def no carbs for the rest of the week :)
the only carbs I did have today tho was 3 rivita crackers which equals 60 calories so not the worst bc thats the equivalant of a piece of fruit and I easily danced that off! x

Saturday, 10 October 2009

vodka tears

ok well last nite my guy didnt show up! bastard! I hate my life so much rite now that he was the only thing I seemed to be looking forward to! and then what happens hes a feckin no show! dam him accepting the invite on facebook! anyways dont no how it happened but last nite I broke down in tears! which I never fockin do form drinking like and told every1 I was suicidal and da only reason I havent killed myself yet is bc I would never do that to my family! omg dramatic much haha!
Then my mom was all like today I got you this type of bread blah blah I want to see you eat 2 slices of that now! and then she wanted me to eat sweet potatos! but I only did one walk today so no carbs allowed!
I i i........
where is my life going! basically thru myself at one mi guy friends and he was so drunk he didnt even notice! I need sex NOW!!!

Thursday, 8 October 2009


omg listen to this! sorry I havent been posting but I have been extremely up and down on da mood front!! Ive been debating wheter or not to keep posting! Its important for me to have somewhere to vent all my life fustrations but I just dont feel like it has been getting me anywhere! Ive started my personal trainer course which is alot of work but I want to take it on and do it properly! like really properly and then maybe after christmas move abroad and work as a pt! and then come back for college in september! woop woop! life plan! which means that I have to just chill the fuck out and have fun untill then! and study for my course of course haha!
Ive been walkaing super loads! doing 100 tricep dips a day! seriously my ass is so tight from all the walking! I also went to badminton! Ive bailed on the yoga! I cant do it anymore! but if I dont like something Im not gonna do it!
anyway I wasnt gonna post at all untill my mom came into me just there and was like Lexy please tell me you had some sort of carb today! I said I did! She said your lying. She said you look awful and gaunt! I dont know if any of you have that show emmerdale but theres a girl on it debbie I tink and shes anorexic in real life. I didnt no this and I dont watch da show but my mom does. I saw her on da show da other day and was like omg wat happened her she used to be pretty! is she playing a homeless person now!? and my mom was like no shes anorexic now! I was like o shit! anyways my mom was like u look like debbie from da show! I was like its bc Ive stopped wearing make up and fake tanning bc I havent been going out that much! she said no stop making stupid excuses. My uncle Lorcan even said it to her and she said she had to make excuses for it and tell him Ive been under alot of stress but I eat normally haha yeh rite! anyway Im very confused! I feel like Ive been getting fatter and fatter! I feel like my thighs and touching eachother all da time! I dont no who to believe! I always feel fat and bloated! I want to get with the boy that I like 2mro nite so bad so I cant be bloated! So Im gonna get up walk in the morning have mangos and blueberries for breakfast and lunch! then dunno what else Im gonna eat but before I go out drinking Im gonna have banana toast and cinamon :) dend drinky drink drink! make my guy love me and get my feckin number for once and for all! xxxx
k I txt my friend and asked her was I sickly thin! I wanted her to say yes! but she said no but I was very thin and definetly should not be trying to get any thinner! so not the answer I wanted! so now I feel like my mom and uncle are just being weird and Im not puttin on weight! altho I would like to get out of this food rut! Where I binge and gorge on ridiculous amounts of fruit instead of eating regular meals and then get bloated form the amount of fruit whereas I might not if I just ate a regular meal you know?

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

any irish?

I need a text irish person to keep me motivated! Im getting fat and lazy! pls help me x

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

wna die!

had a job interview so had to get up a 10 which is early for me! didnt sleep till round 4! was ridick! my morning no2 routine was ruined I tell u. I havent gone to the toilet properly so I will be takin laxatives 2nite bc if I dont go proper I no it will build up in2 an attack! grrr!
didnt eat very well today. 1 slice of toast, 1/2 a banana, cinamon. mangos, celery, vegetables, sum bolgenese light sauce a few kidney beans. h8 mi life. bloating central. suicidal. wna die. tried to go walking it was such a struggle. felt like the longest walk ever ever ever!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009


2 slices of toast, tomato, reduced fata hummous, kidney beans, mushrooms, brocolli, 2 mangos, 1 apple. job interview 2mro frankly couldnt give a flying fuck! 1 walk, no yoga.

Monday, 28 September 2009


UGH MY MIND IS SO FUCKIN ANNOYING! Ive given it wat it wants! I went to yoga! felt starving after ate some fruit, still hungry ate toast, still hungry yoghurt! ugh! shut up!!!
I give up! I want to die


ugh brutal brutal nite last nite! was basically up all nite! must of fell in and out of sleep afterwards but heard my dad getting up for work round 6 then my brother at 7 and then my mom and other brother round 8! was awful! got up was going to have muesili with milk but then I just had a few tablespoons of muesili by itself then had my yoghurt flaxseed and toast banana and cinamon and half a fokin melon! that seems like so much Im ashamed to be typing this! grrr anyway it was all very healthy and with skinny bitch rules! den I walked to tesco got mango and strawberries so had a bowl of that there was lovely! going to yoga at 6.30 so g2 eat my dinner at 4! wat to have....wholgrain rice with kindey beans? or I duno! I cant do this its so hard! every nite wen Im lying there hungry adn tinkin tinkin bout food I say Ill eat healthily and it will be fine but I cant its so hard! I bought laughing cow light cheese spread but I dont no if I can have it! but I could eat that with sum cracker bread and tomato instead of a whole meal yah no?
pls sum1 help me Im goin demented! Im gona go skipping for a few mins and do squats and lunges! get a little circuit going in my gaf!

Sunday, 27 September 2009

day of 3 no2!

haha yes u read correctly!
what the fok! I have gone to the toilet everyday for a week! I awesome haha!
so happy! last nite was fun! we danced alot! alot of calories burned haha! only exercise I did today was a 40 min power walk that included to intervals of running up at least 30 steps! was fun! got up took my diet pills and all ate 3 tablespoons f muesili, my yoghurt, flaxseed. Had my banana toast and cinamon :) then I had my dinner which was butternut squash mushrooms and brocollie. Then I had mango and melon.
gna walk and do yoga 2mro! x
omg ew! its 3.40 am! I cannot sleep! I have been ignoring hunger pains for 2 hrs now and have gotton up and eaten sum sugar snaps and Im havin some hot soya milk! light of course! wtf I better be able to fall asleep now!
ugh I need to start eating properly. Im feeling brutal all da time! its not what I signed up for when I wanted to be this thin! x

Saturday, 26 September 2009

day 6 no 2

man I love typing no2 after all my posts teehee! hell yeh!
ok so Im not entirely impressed with todays start but Ill try stay positive and make things go my way teehee. So I set my alarm for 10 o clock so I could go to yoga at 11! thank god I had a good sleep last nite. anyway woke up and was rli tired but I gt up gt dressed contacts in make up but felt like shit. and was definelty in need of a shit! I knew it wasnt a good idea going to yoga bc I was in pain and dun dun dun felt like shit. and Im trying not to force my body to do things it doesnt want to do. Im trying to listen to it. So I had to bail on yoga :(. I got up and went downstairs and got my banana and toast and cinamon mmmm and peppermint tea and went back up to my bed and watched some kourtney and kloe take miami and 30 mins later shit done and I feel gr8! seriously this is day 6 of this little ritual and it works a charm so I cant be getting up early and rushing off ( yes 10 is early for me right now haha).
so now Im gonna go for a walk with my mom is a bit and possibly go to 4 o clock yoga bc I no Ill prolly miss yoga 2mro! I have gone for 7 days straight.
anyway Im not eating dat ww soup anymore its too hard on my system. Im liking da toast and I mite look into low fat hummous or sumtin.
carbs help me! there not so hard on my system dammit!
I want mango!
still is bed watchin greys anatomy! o the gud life haha!
just read an article in cosmo about uni-rexia! bout ppl turnin ana wen they go to uni! weird eh!
I dont wna put on weight. I want ppl to go omg wen did u get so thin! jesus uv lost loadsa weight! and sum1 whos not my mom!
k went walking with my mom. I didnt feel great tbh! I was struggling and all I could think about was how hungry I was! afterwards we went to lidl where I ran in and had to demolish an apple. When I got home I was going to make butternut squash soup instead I just cooked them and sprinkled them with soya sauce adn ate like chips! dey were amazing! then my mom insisted on a slice of toast! 42 cals ate it dry! now Im off to burn it all off in yoga!!
she is preparing rice for me wen I get back dammit! I will not be eating it! when I come back I will be having a yoghurt and some pineapple and mango and done for the evening!
den partying it up woop woop!
went to yoga! shudnt of gone. 2 much food in my system b4 a class not a good idea at all. anyway! its time to cop the fuck on bc I feel like shit so I got a soya yoghurt and added 3 teaspoons of muesili! I didnt eat any yday so da 3 tablespoons I ate da other nite shud be balanced out by now! Im gonna have some flaxseed now and hopefully Ill no2!
Im not going to yoga 2mro! Im taking a fokin break. I was supposed to listening to my body but Im ignoring it all over again! and being in a 90 min class and wanting to leave b4 it even started was not an enjoyable experience! x

Friday, 25 September 2009

still day 5

k its still day 5. dinner was a joke! I feel like shit I look like shit! my mom said Im just hair and a head on top of a tiny body! I look like a mess. shes askin me do I wna get highlights! anything to make me look less shit right now haha! as good as the yoga is for me I cant tan or wear lotsa make up bc I just sweat it all off so I no Im lookin a mess right now but only for another few weeks till my yoga offer expires and then I cant afford it anymore! then Im gonna join the badminton club tuesdays and thursday and take up a weekly yoga class me thinks! anyway right back to me I look like shit I feel like shit. yes I did a shit. hahaha. but I feel weak and not right tbh!
anyway at dinner my mom was like I wnt to see u eating a carb so I had too. well prepare one anyway. she wanted me to have brown wholegrain rice which is kul with the skinny bitch rules right but its 255 calories a serving! wtf! so em no thank you. so I decided it wouldnt be the worst thing in the world to have a baked potato. didnt eat it! added light bolegnase sauce to my veggie kidney bean stir fry and wrapped the potato in kitchen role and disposed of it later. My mom was like Im really getting worried about u so I had to pretend to eat a carb.
neway Im goin out on the sesh 2mro nite. there are no soya yoghurts left whihc is good bc I was looking for sumtin to eat earlier and considored havin one! so Ill pick up more 2mro after yoga which Im gonna wake up early for bc after 2mro nite I dont think Ill be able to go on sunday!
I dont no where my life is goin xx

day 5....

ok so its day 5! I didnt sleep well again last nite and no no2 as of yet. Im only up like 20 mins tho. I kept feeling so hungry last night so ended up coming downa dn eating 3 tablespoons of muesili! I swear to god I give myself an inch and I have to take a mile dont I! well now Im banned from muesili till monday! thats how dis is gonna have to work teehee. Ive just had the toast banana and cinoman for breakfast adn my yoghurt sans muesili and Im off to burn it all of with 90 mins of yoga! for the rest of the day I will have fruit and veg. 2mro. I did a bit of research and you no those ryvita crackers? well there like 20 cals a slice and Im having two slices of toast dat equal 84 calories so I could actually have 4 ryvita and save four calories eh eh?! so I think I might branch out a bit but wel c. I do like the toast as of now. After yoga Im gonna pick up mango and melon and my mom has made a big pot of ww soup. pray for a no2!
laters xxx
back from yoga. great class. had 2 amazingly perfectly ripe mangos! I think Im shoplifting to much stuff from the same store. Ive been going to the same store for fresh fruit everyday this week and getting loadsa magazines aswell teehee!
still no no2 so Im drinking lots of water!
also Im taking a new supplement. cant think of the name intestine aid or sumtin. anyway day 1 of it today. Ill keep u posted x

Thursday, 24 September 2009

day 4 no2!

omg what a great week Im having haha! slept very badly last night tho! lotsof nitemares so I feel all ibs stomach crampy. Im identifying the patterns by keeping this blog. so lack of sleep! not good for ibs haha! but at least I number 2! woop woop! ditched the cornflakes today! woop I dont need it. Im gonna stcik with the organic muesili and alpro soya yoghurt adn flaxseed.
got nice mangos adn a nectarine for lunch.
went power walk on my own.
my mom wants to go for one aswell but I wna go yoga and dont no bout doing another 2 workouts. she told me shes on my case now about eating and that she wants to see me eat my toast and banana. which I will do before yoga!
having a fight with one ma friends! ughhhhhhh! ppl can fok off and stop stressin me out! its not good for the ibs! I go with da flow now. no pressure!
update later x
toast banana and cinamon, bowl of ww o points soup, 90 min yoga, veg stir fry with baked beans! weight loss tea, green tea diet supplements! x

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

day 3 of no2!

another day another no2 hell yeh frickin yeh! went out last nite and danced da nite away so burned a gud few cals Id say! wasnt a great nite tho! only went bc I got a free ticket to this social and bc I wanted to score a hottie which I didnt and nrly scored this guy I know whos fat but theres just sumtin about him and Im glad nutin hpnd bc it wuda bn so embarressing!
neway wasnt a great nite woke up drank so much water weight loss tea. had my museili handful of cornflakes and alpro soya yoghurt. Then I had a kidney stir fry-so gud! cooked in light soya sauce! anyway Im on the green tea diet supplement at the moment!
going for a walk in a bit which will be 40-45 minutes! gna go get my mangos then and then go to yoga at either 4.30 or 6.30!! Its gonna be hard bc Il have alcohol in da system!
duno if Ill have toast today but dont wna have dat peanut butter again it has to be reduced fat or sugar or salt or sumtin! the holland and barrett one is gross tho! mmm...wat to do!
just another day in da life of da exact same routine haha!
my friends annoyin me today! Im not havin ppl puttin pressure on me! dats all Im saying! fok dem Im doing my own thing!x
power walk and yoga.
no toast!
never gna eat peanut butter again! wtf I tried to buy organic ones! there is no such thing as low fat peanut butter! my mom suggested I try toast with banana and cinamon which I mite try! bc I dnt mind da toast bc its 84 cals for 2 slices! and cinamon speeds up ur matbolism! I 4got to take flaxseed today so took sum there and Im done for the day!
hope all u lovelys are doing well.
my mom said pls have some toast your looking so skeletal!
luv it!
I wna bf!
or a friend with benefits..........sum1 shud be worshipping this body yah no!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009


day 2 with a no2! woop woop! sry but untill u have been extremely constipated u will not understand how amazing it is to go no2 woop woop!
so I got up and had da most relaxing morning! I woke up and set up gossip girl season 3 ep 2 to watch on my lap top! I went downstairs ook my fat metaboliser pill and probiotic pill and had 3 tablespoons of muesili with 1 handful of cornflakes and an alpro soya yoghurt with some flaxseed and a herbel weight loss tea! bliss. then I got up around 1 had half an apple and a power walk with my friend in the park! was lovely! then went to the shops to shoplift my mangos! and there were none of the readily ripe mangos so I just had to buy regular ones which were crap andn so unripe so I just through it out was devastated! Im so set in my ways with my manogs! haha I had a feeling they would be crap so I bought a small honey dew melon which I have just eaten! Im gonna go to yoga at 6.15 or 8 I tink I wna go at 6.15 just worried about parking! but man Im getting addicted to bikram! google it!
I feel like Im getting fatter tho! damn me trying to incorporate carbs healthily into my diet. but the thing is now is the right time to be eating them bc Im doing up to 2 and a half hours of exercise a day and I wont be able to keep this up all the time u no!
hope ur all doing well!
k Im back went to yoga at 6.15 came home at 8 ate 2 sliices of ww bread 84 calories mashed on a tiny banana and had a spread of peanut on each slice! 2mro Im possibly gonna buy reduced fat and sugar peanut butter or maybe try a bit of nutella although I prefer peanut butter! everything in moderation guys! come on if Im working out this much I should be entitled to that! right! plus my mom said to me today I remind her of an anorexic and dat I look gaunt and ill! I told her I feel great which isnt really true but I wanna maintain the weight Im at and hopefully I can by eating a little more normally!
hope I havent digusted any of u!
4got to say after I ate it I did loads of jumpin jacks and lunges and skipping to kick start da metabolism! even though Im just back from a 90 minute yoga class! x

Monday, 21 September 2009

hey hey!

so last nite was up with cramps but today I got up and went no2! yeh! at long fokin last so I feel like a new person! still a bit tired tho from being up all nite but I slept till 11.45! I didnt beat myself up about not getting up and working out right away bc I decided either way I would do a power walk and my 90 minute yoga class!
I got up and decided to have 2 tablespoons of muesili with my alpro soya yoghurt!
I then typed up a college assignent for my brother! It only took me an hour but he gave me 10 euros for it!
I had 2 cups of peruh weight loss tea.
I then had 2 mangos- which I researched last nite! and they have no carbs! woop, no fat and their good for constipation!!!
I then had a bowl of cabbage soup 0 points on ww!
then I went for my power walk with my mom. followed by grocery shopping where we were served by a pretty hot guy! mom asked me did I notice him checkin me out?!? mmm not sure!
anywhoodle on the way home me and my mom snacked on sum sugar snaps!
then I had my kidney bean stir fry! kidneys beans - high fibre! no fat! good for constipation!!
I made extra for my mom and she didnt want it all and asked me if I wanted more but I said NO! even tho I totally did teehee! anyway took my fat metabolism pills and b vitamins and pro biotics. I must say I am missing my alpro soya light milk :(
anyway Im going to yoga at 8.30! I may or may not have another mango or an apple before then!
Im looking into yoga teacher training courses!
how perfect would that be! every yogi is nearly vegan or at least they eat healthily! they dont stress and they get to do yoga retreats!!!

Sunday, 20 September 2009


Im still very confused as to why I want everyday of my feckin life to revolve around working out and eating the exact same foods?! haha I am crazy! me and my friends baked a cake last nite for my brothers 19th! it was so much fun but I wouldnt touch any of it and I just felt like some sort of freak! I was never even a cake person! altho I do like carrot cake or I did anyway! Im not down about why Im thinking like this because the soon is out and bikram yoga is having me in such a good positive mood! Im so glad the classes are on 7 days a week bc I get to go today and its sunday! plus its sunny today so my mom just asked me if I was up for a walk! so for this reason I had 2 table spoons of oats in my yoghurt! I know I know they are carbs but they are organic oats which skinny bitch luvs! and Im about to walk them off anywho! I still feel like my legs are untones and the backs of my arms and Im still doing my tricep dips hopefully it will all come together for me! I tried to get a job yday and what a joke! recession indeed! nowhere would even take my cv haha! o well! my dad said I might be intitled to some money on the dole so Im gonna go check that out 2mro!
anywhoodle Im off to enjoy this beautiful day!
I need a job and a boyfriend soon tho! ever since I can remember Ive always been tryna get the perfect body so when I meet an absolute hotty I can feel confident! yet Ive never had a serious or long term boyfriend and Ive felt like this for years! waste of time perhaps? haha never! Im happy persuing the perfect body altho I would like to be a little less intense about it! I think when or if I get a job it will reduce the amount of hours in the day where working out is possible and my mind wont be so out of control1
epp mom cumin g2g!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

still disgusting

well I still feel absolutly digusting after my carb day! ewww! and its so annoying bc I cant fill up on fruit and veggies anymore bc their too strong and toxic and gassy on my tummy so all I want to eat is cereal and toast! but I will not! today I got up yoghurt banana flaxseed, 1 hr power walk, half a tin of soya beans, fruit box, 140 calorie lunch box -cauliflower and pototo salad I no potatoes yes! as my mom fokin pointed out! r u eating potato! yeh shut up! anyway then 90 mins of bikram yoga! ne one else do dat? and then 2 mangos and herbal tea! mite be going for a walk again but I rli dont feel dat great still! this is the first wkd I havent drank or gone out all summer!!! I no its not summer now but since I have no college or work it still feels that way to me!
Im gna go yoga gain 2mro! I luv it! seriously last time I tried bikram yoga I felt like I was constantly on the verge of dying! now Im dying to go!!!! I used to look at the clock every 10 mins now I look twice thats it! proud of myself!!! woop woop! still feel fat even tho Im not! well my upper body isnt! I was on this website yesterday real model diets or sumtin like that! it was gud! check it out!
o I got apple cider tablets!!

Friday, 18 September 2009

the day after!

well the day after my total agony I feel gud gud! well not brilliant but I said if I woke up at 11 Id get up and go to yoga at 12! which I did! and hopefully sweated away all da disgusting carbs I ate yday! ewww! I feel disgusted at my actions! I will not be eating cereal, digestive biscuits or peanut butter for the fore seeable future!
anyway I did a good bit of walking today too. went into town for my laser eye consoltation after yoga and after walked all across town to go shoplifting teehee! got me new boots, 2 new jeans, 2 new tops, a dress, 2 mascara and then I went to marks and spencers got a mini mango box and fruit box. I had a few kidney beans aswell and a bit of veg! nutin like b4 the thought makes me sick but I had too eat them or else I was worried Id binge on something else!
hopefeully Ill be able to get up for yoga 2mro its at 11! then going to get dressed not eat and hand out cvs! Ive got to make up for yday!

Thursday, 17 September 2009

worst pain ever!

Last nite was possibly one of the worst of mi life! I went to bed at 1 am in agony well not agony but alot of discomfort! I just could not get comfortable in bed at all! I was just lying there waiting for sleep to happen but Ive had attacks before and I knew what was coming! eventually at 5 am I gave into the attack and started screaming crying. I had to wake up my mom and dad! I am so constipated! I had 2 take soposatrys which I despise! despise! seriously Im so uptight that there so painful! I took a bucket load of pills and at 10 o clock this morning I had to wake my little brother up and get him to go to the chemist and get me pain killers and duphalac! ugh stress of mi life! I know its a combination of stress and my diet. Anyway I promised myself last night Id change my diet! When your in so much pain ul promise anything! but I actually want to change my diet up a bit! Right now I dont no how thats gonna happen bc the thought of puttin on weight makes me feel so sick! but not as sick as I did last nite and kinda still feel. I still havent gone to the toilet! so no yoga for me 2nite! Im not happy bout that but Im gna chill today and def try go 2mro! I dont think Im gonna go out 2mro nite so that means Ill be able to go saturday and sunday aswell and my weekend wnt be disrupted by drinking which I cant imagine doing right now!!! thats a first I no!!
anyway no fruit or veg today!!! first in Id say 2 yrs!! no joke! Ive had 2 bowls of cornflakes a bit of meusili flaxseed and a soya yoghurt! all before 6 o clock but in fairness Ive been up since 1 am! anyway Im sticking to skinny bitches rules bc I ate when I was hungry and everything was vegan and organic! no more eating today just herbal tea! no working out! maybe an evening walk! but tbh I dont c that happening! I feel like crap! I promised myself last nite if I felt pain free Id let my body relax! its needs a fokin break! Its my body! why am I doing this to it!?
I think Im gonna stop writing this blog. I dont think its healthy for me but Im not sure yet! I wanna change my diet without putting on weight and I think it might be possible! bc right I eat ricickulous amounts of fruit and veg and that does add up! now I think Im gonna have 3 meals a day with a yoghurt as a snack. stop eating after 7. morning yoghurt and oats, lunch rice/ noodles? dunno about that yet actually. and dinner beans/tofu? Im not sure! Id appreciate advice? Im gonna try to stay vegan but I think my mom will be pushing the quorn products and if I eat them it means I can eat with my family again which means I wont over eat! this gud be gud. I havent been happy and yet Im at my thinnest. It doesnt make sense! x

k Im disgusting! ate too much! Im such a compulsive eater! Im gna try muster the strenght to go to yoga in the morning then its a diet of herbal tea for the rest of the day! I am disgusting! Lets just say carbs wont be eaten for the forseen future! they are too nice and therefore evil!
not going out 2mro nite even if I feel able so hopoefully Il be up for yoga fri sat and sunday! xx

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

random day

so today I tried to change up my diet a bit! got up had my usual yoghurt and flaxseed. then I had half a glass of alpro soya milk. I walked to the shops and back- 30-40 mins and got 4 mangos. had 2 when I came home. Then I had a salad no dressing with 1/4 can of kidney beans. Then I had some dinner I got tofu and had a 1/3 of the pack but then didnt eat any ma veggies. My stomach just doesnt want them anymore. So I had dun dun dun! a bowl of bran flaked with a few oats!!! first proper carb in ages! had another mango b4 yoga. 90 min class back now having herbal tea! I dont no what to do! shud I have one carb a day? and reduce my veg intake!? Im so confused! I dont wna put on weight but man these cramps have got to go!! x

Tuesday, 15 September 2009


why is no one leaving me comments? I need them. Im so sad! I hated myself after yday so I got myself up and about today. Didnt hand out cvs bc I felt too fugly altho I no myself I am looking very thin. I had a yoghurt 3 and a half table spoons of oats flaxseed, 2 mangos, and half a glass of soya milk. My mom is gonna be pushing me to eat more this week I know it but Ill c what I can do. My stomach is majorly messed up right now. Going for a walk now in a bit then got yoga this evening which is 90 mins!!! andn Im still gonna try do my tricep dips everyday as well as my abs and ass but that is a gud bit. excited bout starting 2nite tho! went shoplifting today. got me 2 new skirts a shirt and shorts for yoga, also loads of confetti and stickers for my scrap book and mangos haha! I could do with some comments to keep me motivated. Everyones saying I need to put on some weight right now but I know thats not the truth so I need you reminding me! xx

ok went to yoga and did the walk! I said I wouldnt eat after 8 but u have to eat two hours b4 da yoga class so I ate at 6 and then afterwards was starving so had a bowl of mango and another half a glass of soya milk! man did I feel like demolishing more food but I did not. I am getting very bad cramps and I told my mom I wnt to go back to the specialist but we both know there is no point. I just started crying and she said its bc Im not eating properly. She said its hard for her to watch me with my friends when they stay over and how they eat toasted ham and cheese sandwhiches or frozen pizzas and I always have sumting different or nutin at all!
I just left the room and said I do eat properly haha what a lie. I want help I think this has gone to far now. I think this is as thin as I can get right now even tho I still think my triceps thighs and ass are too big it just seems like my upper body has disappeard! I know now that being thin isnt making me happier or more confident and I know me saying this wont make you guys realise it bc I listened to ppl say that and was like yeh right how can you not be happy when u luk like dat!
I dnt no what to do anyway! I made my mom and I aa kidney bean stir fry! I used to have 1-2 tins a day today I had bout a 1/4 of a tin. I mite get some tofu 2mro or make a chick pea curry! I think I need to vary it up bc my body is feeling like shit! I actually think my stomach is cringing when it spasms at the thought of eating just more veg! I told my mom Id eat some brown rice 2mro! guess itsnot the end of the world when Im working out for over 2 hrs a day now! I loved seeing my ribs in the mirrors today tho! I wish I could maintain this weight and eat just healthily but I know that wont happen bc this proberly isnt a healthy weight.....
I wish it was just like skinny bitch said. be a vegan. eat what you want vegan style ul be thin. its not. anyway Im gonna not be a vegan soon and get back onto a bit of quorn maybe. I dont no. I say this now haha but wel c....
I think more shoplifting 2mro. its da only thing that made my day interesting! I want to get the top to match this mazin skirt I bought 2day! altho of course it was hanging of me! everything has to be safety pinned to me now. haha
I wonder what I weigh....
I nearly told my friend today that I had an eating disorder bc I tink Im willing to acknowledge the fact that I do. I wont eat out. I wont eat anything I dont prepare. I am strictly vegan but wont have netin processed. I use IBS as an excuse not to eat. I work out excessively even tho Im injured. I lie about eating and what I eat. I think about food constantly....what should I do? pls help x

Monday, 14 September 2009

lets catch up?!

ok no wonder Im getting no comments! my posts have been totally brutal lately! and for that I apolagise! basically I thought my life was taking a turn in the right direction by taking on this college course where I get a diploma in sports therapy, massage, strapping and taping. that kind of thing. It was a full time course and private which means it was like 4 adn a half grand. newho I went to the open day the day after I came back form berlin adn was really excited about it. My mom came with me. and it turned out to be just awful. There was barely anybody there and the people who were there were chavvy knackers with their parents desperatly tryna force them to go to college. I was like why did this happen to me. how did I end up being in college with people who are so driven and determined to people been forced into dooing a course they dont give a shit about yah no??! ugh!!! anyway I was lik dont start crying dont start crying. my mom was out in the car and I ust got in adn burst into tears. she was lik o jesus! I was like mom Im so upset I cant let go of my dream. I was meant to be training to be a dancer. I no I need to accept that Im injured and I cant afford to take a year out but I cant accept it. I cant mve on yet Im not ready. Its the first time Ive fully opened up about how I feel. I just cant deal with it. Im crying right now as I post this its ridick. So how do I deal with this. I get thinner. The last few days I have definely reduced my food intake. My stomach is in bits but today I look very thin! :). but a bit sickly upper bodywise. yeh! ha! my mom keeps asking me what Im eating. will I please have one piece of toast blah blah! I did have 3 spoons of porridge oats this morning. Ill only have 2 2mro. anyway me and my friend walked into town and home last night so proberly over an hour and a half of walking and we were going at a major pace. 2day so far Ive had my yoghurt flaxseed and oats. glass of soya light milk. 1 bowl of ww soup and 3 cups f herbal tea. Im going to go shoplifting and job hunting 2mro. Great combo I no ha.Ive been provisionally accepted onto my personal trainer course so its kul I guess. wel c. Ill try be positive. I want Mark dammit! x

k no fruit 2day so far. my stomachs in bits. ma mom asked me y I tink its in bits and she said she wants to see me eat two slices of toast a day! carbs ah! for dinner I could not face more vegetables so I had barely any and a portion of low fat low sugar baked beans. I cant eat just veg anymore it fuckin up my system so bad. in majr pain 2day. eating is so hard. why. I havent left da couch all day. my mom cooked quorn fillets but I couldnt eat one. I actually kinda wanted too but also not bc it has eggs in them and I wna be a vegan even tho I no its not ideal thats why I had da beans instead. Im going for a walk this evening think dats all I can just about manage. I wna eat sumtin with bulk. dont wnt any more veg! altho I am craving mango! mmm....
I think Ill start eating brown rice or sumtin I dunno Im at a loss. me and my friend are starting the bikram yoga 2mro evening so I guess I can eat a bit more. being thin is so hard. maintaining thinness i i i ! x
feel so sick....
ate another yoghurt with oats. soya milk light with low fat low cal hot chocolate. Im cuttin back on vegetables 2mro der makin me so gassy and painful! Im gonna get sum mango and b4 my yoga class Im gna have some tofu or sumtin I duno or I make make a chick pea curry or sumtin!! help me! Im going crazy.went for a wee walk with my mom in agony of course and she told me I lukd like a girl who needs to be told to put weight on!! dat my shoulders are so bony and I luk skeletal! y do I feel so sad if Im thin enough for ppl to say things like that! x

Sunday, 13 September 2009


yoghurt flaxseed, carrot sticks, 3 bowls of ww 0 points soup. 3 mangos. glass of soya milk. very gassy, bit consto

Saturday, 12 September 2009


yoghurt, soya milk, flax seed, salad no dressing, necterine, 4 pieces of pineapple, veggie stir fry.


had to have sum fruit bc was goin out and needed to snack but seriously not that much. I had too mini mangos, salad no dressing, 2 necterines, yoghurt and soya milk. Right now I dont wnt to comment about my life.

Thursday, 10 September 2009


shit happened to day which Ill tell u about later or after my b usy wkd social life. I ate no fruit! that is actually a major achievment for me but Im too down to care. today I had a glass of soya milk a soya yoghurt ww soup and a sald no dressing. stopped eating 8.30.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Im back!

Right Im b ack from my adventures! good and bad! I got with this guy in prague and he kept telling me how skinny I was and that if I turned side ways he wouldnt be able to c me! man he knows how to turn a girl on haha! neway didnt end up sleeping with him bc stayin in a hostel didnt really make dat possible plus Im not gna lie I wasnt drunk enuf! after I was like right Im gna just go out and get it over and done with and what do I get my feckin period! first time in 2 or 3 months! I managed to stick to my fruit and veg diet and went without soya products for a while but got a 4 pack of soya yoghurts and 2 cartons of soya milk while I was there! I also had a handful or so of kidney beans! I cant bliv I managed to eat da way I always do with the exception of sum low cal instant soups! today Im ack absolutly knackered! I wna get some fruit in 2day bc Im planning mainly to stick to veg for the next while or so! so I want some mango and melon! mmm......
I feel fat! Im sure Ive gained even tho we did so much walking and stuff but whatever Il be back on track 2mro! why? bc Im way too tired today and besides its not like Im gna binge today just eat what I would normally and reduce 2mro! no fruit after 6 me tinks! I hate my arms they feel massive! also got my open day for my new college 2mro so g2 luk well cute! haha hotties await! xx
also ma friend had a bit of a breakdwn one nite in prague! she told me she threw up her food and how she always counts calories! I felt so bad! she knows what Im like and she told me we shud g get help 2gether! but Im not willing to get help altho I dnt no what I was yappin on about when I was drunk! she told me that Im really skinny and I just cant see it! I felt bad for her bc I hope I dnt have any influence on it! I wna be sooo skinny for next time I c Mark! I feel like shit right now so hopefully Ill have energy for 2mro!

Monday, 31 August 2009

damn it!

haha wow thought I did so well yday! its 2.35 am here in Ireland and Ive to be ready to go to da airport in like 2 hrs and still cant sleep! seriosuly my mind is so freakin over active its ridiculous! I actually just cannot switch off! plus I cant stop thinking about food! grr! Ive ended up coming down stairs and eatin some melon! I am so annoyed haha! I keep thinking about what eating out in prague and berlin is gonna be like! I obv cant overly binge on fruit adn veg even though Ive majorly cut down on my fruit intake :) like Im sure wer gna have to eat out and shit and its freakin me out and then I keep thinkin about if I start goin out with mark! do I have to explain shit to him or just try hide it! see how carried away my mind gets?
so I think for the holiday Im gna eat really small portions! Im gna try not to ever finish a meal. Im gna order salads and im sure I can get fruit at breakfast and hopefully dey will have deiet 7 up bc that fills me up and is lik 6 calories a bottle!
man I totally hate that I cant sleep! do u think its bc I dont eat properly?Ive bn in bed since 11 o clock like! mmm... I dont no! maybe Ill look it up!
its not bc Im hungry well actually I do feel empty I guess!
o shit I tink my moms up

too busy to eat o yeh!

omg I ave the b usiest day ever today! got up ate bc I woke up starving! oats and yoghurt! some seeds bit of protein! then showerd shaved and tanned. straightened my hair. drank weight loss tea. went shop lifting - bags, bras, socks, b vitamins, multi vitamins, probiotics, tea tree wipes, digestive capsules, mangos, fitness magazine. came home had a bowl of ww soup and a glass of alpro soya light milk. then went to blag my way into getting given 9 trial pairs of contact lenses bc mine didnt arrive and Im going to prague 2mro for 9 days so I wont be on! Got my fotos taken for my driver lisence. now back had da mangos 2 small. now im off for a bazilian! gna walk down and back bout 15 mins there and back.maybe going for a walk this evening but the weather is brutal. mmm what else I get today. o litl trainers for interailing bc I cant wear flip flops or flat sandals with my fecking injury! got some berts bees lip balm 2. u ever try that stuff it mazin!!
right mite update laters xx

ok Im back got a brazilian ouch! well thats the most some ones ever seen me naked! wasnt that bad I guess! ate half a melon. going for a walk with my mom now. Id say the pain and scaryness f the brazilian definetly sped up my metabolism haha! I rock! gna have other half melon and herbal tea when I get back!
I hate eating infront of ppl now so I tink the next 9 days mite be more of a diet haha! kulness :)
mmm neting esle.....
nope :)

Sunday, 30 August 2009

last nite!

so went out last night, kept myself busy all day so wasnt snacking constantly on fruit fruit fruit! I had my usual breakfast and then I had a veggie stir fry and then I went to a jog later so afterwards I got 2 mangos and I ate another yoghurt b4 I went outbc I was so hungry I thought Id get sick if I didnt! I still think I would have less calories then if Id been eating fruit tbh! anyway mark didnt show last nite knew he wouldnt bc he was working till 1.30 am and the gig was over so why would he I suppose! no surprises there eh haha!
right also walked all da way home from town last nite with my friend an hour and a half walk! so didnt feel too bad bout the extra yoghurt! also we wore these new high waisted skirts and she was lik jesus lexy ur waist is tiny I could put one ma hands around it! haha o yeh! I did luk pretty gud yeh! so this morning Ive had my yoghurt protein and toasted oats! 2 tablespoons and a spoon of seeds! gonna pre occupy myself with lots of tasks today! g2 sort ma cv and mi application form for being a personal trainer! then g2 find a pad lock for interailing. get some certificates photo copied....o no my dad just said my moms gone food shopping! I want fruit so bad! no lexy stop!

k my mom back she bought 1 mango and 2 melons! very small melons! gna have a veggie stir fry sn! wer going for a walk then and 2nite Ill have some baby melon!
my shoulder is so sore 2day!
going to the airport on tuesday! Im gna totally go shopping if you know what I mean! Im gna get fake tan, make up, a perfume and jewlerry from accessorize! also 2mro Im gna go get some shades and shoes and maybe a dress! yeh exciting! also mite be getting a brazilian wax? eh eh? xx

Saturday, 29 August 2009


ok so do u no da way I always sjust eat fruit and veg constantly apart from my soya yoghurt with protein! well yesterday I had been out da nite b4 o ps totally got with mark was amazing and he was sober so totally knew what was going on ahaha! neways had an ibs attack was brutal didnt eat too much drank da next day had da usual and my friend called down and I was of course snacking on lots of fruit and den she kept offering me some of these rainbow drop sweets and I was lik no tnx and she was lik u no ders probly more sugar in that apple then in these! and then she told me this story about this girl who went to ww and all she did was jog and wat fruit and she wasnt losing weight and dey said it was bc of the amount of sugar in da fruit!!
so now I hate fruit I dont wnt to eat it! so I decided to add some oats to my morning yoghurt to stop me snacking on fruit! but I had like a tablespoon and it didnt make much of a difference! grrr Im so upset y does fruit have to have sugar! grrr! so my new rule! less fruit obviously! soon I will eat 3 healthy meals a day with no snacking! and I cana only eat 3 types of fruit! to stop me snacking on every type! so melon watermelon and mango are my 3 choices 4 now!

so far no fruit yah!
going for a walk/jog in a bit!
my mom is sick and Im not going shopping so none of my selected fruits will be in da gaf 2day! wikka wikka!
packed for berlin and prague and organising a load of stuff but Ill still try to do my abs and abs! xx

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

picking up the pieces

well Im tryna srt out my life and come to terms with the fact that Im not going back to dance college. A very hard reality! In terms of eating I think this is bad as I was considoring adapting a healthy diet when I was dancing but now I feel that all I have going for me is that people think Im thin. also had a really gud talk with my best friend about eating. When I first met her I was relativevly normal about food but she told me that during the summer b4 we started that she had to train herself to sit down and eat with ppl. We are both fattists and share similiar views on food but shes less strict with her eating. She knows Im weird and respects that which is good.
well anyway today I tried to sort out what to do with the year ahead of me. Im doing my course in personal training and alongside it I wanted to do a course in sports massage but to do that I had to do a course in holistic massage which in total costs liike 4 grand!! but for the same price I can do a full time sports therapy course where I get all these qualifications which are pretty gud on top of my fitness instructor qualification!
  • Diploma in Sports Therapies
  • Certificate in Sports Taping & Strapping
  • ITEC Diploma in Diet and Nutrition
  • ITEC Diploma in Sports Massage
  • ITEC Diploma in Gym Instruction
  • ITEC Diploma in Holistic Massage
So this course is full time for one year 3 days a week and hopefully I will meet some hotties! haha! Plus it will help me get into proper proper college next yr where I can do sports science or nutrition and dietetics! woop I can actually make a living out of being obsessed with diet and exercise!
I wonder what its gonna be like eating with a different group of people!Like before I could always say the well Im a dancer thing! Im gonna miss that status! tear! Anyway the course in right in Dublin city which is kul! can go on dates after haha cinema or shopping or town watever I want!
So I have till Oct 15th b4 it starts and I might be getting laser eye surgery b4 then!
so I dont no what to do with my time b4 then!
Im going to Berlin and Prague nxt tuesday! yah! 9 days of sex is my plan!
Then Ill come back a sexually confident skinny girl!
Going out 2mro night Mark will be there! well hopefully and we better totally score!!
Going out Saturday aswell where he also better be haha!
Dnt no what else to do with my life. As sn as I start college it will be hard to wrk out as much which I am scared about but at the moment I have too much free time and Im too tired to ill it with working out. I think I defo need carbs soon Im practically hungry all the time snack snack snacking on fruit! 2mro Im havin a major veggie stir fry round lunch time b4 heading off to my friends then Ill just snack till I drink!
drank loadsa weight loss tea today

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

fuck my life

today 30 mins body conditioning
50 min walk
1 hour power walk/jog
I had to ring my old ballet teacher and tell her what was happening with me. I told my mom she wanted to talk to me and my mom said is it bc ur so skinny?!
haha I wish no mom its bc Im fuckin crippled and cant go back to dance college and she wants to c if Im ok!
had veggie soup and fruit today plus my ususal cereal.
I am sad.
y do I have to tlk about wats happenin it makes everything harder.
I wanna live in denial.
I wanted to beliv if I could control my weight I could control everything but I cant.
I am weak. I am a failure.
Bc of the recession der was a ting in the newspaper about accpeting late applicants into colleges so I looked up courses but all dat is available is all maths geek courses and crazy random shit!
there is a music course which is good I could get into bc I play da flute but where would my future be going?
I am signing up for a personal training course and Im bout to look up some pilates courses bc it will help my body recover I guess.
where am I going.
I wna be thin.
I wna a bf to worship me.
I wnt life not to revolve around food.
maybe not a great ting my mom is now vegetarian she wanted to cook veggie burgers!
grr I just wnt fruit and veg!
I keep tryna tink wen I re introduce carbs into the diet but screw dat! g2 be hot for interailing!

Monday, 24 August 2009

holiday count down!

Right Im off to Prague and Berlin in 8 days! I dont think Ill get away with eating no carbs on hols so have tried to come to terms with the idea of eating maybe some rice and pasta but I will be majorly reducing my fruit and veg intake so hopefully asll will balance out! I will avoid eating rice and pasta where possible and run to the store and binge on fruit to fill me up! Thank god Im going with other students who are on a budget and I can play da o I cnt afford dat game haha! yes!
last night once again no sleep! Id say 4 un solid hours max! so now Im up so early and what to do with a whole day! plus der is like no fruit or veg in my gaf! so Ive had my usual breakfast and my diet pills! then the plan is to go for a walk/jog in the next hour and another one this evening! also plan on doing a bit of toning but ugh the effort!
I love mangos! totally my favourite fruit right now!
I wanna be thin!
really thin!
I want my thighs not to touch and I want this certain boy to want me!
hopefully hel be out sumtimes this week and I can make him my future bf haha!
anyway writin this blog makes me think my life is so boring and lacking ne direction at all! everyday its a struggle with myself not to eat too much fruit or veg! how sad is dat?! Im very confused! mmm......
had to stop da arm toning exercises aswell bc of my injury so I dont like da feel of dem either!
wait Im meant to be in a fairly gud mood! going out wed thur and sat dis wk woop!
and Im gna go get mango melon and mushrooms from da store!!
lts of weight loss tea too!
k dats it!
mission make Mark my bf! aha
now ders sum life direction ha!

k did da walk jog and loadsa conditioning! still didnt feel like enuf! but 2mro is a week till hols so gna be strict! Im tinkin no eats after 8! Ill do mi best I do lik snacking on fruit!
In orders words shop lifted lots of healthy food earlier. 2 melons, 2 mangos and a box of strawberries! I rock!
Also my mom came back from her trip away! she finished skinny bitch! she totally gets me now! she said she cudnt read da part about animal slaughter but she wnt drink milk anymore! woop! I didnt even force her to read it I just said she should!
its like she was seriously just like lexy! I understant y ur a food freak! yah! den she cut us up a bowl of strawberries! wer so goin walking 2mro and after for a big healthy shop in lidl! yes watermelon!


Sunday, 23 August 2009


apolagies for the downer-ness lately! Im am up and down lik a frickin yoyo! ok so I went out to my friends house on sat! was meant to go out early but left after 6 to avoid eating dinner out there then left b4 6 da next day and made up a complete lie about having dinner with my parents! I brought my yoghurt protein mix for breakfast and just ahd fruit for lunch! made a lovely veggie mix for my dinner! I was meant to be starting a 5 day job 2mro but that is now not happening woop more time for working out and self starvation haha! I am going to berlin and prague in a week on tuesday so starvation central till then especially bc I plan on losing my virginity yah no! about feckin time is right haha! also I dont have a great sex drive from da lack of nutrients! btw guys b vitamins or multi vitamins b4 and after alcohol is so totally mazin! I dont have to dirnk as much vodka to get me drunk now since I stop eating earlier teehee! which means less calories and no bloat! win win! dance college is so not happenin its awful! I need a new direction in my life! I can go to college next yr as a mature student eww! haha but my mom thinks I should do sumtin like nutrition and dietetics since Im so obsessed! This yr I think Im gna take loads of fitness workshops bc Im already a fitness instructor so am considoring doing personal training and working out with sum fatty for money haha! lots of travel and work ahead of me for the next yr to stop me becumin completely depressed! my wlaking/jogging is going very well! Ive started timing my walks and jogging intervals so hopefully Ill start noticing a difference!
love to all!
I cant read ur blogs right now but Ill catch up 2mro!
stay thin but dont let it destroy ur mind!

Friday, 21 August 2009


very tired not sleepin and just figured out y! ur not meant to take those diet pills after 4 and I take dem at like 7 ha! o well my fault again!
today had a pretty gud day my standards I feel like shit but managed to do 2 walks and jogs!
fruit veg yoghurt

Thursday, 20 August 2009


rite the last 2 days were amazin! didnt eat alot or watever! but today I ate alot of soup and nealry 2 melons! I cnt read ur guys blogs right nw bc even tho Im eating my diet and safe foods u guys are doin so well! and its makin me feel like shit. My life is being torn apart! Im so not gna be able to go back to dance college nad that was the only thing I had going for me and that was gna maybe force me to eat sesnibly again which at this point I cant even imagine! I spend the last 2 days with my friend she nos Im a health nut so its kul wen she stays with me bc I just make her a pizza and I eat my own thing but its differnt in her gaf bc her family sit down to eat dinner together and I cant make a seperate meal in her house yah no! Im going to her gaf saturday and sunday! Im tryfna figure out how I can avoid eating dinner both days! when Im with ppl and busy its gud bc I eat feck all but today as soon as she left which was at 5 I ate a massive bowl of 0 points ww soup and den I had lik almost 2 melons! wtf am I like! I hate myself. I did da fotoshoot yday and da pics luk gud! I honestly no myselfl dat I am not fat but I feel dat! I feel my inner thights touching and food in my stomach and it makes me feel sick! I dont look how I feel yah no!! what should I do?! Im only eating fruit and veg and my alpro soya yoghurt and protein mix! yet to the rest of u that seems way too much! Im a failure!
failure at dancing! failure at life! failure at trying to have an eating disorder! idiot for messin up my mind! and idiot for thinking that being thin would make me a better dancer! an idiot for thinkin that if I was think Id be confident and guys would be fallin all over me! I h8 where I have ended up! alone in a room craving fruit and eating it as if its a guilty thing! Im an idiot!
blah blah blah
fat fat fat!
I need to workout!
hate myself

Monday, 17 August 2009

my new diet!

haha basically Im still on weight loss tea pro biotics fat metaboliser pills and flax seed. I dont eat to fill myself up anymore which is defo a plus. I even had a tiny stir fry earlier! drinkin vodka is the best diet ever! it makes me not wna eat da next day and wen Im drinkin I stop eating early so I get drunk faster and feel not bloated and heavy! woop!
on the down side! dance college is not looking great for september! my injuries are still with me! but I have a month to go! Ill do my physio exercises later and also I got a fitness ball today! Im too tired to tone but Ive been on one walk already and my friends callin over for another one now woop! laters xx
wheres my comments I need support! my mom asked me was I anorexic da other day?! I so dont look anorexic! I look at old fotos and feel I look da exact same?! mmm......Anyway Im not anorexic and I told her I knew what I was doing and she just said I hope u do! still no kidney beans woop woop! x
k I must be gettin smaller bc last nite at the party fearghal told me all his friends said I was so skinny and tiny! haha yes! I rule!
also omg so annoyin I was in the kitchen adn I take this protein powder thats 25 grams of pure protein per 28 gram portion so pure soya prtein basically and its low fat low carb specifically for vegans so they get da right amt of protein in their diet and my bro was all like how many carbs are in how much fat is in andn I was like stop I dnt wna no bc its important I take this and if u tell me I mite stop takin it and him and my dad just laughed and kept tryna read it and then they gave out to me for gettin annoyd! eh they were provokin me!!!
also today da usual breakfast baby stir fry soup and weight loss tea! x

Sunday, 16 August 2009


no comments on my last 2 posts! Im quiete devastated if I must say so! haha! how are guys anyways? Right so yesterday was amazing! I got up didnt plan on doing much conditioning but I made a class music mix adn just kept working out! I did loads of high intensity stuff too and was sweating and everything! it was brilliant! Then I went for a walk with my mom and got ready to drive down to my friends house! I went there at like 5 and I was so annoyed bc I tried to eat enough b4 I went there so I wouldnt be hungry! but how wrong I was! I was feckin starvin and had to eat loads of her fruit and I was worried I was gna get way too drunk then but I filled myself up on carrots so was actually fine but I did get major drunk and was major hungover today! Im also so annoyed right! This guy lets call him Frankie ha well neway I want to hook up with him and he brought this random french girl to the party! anywho I really wanna score this other guy Mark way way more but hes never out anymore but he showed up to the party at 2.30! at this stage I was absolutly hammered! and was dancing on a counter! I then jumped off the counter into his arms!? wtf yes dats how drunk I was! then I spent the rest of the night talking to him but I wasnt feelin it! He was being rly nice but he was driving so was completely sober and didnt make a move! so pissed off! y does no1 want me dammit! Before he was always scoring me and I was like Im too good for him but I guess not! ugh boys!
anyway today me my friend got up round 1 and I brought my breakfast mix! she doesnt judge how I eat but I found it really hard being with her this wkd! bc her mom came back and was making a roast dinner and wanted out of there quick! but she was meant to be cumin back to mine but in the end she didnt and I made up a bullshit excuse to get out of there asap b4 dinner! it was so obvious like! her mom was like are u not gna eat anything then and gave me this totally concerned look! fock! newhoodle I came home and ate a nice portion of a veggie stir fry!
and I had my flax seed so toilet central hell yeh!
newho rly didnt like feeling that uncomfortable! usually I have ppl stay at mine and I totallt cater for them while I do my own weird shit but its totally different in other ppls houses!
also we were makin new skirts and the mom tried to make them both the same size and then my friends was way too big for her and she was all like ugh just cz Im not perfect like Lexy!
I was like fock!
and also at the party I was soooo sooo cold and this guy was like its bc ur so skinny! and then other ppl were picking me up and being like jesus u weigh nutin?! I dont get it!
anyway Im out again tonight so gna shower and maybe try do my abs and ass but my physio exercises are more important! major workout planned for 2mro bc got this foto shoot on wednesday! xxx

Friday, 14 August 2009

struggle of a nobody!

Haha do you like my title! isnt is very optimistic?! I decided that would be the title of my autobiography if I ever had one! Today was a good day! yeh! I got up and had a shower washed my hair epilated my legs and tanned! then I went down stairs had my o so delicious cereal dat I live for and some watermelon! then I went on the computor and did my physio exercises for 40 mins and then I decided to do some body consditioning while watchin The sectre life of the american teenager! haha I no chessiest show ever but hey I love dat shit! newho I ended up doing conditioning for over an hour adn then had to totally race to physio! Then this part is pretty embarressing! I was like omg there is somthing wrong with my car! which is just new so my mom went down to the garage rly annoyed and they tld her I had been driving with the hand brake on! fuck! haha omg so embarressing!
anyway then after physio I came back had some mango and then went to my friends and we booked our train tickets from prague to berlin! yah! holiday sex ha! nway then I went for a walk slash mini jog with my mom! then I did my physio exercises and a mini leg conditioning series!
now Im wrapped up in bed very early bc everyone is watchin da golf!
o I had 2 bowls of weight watchers soup it is so amazin! no stir fries for me 2day haha!
neway this guy I no is a fotographer and he wants pics of me and my friend in our ballet gear in a studio so wer doing that on wednesday and I was talking to her and she was like right must get skinny by wednesday so now wer both gonna do a water diet or sumtin! Im thinking I will die so I might just do a soup diet and on wednesday absolutly no fruit bc it will bloat me!
I seriously love that soup!
my mom keeps saying all this shit now like what are you having for dinner?
will u use up this?
remember you used to like subway?
how come you dont eat those yoghurts anymore?
anyway 2mro night Im going to a party! gna get with this boy eoin if hes there! we always huk up wen wer together but hes a bit of a bailer lately so not relying on him like!
fock my mom cumin in here! dats all I gots to say right now anyway!
stay thin u amazing ppl! xx

Thursday, 13 August 2009

i i i!

K so I dont no if Im doing good or bad anymore! Im majorly lacking alot of energy! Im finding it very hard t get back into my conditioning regime since my friend has left! but anyway today I got up and had my delicious breakfast! seriosuly favourite meal of the day! today I had a blueberry soya yoghurt with my seeds and protein! then I didnt eat again for ages! act lie I had some pineapple! then I had like 4 cups of weight less tea!! all the while doing my physio exercises! I then had some major improvent in my foot ss I was way excited about that altogether!!
Then I had some melon and went for a power walk slash jog with my mom! after we went to the shopping centre and we walked around for ages and I was dying! I was sooooo hungry and weak! and she knew it! she said what are u makin for ur dinner! theres mushrooms to use up and blah blah blah! I had to run back and grab a pearb4 I died haha! I got home demolished some weight watchers soup and den was forced into making a stir fry! my mom kept askin did I not use the kidney beans anymore haha!! eep! anyway I made da veggie stir fry and then added some tomato soup it tasted like a curry it was delicious! then had watermelon some soya milk and flaxseed!
Im still on the pro biotics and diet pills!
I wanna be thin!
this guy might I met is a photographer and hes gna take pics of me and my friend in our ballet tutus and these dresses we designed ourselves! so 2mro Im majorly reducing my food intake and hopefully upping my exercise! Ill see what I can do! sat and sunday Ill starve! :) g2g bros here epp gud luck to u all! xx

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

decisions decisions....

So today! I didnt do too badly! got up went for a walk with my mom! I jogged a gud bit and then I decided to walk to my friends house after! that weas another gud bit away adn then she had to drop sumtin off at her friends so we walked even more and then she had been in the house all day so wanted to take a long route back! luv it haha! I did all this on a yoghurt protein and flaxseed. didnt eat again till 5 had a bowl of ww 0 points soup oh yeh then melon kiwi and mango! Im havin a wee bowl of soup while Im typin its just so gud man I cant explain! I figured out that keeping busy makes me not hungry and being with ppl makes me not wnt to eat infront of them! so I just need to do do do and never stop haha! this flaxseed is still working total miracles with the IBS!
my decisions title refers to my life, I have alot of decisions cumin up about college and what not! where is my life going blah blah blah! watever I think Ill save dat discussion for another day ha!
anyway going out saturday night and sunday night so wont be eating alot those days! gna have fruit and soup 2mro and friday! luv it! not even having kidney beans atm cant member the last time I had them! isnt it so weird da way I go from wnting a whole tin to 2 tins one day and now Im like whatever! I am missing my alpro soya light milk tho! tear haha! anyway I stopped doing all my conditioning! and my shoulder and neck feels better for it! gna do lots of walking 2mor and get back on abs and ass!
actually I did a good bit of conditioning on my legs 2day!
hope ur all doing fab! I dont think this sex thing is gona happen I mite ring this guy 2mro! anyway its totally gna happen wen I head to berlin! Im gona turn in2 a total slut! xx

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

hey hey!

Hey guys!
Im back! my friend was over for 4 days! In which I thought I would end up having to eat more but I ate less! I didnt snack n fruit as much so I pretty much had 3 meals a day! breakfast I obv stuck to my totally amazing soya yoghurt and protein and flaxseed mix! mm delicious! den Id have fruit and my veggie stir fry or da weight watchers soup! I didnt get to work out but we were honestly so busy we were on da go 24/7! on saturday we act went for a walk in da park wasnt a total power walk but still then we had my totally amazing party on sat nite! slept for 2 hrs then got up and went to dublin zoo for the day! drove home had some ww soup and then we went out again dat nite! alot of vodka was drank haha act not that much! bc I didnt eat as much got drunk so quick like! den on monday we got up and did major sight seeing so walked all over dublin! last nite we had 2 hours sleep den had to get up and go to the aiport! today I did a power walk with my mom but that was all I could manage I cant describe how tired I am! today I ate my breakfast apple nectorine a melon and a half! and 2 bowls of ww soup! dats not bad for me! I need to work out more! I didnt do my physio and Im so pissed off bc my body is in so much pain now and my physio is gn abe a total dick to me now and be like well its ur fault ur in pain now! ugh h8 him! just realised dnt tink Ive got my period in 2 months now! o well! I decided last nite if I do and fingers crossed I do get to go back to dance college I am full on eating properly! rice potatoes whatever Ill do it! Im luvin feelin thin and empty! I luv ppl tinkin dat Im pretty! I luv even tho Im not where I wna be that if I wear shorts I get stares! being thin is so powerful! omg today my mom told me shes gna be a vegetarian! a pesco vegetarian but still yeh! cept now she wants to research and then shel totally cop how defiecient my diet is haha! o fuck what ave I done to myself! I luvd being round ppl I found I ate less! when Im at home by myself I let the food take over! but when Im busy and totally on the go I dont feel the need for that much food! altho Im absolutly dying after the wkd! my bodys havin a hard time now! Im sorry body! y! Im so worried about college! I cant say this to ne1 else but my head is full of doubts! my body is not able to go back! and not cz of the eating thing bc of my injuries! my foot hasnt made much progress nad it seems like my neck is getting worse and worse each day! y! y! y! I was so happy at the wkd my mind was kept occupied by activities friends and alcohol and now its back to just me my mind and my crazy emotional mood swings!
wat do I achieve if I wake up and eatt 3 low fat meals a day?!
I want to dance! Id be fat if I could! Id do netin!
plus my mom makes comments all da time dat really piss me off! even tho I tink this stuff she says it allowed and infront of me when she nos Im so weight concious! stuff like o god did u see da size of her. and is she da chubby girl. what happened to her she used to have a lovely figure. did so and so lose any of da weight? lik wtf shut up! o well! thin is powerful! pretty ppl get ahead its just da way! Im not fugly but I wna feel it! not fugly pretty I mean haha!
rite gna go to bed so tired u cant even imagine! ps my mom is like u cant survive on just fruit and vegetables! and do u not eat that nemore? have u tried this? will I make u sum this?! grrr
she was meant to be goin away fr 3 days but now shes not! great but Im goin to my friends all day sat and sunday! no eating woop woop! thin flat stomach central! x

Friday, 7 August 2009

no appetite!

mm whats going on! got up went to the toilet again! seriously thats nearly everyday this week and its all thanks to flaxseed!!!!!! yah!!! anyway I feel so much better! did my body conditioning then went for a wlak with my mom! Im about to go for another one with my friend! I ate a bowl of soup and a mango but threw out alot of it bc it was too messy and then had a good bit of melon! I dont even want veg right now! mm but maybe I do! My moms pushing me to use up sum veg so might have a litl veg stir fry after ma walk but dont think I will. think Ill have another bowl of soup and watermelon! my roomate from england is cumin over 2nite so wont be conditioning or working out much for the next 3 days but I will def be eating alot less! woop woop! anywho I added major weights on my legs when doing my conditioning!! I read this article with kate hudsons fitness instructor and it said if u work out with heavier weights u have to do fewer repetitions! also he said when running u shud do 1 min 80% mhr den 1 min 50% mhr and den alternate for 20 mins! I cant do that bc of my injury but still thought Id pass it onto u guys! bc that means more intense but less workout time woop woop!
I bought more alpro soya light milk today I really like it! I cant bliv I haven had kidney beans in 3 or 4 days now! just over them right now tbh! hah brill! xx

2 walks! no more soup!just watermelon which has me majr bloated right now but I no that will totally go away! yeh! Ive done well today gna drink sum alpro soya light with flax seed and then peppermint tea! x

Thursday, 6 August 2009

I wnt a change!

ugh I want a change! I wna be able to do sumtin else with my body other then walk and condition! I hate getting into an exercise rut but I am very limited with what I can do right now with my injuries! mmmm! so what can I do! probly nothing else! I am getting extremely worried about wheter or not I will be able to start back dance college in september! I am doing everything I can! seeing specialist and physio and doing my exercises for at least an hour a day! its a hard life eh?! I had this nightmare last night that the physio was like right I dont no why your not responding to treatment! I want you to right out a list of what you eat everyday! and I was like o fuck! I no what Im doing isnt right and I no I keep planning to reintroduce proper carbs but I seriously cant right now! I feel like my inner thighs keep comiong closer and closer together it freaks me out! plus I keep doing conditioning with baby wights for my arms but I think it could be aggravtaing my shoulder injury but if I stop doing them my arms will get fat! Im in a vicious cycle! but anyway my fav roomate from england is coming over 2mor night and will be here till tuesday morning so Im not gona condition sat sun or mon! so Ill monitor how my shoulder feels those days and see if the problem lies with da weights!
mm what else now?! ahh nothing really my skin is shite! Im gonna drink a shit load of water 2day! Im off to have sum watermelon! xx
ok today yoghurt protein seeds fruit and soup! no kidney beans again yeh!
this flaxseed is my new best friend! I have gone to the toilet everyday since Ive taken it! I only did one walk today but Im gonna body condition now for a litl over an hour!
guys I need major sex advice! pls!!!!!!
I cant blliv Im still a virgin but I am! I wanna just give it up now! after my journey to perfection Im stopping short and letting sum1 have me in my imperfect state! I shaved off everything down there! bc I just think vag j j's luk disgusting! I no this is not on ed tlk! maybe I should join sum sex blogs or sumtin! do u tink I cud just have rly bad sex with sum1 and blame being drunk or chemistry! I dont wnt ne1 noin Im a virgin! hw embarrassin!!!
rite Im gonna go do my conditioning now!
score! haha

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

another day in da life!

Right so yday was gud! but I ate a lot alot alot of fruit! still did my walk and body conditining then 2day I did 2 walks and body conditioning and I ate fruit but I only ate fruit and soup no veg! plus a dirnk of alpro soya light milk with flaxseeds and then an alpro soya yoghurt with protein! and then no kidney beans woop woop! I am amazing haha! plus I passed my driving test today! yah! omg text dat guy he didnt txt back dick think I already said that but whatever! omg I wanna be so thin for saturday night! must be tiny tiny!
sorry my blogs are so boring lately bc Im doing nutin differently at all at all! g2g moms here! eep x

Monday, 3 August 2009

Man dat soup is good!

haha that butternut squash soup is amazing! I luvs it! my moms making more 2mro! plus I got this linwoods flaxseeds and Im adding a spoon to my yoghurt and protein which is actually my favourite meal of the day even though Im eating the peach flavours at the moment which arent that nice! And da flaxseed is making me go to the toilet I luvs it! haha!
anyway bc it was a bank holiday 2day der were no fresh fruit in stores but thank god we had a melon and apples in the house so I ate them! I went for a brilliant walk in the sun! I only did one jogging interval 2day bc it was so hot! den I walked up to my friends house and we walked up to my others friends house and then after I walked the long way home! Im sorry guys but I just cant get up the courage to go to that bikram yoga class on my own! its too hard! plus I said if I started Id eat slid carbs again but I could not do that either! I did an hour and 20 mins of body conditioning woop woop! think my ass is toning up now! Ive added ankle weights so its more strenuous like! mm what else! omg so annyed I text the hottie today saying hey how was your wkd?! and nothing hello!? he rang me and told me to txt him! ugh boys boys boys! hes defo a potential sex buddy bc he has no link or connection to my life at all haha! so he better text back! grrrr. I h8 all this txtin shite. anyhoodle. 2mro my friend and I mite be going swimming! oh dear jesus! a swimsuit! ahhhhhhhh!!! gud thing every1 but me thinks Im skinny! but no they will see what Im really like from the waist down haha! o fuck! I have physio 2mro too and my last pretest b4 my driving test! eek! fuck! haha!
mmm what else oh yeh last nite I told my mom about my friend being anorexic bc she asked how they all were and I wasnt gna say netin but shes gna see ehr at my party on sat so I decided too and then I just burst into tears. and my mom was like whats wrong r u anorexic!?? wtf! I am so not thin enuf to classify as sum1 with an ed! and I said no I just got such a fright wen I saw her bc I rly did I cant even describe and she said well now u no what its like to get a fright and then she asked me to eat sum bran flakes which I didnt! I was gna eat sum oats but I just cudnt oh god! I was gna re read skinny bitch but my moms reading it now! hopefully shel begin to understand my ways sum more then. well thats all stay thin but happy and healthy haha if only that was possible?! x

Sunday, 2 August 2009


Right heres da deal. I had a very gud wkd! haha I went out to a gaf prty on friday and out out on saturday so I didnt eat very much those days. I had da usual fruit yoghurt and kidney bean salad. Im back down to half a tin of kidney beans again which is good bc the yoghurt is the same amount of calories as the other half so it balances out. My friend and I are pretty broke so we decided to bring our trainers and walk home from da gaf party! It was a 50 min walk at 5 o clock in da morning! haha! but anyway something awful happened at the party! I hadnt seen these girls in ages we used to be in ballet together before I moved away for dance college. One of my friends I used to always be so jealous of her. Perfect little ballet body! I used to luk at her in envy! She looked so delicate and it added such grace to her dancing! Everything she did was just like wow! She used to say she was just naturally like that and that she really loved chocolate and all dat jazz and of course I believed her and told her all about how I wasnt thin enough yaddy yaddy yaddy! anyway I walked into the party and say Ashley sitting on a bean bag drinking a herbal tea skeletal! I got such a fright! I think she could c it in my face! I wanted to cry! she was so little. I wanted to shake her and say dont do this pls dont do this. I felt like she could drop dead at any stage! We sat down and talked and I said I didnt wna tlk about my yr bc its been ne of the hardest of my life and that I didnt wna make up shit and pretend it was all dandy like! so she told me that her yr was really hard to and she got sick and cudnt go to college. and she cant go until she puts on weight. I was glad she was open about it and I was drunk so I was just like I no its hard but just do it! I no its way easier said then done bc u say it but then as soon as da weight goes on its such a shock! put we talked abut how messed u p food can make ur mind! and if it wasnt a party we could of tlked about it all night! Then my friend Stacey and I who have become great friends. wer da ones that walked home haha she became a vegetarian after visiting me for a wkd! and her family hate me for it but omg! She told me all bout how shes become obsessed with counting calories! I didnt tell her how messed up I am but she nos some of it! and I think she nos. I think shes thinner than me like but shes always like ur clothes wont fit me their too small but I dont c it! it really scared me bc I think my perception of my body is totally messed up now! My other friend who I went out with last night was like wow lexy u luk mazing in ur dress u are so thin! I dnt c it or feel it but wen I do luk at pics Im like wow are my legs rly like that and stuff! and yday I did a massive toilet trip if u get me! I felt amazing totally amazing! then I pushed it and decided Id have a laxee tea aswell but it made me bloat like crazy! I cried and went to show my mom bc I wanted her to c wat Im tlkin bout wen I say Im bloated nadn of course she was like I dont c anything! if u think u luk bloated u have messed up body image blah blah blah! anyway today of course I wasnt going out so I ate too much fruit just there! but I stopped eating at 8.15 which is good for me! Im gna get it to 8 2mro bc Im having a massive party nxt wkd and I wna luk skeletal! anyway right my moms friend and daughter went on a detox for 5 days and they made this o points weight watchers soup! it is amazing! its da first time Ive tried sumtin different in ages!!!!!!!! it was butternut squash and pumpkin with curry powder! u no kick start da metabolism! I tink Im gna try mix up my diet a bit and add different spices keep da body having different food so my digestion doesnt get sluggish! I also walked home fromo my friends house da next day after the gaf party another 50 mins Id say andn did well over an hour of body conditioning and been doing walks and conditioning religiously every day since. Im contemplating starting yoga 2mr but I rly dont wna go alone yah no! but I wna do it! screw it Ill go haha! I have my driving test on wednesday and a pre test and physio on tuesday but Ill c wat I can do! thin thin thin! for my party for interailing! omg I did say if I do yoga Id eat carbs! so Ill eaither ave brown rice with veg at lunch or sum oats with my yoghurt! mmm g2 love those alpro soya yoghurts! cant bliv I used to eat da muller lights now! even tho they were amazing! I think the injury is healing well just need my neck and shoulder to be sorted and then I can go back to dance college at the end of september! I really hope I can go back bc without dancing I will just be a girl who will end up with ed! bc Il have nutin else to focus on yah no?!!! wow this is turning into a massive post! right so plan for 2mro! walk! possibly yoga! mmm wel c! Im doing so many inner thigh exercises and arms exercises and I can feel them working! damn wna hot body! also think Ive found a sex buddy! Im meeting up with this guy Lucas during the week! I met him at a club b4 we didnt even kiss. Hes from prague and has a deadly accent and lux hot! mmm so wel c! he said do u wna go for coffee?! coffee eh no! vodka yes please haha so wel c!
anywho dats da scandal! Ill keep u updated bout my friend ashley bc I must talk to her! its gud to be able to tlk I think! she wont judge me! I think the focus should be on being healthy tho!
Im reading loads of womans fitness mags I prefer to focus on them then celebrity magazine right now! xx
if anyone wants me to post the recipe for the soup let me no! o points eh eh?! x

Friday, 31 July 2009

yo yo

doing better today! conditioned gettin ready to go for a walk now. dont feel great about how Im looking but Im getting on with it! 2mro is the start of a new month! no eating after 8 o clock! going interailing now! booked it randomly after my breakdown! Im going for 9 days and do u no wat was hlding me back?! thinking about havingn to eat ut with ppl?! how ridiculous is that! anyway Im going now for 9 days on the 1st of september! Im hopefully gonna start 30 days of bikram yoga on monday! gna reintroduce carbs there! brown rice me think. Today I had melon and watermelon. yoghurt seeds and nuts. kidney bean salad. Im gna have sum more watermelon before 8 o clock and then Im finished for the night adn going out! woop woop!
also going out 2mro night! so wont be eating much 2mro either yeh!
I can do this!
k getting ready to walk xx

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Im back!

oh god Im back!
ok da trip was brutal the weather was awful so there was no big long moutain walks! I did a gud bit of conditoning but there was no privacy and my mom was keeping a close eye on me! also we had to eat 2gther which made it worse cz at home I just do my own thing like. so we got veggie stir fries which was fine but Im so over them and Im very upset to discover that I have been eating kidney beans with hidden salt! anyway I havent had kidney beans in 3 days I think. I have been having da soya yoghurts but with no added protein or seeds. anyway I need to cop on and start getting carbs back into the diet. To make things worse my mom and I watched this programme about this place in ireland where ppl go for eds alcoholism and drug abuse and this girl had ed and she feckin died 5 weeks after she left. she was so messed up and had no life or desire to live. obviously I dont wnt to end up like that! I just wna luk hot end of! and Im gonna ave fun partying and getting with guys and feeling confident! Im not gna become a recleuese like! anyway my mom said she wasnt driving me home untill I ate carbs so she bought bran flakes! hello da brand she bought was full of salt and then I was like did u get soya milk bc I new she didnt and she flipped! didnt eat them anyway haha anyway wer home now! tnx to flushed comment I am gna eat sum oats bc I actually do luv them! and brown rice which I read is really gud for ur digestion and ibs! also lots of peppermint and fennel!
my mom is going away today for 2 days so gna detox fruit yoghurt nuts and seeds. the only fruit Im eating is melon and watermelon for the next 2 days! Im having a massive party next wkd and I need to luk super hot! last yr at my summer party I was so constipated I luked pregnant but my dress covered it well and I managed to get with the hottest guy ever! haha!
Im still tryna huk up with this guy james but hes so unreliable and never feckin out when I am!
neway I have physio now! Ive done an hour of body conditioning duno if Im gna walk today! I have a busy day but I will try do my best I promise! I have alot of party preparations ahead but Ill doo what I can I promise!
gna catch up on ur posts laters x
update just went to the toilet!
Il post the whole ting I read about digestion and foods dat aid it! is neone else getting majorly bunged up dieting or is it just me? x

back again
y the fuck do my moods fluctuate so much! Ive been crying non stop for 2 hrs now. great. the only way I dont cry is by acting like a complete bitch that doesnt open her mouth and just gives ppl lux saying dnt tlk to me!
y do I feel like this
neway I discovered we were actually buying the kidney beans in water so I had half a tin with salad. Im not mad bc I need the protein and I wont eat as much watermelon as I planned now.
da physio cracjed ny neck and spine. it hurt not majorly but I hhate cracking bones and it just freaked me out and I didnt no it was cumin and now Im just all upset. plus the physio said he didnt bliv I was doing my best with my exercises! hello Im dedicating my life to getting fixed here. he said he tinks my life is easy bc u c I got this t-shirt that says survival of the fittest and he said u just smile and get everything handed to u on a plate! ok Im not gna lie compared to orthers I do have a failry easy life. my parents are supportive. I drive a car I didnt have to pay anything towards and if I want sumtinIll get it! I no that sounds spoilt but all Ive asked for ever is my dance lessons and dance gear. I dont want anything else. Ive only started having a social lilfe since my injury. and my life is not easy. I have sum sort of disordered eating. I am uncomfortable with my body 24/7. Im a virgin. I have 2 very painful injuries that have ruined my first yr of dance college. and I am doubting wheter or not Im strong enough to puruse this career. plus I have no direction in my life right now. I am depressed. I wanna die. I wanna go asleep and wake up and everyhitng to be ok again bc I cant deal with this anymore!

Monday, 27 July 2009

another day!

right so last night when Ii went to bed my mom was like goodnite lexy but I really wna see u eat properly 2mro! Fuck!!!!!!!! so we try and go for a walk everyday right and I got up and while she drove my brother to work I did an hour of body conditioning! anyway I hadnt eaten yet and she back and said wer not going for a wlak till u eat a proepr breakfast! but we dont have an alpro soya yoghurts or soya light milk or nothing I can thorw together to actually look like a breakfast so then I said I dont wna eat anything heavey b4 the walk so I had a lovely bowl of watermelon! how did I ever live without that fruit haha! anyway then it started raining so we havent gone walking yet! eek! and then she was like now u have time to eat something proper! shes pushing the ryvitas and weight watchers brown bread! I wanna be healthy right like thats why I now eat alpro soya yoghurts rather than muller lights bc their have flavourings and stuff in it even tho their less calories! but weight watchers bread is like really low calorie Id rather eat that then bread but Ims ure theres bad stuff in it. mmm what to do!
plus my mom and I are going away for 2 days with my brother and Im gonna hvae to eat carbs! grrr! The last time I ate one was like 2 weeks ago I had half a potato. also btw I no carbs are in fruit and stuff but I mean like bread potatoes and pasta like.
does anyone noo a good carb I cud eat to please my mom that wont detroy me. In health and fitness they saw bran is a really gud one so Im thinking I should have a bowl in the morning! I also read that! dun dun dun! reducing your cabr intake leads to constipation! hello! is this why Im always so constipated! anyway went to the toilet there this morning wow it was amaizng!
eek think wer going for our walk now in a sec!
also started re reading skinny bitch! man that book is so intense! I felt like I was getting a major lecture so stopped haha! they eat carbs and stuff just healthy ones like wholegrain rice and bread! I need to get carbs safely back into my diet but fear a massive wweight gain! Im gonna write to health and fitness and healthy and womans fitness and ask them to help me!
I also tried to take pics of my body for u guys! I was happy withh my stomach but not my inner thighs or triceps! so Im not ready yet Im sorry!
ok went walking there! had some melon now Im sorted woop didnt have to eat anything yet! cept my lovely fruit! no yoghurts in the gaf but I think wer going to do a shop in sainsburies wen we get to da apartment wer stayin at!
I told my mom I was gonna make a really healthy meal for us tomorrow which she is of course up for bc of her health kick! all I make is veggie stir fries and kidney bean salads! so I have to make something different! I said sweet potato and courgettes with stuffed peppers! altho screw da sweet potatoes dats so a carb haha!
neway Ill find a way to get my way teehee!
mite be eating bran flakes and alpro soya light milk starting 2mro xx
o ps mitnt have internet connection for the next 2 days! xx